Broken Trust
by thedarkpassenger85
Summary: After Maura proposes to her again, Jane takes her to the bedroom to seal their reconciliation and new engagement with the love making session of their lives!EPILOGUE IS UP!THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT!
1. Broken Promises

**Chapter one :**

**Broken promise :**

That morning Dr Maura Isles woke up in her suite at the Plaza in New-York still wearing the expensive Gucci dress she had wore the previous . Sitting up in bed looking at her left hand she immediately saw the gorgeous engagement ring Jane had gotten a few months back. Trying to open her eyes, feeling her head pounding she was trying to remember last night's events. She remembered checking in the previous morning for the annual Medical Examiner convention. She also remembered arguing with Jane just before leaving Boston. Jane had accused her of only going to New-York to meet an old flame she had hooked up with in medical school who was supposed to speak during the convention.

Trying to get out of bed, unable to stand on her felt Maura suddenly started to have flashbacks of last night's events . She could clearly see herself having dinner with her friend, Dr Hayes and then him escorting her back to her room and kissing her in front of the door of her suite but what she remembered most clearly was that she didn't even try to deny him that kiss.

"Oh my God what have I done?" Maura said to herself rubbing her mouth trying to get rid of the taste of that man on her lips.

Looking down Maura noticed she was still wearing her clothes meaning that obviously nothing had happened other than that kiss. After taking a 15 minutes cold shower Maura ordered breakfast including some black coffee, with no sugar. Sitting on the velvet chair in the middle of her suite her legs lifted up against her chest, her coffee in her hand Maura was trying to make sense of what had happened. As the effect of the alcohol was fading away Maura's memories of last night's event became clearer. She remembered spending the day being mad at Jane for not trusting her and accepting Dr Hayes' dinner invitation just to spite her. She remembered spending the entire dinner talking about Jane, about how hurt she was she didn't trust her even now that they were engaged.

After several years of being friends and after a year of dating Jane had finally decided to pop the question after cooking Maura's meal and making love to her for two straight hours as they were laying in bed naked, she finally asked her to marry her. Looking down at her beautiful ring Maura remembered crying more than she ever did when Jane popped the question and being overwhelmed by a feeling of accomplishment and pride. After years of waiting for Jane to finally admit her feeling and taking their time to determine what they wanted and how they wanted things to work Maura had finally what she always dreamed about : a ring on her finger, symbol of their unconditional love and trust.

At least that was in theory because Jane obviously didn't trust her to meet an old friend. Maura and Jane had been best friends for years before they started dating so obviously Maura had no secrets for her and she used to tell her everything about her dating life hoping that it would awake her jealousy and feeling of ownership over her and make her realize that she couldn't fight her feeling anymore . The only problem with Maura's honesty was that Jane sometimes perceived her as very promiscuous and even if she trusted her she was sometimes afraid of not being enough which lead her to be insecure and jealous beyond reason.

After arguing with her, tired of reaffirming her love and loyalty Maura had finally left for New-York unwilling to go through this again.

Sitting in that chair reliving last night events over and over in her head Maura started to ask herself if Jane wasn't right after all. She had allowed that man to kiss her and even if she strongly turned him down when he tried to get into her room she found herself tempted for one second to let him in.

Feelings the tears streaming down herself Maura was trying to understand why she even let that man kiss and why she had found herself tempted to take things further. The fact that Jane had seriously pissed her off crossing a line with her insecurities wasn't a good justification to explain her behavior.

Thinking about it Maura had everything she had always dreamed about. After years of secretly being in love with Jane she was finally going to marry her and start a family with her, so why would she compromise that?

Torturing herself over this Maura knew it wasn't about sex because Jane was satisfying her in more ways than any men ever did before, so she obviously didn't miss men, sexually or even emotionally.

A few hours later Maura decided to shorten her trip and fly back to Boston. Driving towards their house Maura was trying to find the most appropriate way to tell Jane about what happened. She knew that she couldn't lie to her and that lying would probably destroy their relationship anyway.

Taking a deep breath as she stepped into the house Maura was anxious to talk to Jane and was hoping to have a few more hours before confronting her.

"Maura, you're home already?" Jane said as Maura stepped into the living room her suitcase in her hand.

"Yes, this convention is always so boring so I decided to fly back early, but what are you doing here in the middle of the day?I didn't see your car?" Trying not to panic as she saw Jane walking towards her Maura felt so overwhelmed and incapable of holding it inside nay longer.

"I had a bit of an accident at work so it's at the garage, Frost drove me home." Jane explained stumbling towards her.

"Oh God you're stumbling are you alright?"

"Yes, how about you, still mad at me?"

"Of course not, I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have left before settling this once and for all. I love you." Maura said resting her head on Jane's chest her arms strong wrapped around her.

"Oh sweetheart don't be sad, you didn't do anything wrong, you were right to walk away, when I'm like this there is no way to talk some sense into me. You did the right thing."

"No I didn't Jane, oh I'm so sorry…I don't know why I did it, please forgive me." Maura begged bursting into tears.

"What are you talking about?"Jane frowned her hand on Maura's cheek trying to make her look up at her.

"I…something happened with Dr Hayes. I'm so sorry I don't why I did it, you have to believe me."Her hand on Jane chest crying looking at her with the most excruciating pain in her eyes Maura immediately saw the horror in her girlfriend's eyes.

"You slept with him?" Jane asked pushing Maura away, horror and disgust in her eyes.

"No. We had dinner last night and he escorted me to my room and he tried to kiss me…"Maura explained trying to reach out to Jane.

"And you let him?"

"I did yes, but I turned him down when he tried to get into my room. I promise nothing else happened, you have to believe me." Maura professed looking at her desperately trying to show her how sincere she was.

"Where you tempted to let him in?" Feeling her face turning red and the blood racing in her veins Jane had to fight hard not to just storm out their house.

"For a split second, but I didn't, you're the only one I want to be with, you know that right?"Reaching out to Jane once again, desperate to establish physical contact Maura, for the first time in her life started to regret not being able to lie.

"No I don't, not anymore, get your hands off me." Jane said pushing Maura away. Turning her back on Maura Jane closed her eyes, trying to keep herself from exploding both physically and vocally at her fiance but all she could think about was her future was kissing him and considering sleeping with that jerk. She felt betrayed more than ever felt before and ever thought she would especially by Maura.

"Can we please talk about this?"

"What is there to say Maura?You betrayed me, you betrayed my trust. God I can't even look at you right now." Walking towards the door Jane was determined to end things right here right now without looking back.

"Don't walk away for me!" Maura shouted desperately trying to keep Jane from leaving.

"Why?You did!You went to New-York and did exactly what I was scared you would do. I can' t believe you had the nerve to be mad at me for not trusting you!"

"How many time do I have to apologize?I made a mistake let me fix it."

"I'm the one who made a mistake when I asked you to marry me. We're done."Pulling her engagement off throwing it on the coffee table Jane walked towards the door and left leaving Maura standing in the middle of their living room.

Standing there Maura found herself unable to move, to follow Jane and beg her to forgive her. Looking down at the ring she had gotten Jane Maura suddenly bursted into tears and violently fell on the floor. A few days ago she had everything she had ever dreamed about and she now she had nothing. She had hurt the one person on her who loved and supported her unconditionally and who she knew could forgive her almost anything. Maura and Jane argued a lot, it was part of their dynamic, they argued about work, about their families, about Maura's spending habits or hobbies but they always made out. Jane was very impulsive and never hesitated to storm out off a room after an argument, mostly to avoid further anger to come out but she always came back. No matter how hard they argued how mad she was with Maura, Jane always came back acknowledging and apologizing when she was wrong and allowing Maura to do the same when she was right. This time it was different though, Maura had betrayed her. Not only she had kissed another man but she had also been tempted to sleep with him and she knew that was the kind of thing Jane would never forgive. She could forgive a lot of thing, God she had forgiven her for flirting with Tommy and for not telling him that the FBI was about to arresting him but this was different. By cheating on Jane Maura had broken Jane's heart and she didn't know if she would ever be able to to fix it, to fix them. Yes over the past years Maura and Jane had went through a lot but the thing they could always count on and who always saved them was the trust and unconditional loyalty they had for each other : it had saved them when Ian showed up or when Tommy had made a move on Maura and she had to make a choice, or when other men or criminals tried to break them up. Unfortunately for the first time since they met Maura felt they had lost the two things that always kept them together and didn't how to get them back or if it was even possible and it scared her to death.

**So guys, I have had this story in mind for months but had other stories to take care off. At first I wanted Jane to cheat on Maura or almost cheat but I figured she's always the one screwing up so for a change Maura could screw up.**  
><strong>Infidelity is a subject I never wrote about so I'm sure you won't be bored by this story, lots of anger and resentment coming! <strong>

**So guys do not worry i will try to get organizd better and not neglect my other stories, I promise I can do the 3 of them at the same time!Thanks for the loyalty. **

**As always this is a new story so it's up to you to decide if I should continue or now!**


	2. Why

**Chapter 2 :**

**Why?**

After slamming the door behind her it took only ten seconds to Jane to realize that she didn't have a car, so she walked, walked trying to make sense of what Maura had done to her. After two hours of wandering in the streets of Boston Jane decided to check herself into a hotel, knowing that going to her mother would imply answering her questions. So that night Jane laid in bed looking at the ceilling torturing herself trying to understand why Maura had cheated on her. She obviously knew that Maura didn't love that guy, so was it about sex?Wasn't she satisfy with her?Was she missing men?All those questions were hammering Jane's brain and after obsessing over it for hours she didn't manage to find an answer and just spent the rest of her night staring at the ceiling reliving the past few years in her head trying to find when and how things went wrong to push Maura to cheat on her, she couldn't believe that her wonderful fiancee who was the most honest person she knew could cheat on her like that, without any reason.

On the other side of town Maura was lying on the couch asking herself the same questions and was also unable to find a proper answer. Thinking about it she was truly and deeply in love with Jane and felt fulfilled both emotionally and sexually. Trying to understand the reasons that pushed her to kiss that man and to be tempted to invite him in her room Maura couldn't find anything. All she could conclude to was that she was just a bad person who didn't deserve to be engaged to someone like Jane who never ever looked at someone else ever since they started dating. That was actually the big difference between the two women : before they started dating Jane didn't really date, almost refusing to engage in any physical or sexual relationship, Maura on the other hand had many male partners and was always eager to tell Jane about her sexual encounters. Thinking about it Maura understood perfectly that Jane didn't trust her and saw her as someone frisky, promiscuous who would never be satisfied with only one person in her bed. The truth was that Maura still enjoyed looking at men, making comments on their physical appearances but from the minute Jane kissed her she has never been tempted to cheat on her, not even once. Unable to understand her behavior, Maura cried herself to sleep with the ring she had given Jane in her hand.

The next morning Jane reluctantly took a cab back home hoping that Maura would be at work or someone else and that she wouldn't have to face her. After a sleepless night the last thing she wanted was to have to face her, knowing that the only she had to give her was resentment and hate.

Quietly opening the door Jane immediately saw Maura sleeping on the couch. Slowly closing the door, walking the bedroom on her tip toes Jane was hoping to pack her things and leave without waking Maura up.

"Jane!" Maura said brutally awoken by the cracks caused by Jane's steps on the wooden floor.

"Shit!" Stopping at the sound on Maura's voice Jane didn't know what to say or do, she wasn't ready to Maura, not now and knew that if she was forced to she would probably just lash out on her.

"You're home." Having Jane standing in front of her Maura was relieved after spending the entire night worrying, hoping that Jane hadn't done something stupid like drinking and getting herself hurt.

"I'm at your house, this isn't my home anymore."Jane replied still turning her back on Maura.

Watching Jane walking towards their bedroom Maura had a feeling that Jane wasn't here to try to sort things out but that she was here to pack her things and leave.

Maura knew Jane well enough to know that pushing her when she was hurt was the stupidest thing to do, that giving her some space and time to think and cool down was always the best attitude. This time it was different though, even if Maura knew it was probably better to let Jane go , she just couldn't just allow her to leave without at least trying apologize. So Maura followed Jane in their bedroom and found her packing things into a large suitcase they had bought for their last vacations.

"Are you staying with your mother at your old appartement?"Standing in the door way a few feet behind her Maura couldn't step into their bedroom knowing that she wouldn't resist crawling at Jane's feet and beg for forgiveness if she came any closer.

"No, I don't want to have to answer her questions. I checked into a hotel last night and I'm gonna stay there until I figure things out." Grabbing her clothes from her drawers pushing them into the suitcase without folding them Jane was still unable to look at Maura knowing that if she looked at her she would be able to keep from picturing her kissing that guy.

"You don't have to leave. I mean, I'm the one who hurt you, you shouldn't have to leave." Closing her eyes, clenching her jaws trying to hold her tears Maura was expecting Jane to storm out of the room any second now.

"This is your house not mine. "Jane said closing the suitcase looking around to see if she had forgotten anything.

"I'm so sorry Jane. I know you're not ready to face me right now, but I know that you're going to need me to explain myself soon and I will be there waiting."Maura sighed as she turned around walking towards the bathroom unwilling to watch Jane slam that door behind her a second time.

Locking herself in her bathroom immediately falling on the floor Maura couldn't hold her tears anymore. She knew that in a few seconds Jane would be out of their house and didn't know if she would ever come back. Sitting against the bathtub hearing Jane slammed the door behind her Maura was trying to convince herself that she had made the right decision by letting Jane go and by not confronting her. She knew Jane enough to know that crawling at her feet crying, telling her she loved her and begging her to give her another chance would only provoke her anger. Now all Maura could do was hoping that Jane would eventually come back to confront her, to ask her why. Unfortunately right now what Jane needed was to be alone to think and Maura knew that once she felt ready it would be painful, that she would probably unleash her resentment on her and she needed to prepare herself for that. She knew that Jane was a passionate woman who hated as passionately as she loved and knew that a confrontation would be painful, but she had no choice, she had to accept what ever Jane would feel the need to do or say if she wanted to fix things between them.

For the next few days life went on, Jane went back to work knowing that Maura wouldn't be here which make her feel slightly relieved. Right after getting engaged they both decided that Maura should be assigne to another team knowing that defense attorney could try to argue that Maura's supposed neutral and purely scientific judgement might be clouded or influenced by her relationship with Jane. So for the next few days Jane and Maura went to work trying to hide how hurt her they were to their friends and colleagues, which considering all of them were Detective was harder than they had wished.

On the 7th night Jane decided to drove to Maura's house to confront her. After spending the past 7 nights awake trying to find what she had done wrong to push Maura to cheat on her she realized that she had done nothing wrong, that the responsibility of what had happened was on Maura not her.

Nervously biting her lips waiting for Maura to open the door Jane's heart was racing, being away and by herself didn't help her to calm down and forgive Maura, it had made her almost enraged and right now she needed to express that anger.

"Jane." Maura sighed as she opened the door.

"I want to know why."Jane demanded stepping into the house without a look for her fiancee.

Closing the door behind Jane Maura knew that the moment she has been scared of for the past week was finally here. Looking in Jane's eyes she knew that she wasn't here to try to work things out, that all she wanted was an explanation and to be able to unleash her pain on her.

"You might now believe it but I don't know why I did it Jane. " Maura replied her hands in her pocket looking down unwilling to face the disappointment in Jane's eyes.

"Come on Maura, you can tell me, tell me that you missed men and that what you needed to feel his big cock inside of you." Standing a few inches to Maura Jane wasn't herself, she was not only angry but disrespectful, full of hate and not concerned about Maura's feelings.

"Of course not!I told you a million times I do not miss men, I'm more satisfy with you than I have ever been with any men." Maura replied suddenly rising her head.

"But you told me you were tempted to let him fuck you, meaning he must have turn you on when he kissed you right?"Jane said walking closer to her girlfriend forcing her to step back.

"I suppose so, but I didn't go through with it because I'm in love with you and I don't want to be with any body else other than you. What I felt was simply a simple chemical reaction to his kiss. "

"Tell me what did he do to turn you on so much?Did he push you against the door?"Jane said pushing Maura back on the couch, climbing on top of her.

"Jane..."Looking up at Jane Maura was scared, she knew that Jane had a violent temper but was never scared for her safety with her.

"Tell me did he grabbed your boob and kissed you like this?"Not seeing the fear in her girlfriend's eyes Jane violently pressed her lips against Maura's mouth, pressing her tongue on her lips to make her open her mouth.

Feeling Jane pressing the weight on her entire body on her Maura was paralyzed, she couldn't move and feeling Jane's tongue attacking hers she was suffocating unable to talk or even breath. She couldn't believe this was the Jane she fell in live, but she understood her anger so she didn't flinch when Jane suddenly slid her hand under her chest and grabbed her left breast.

"Do I make you wet as much as he did?Tell me?" Jane said looking down at Maura .

"You ...you make me wetter than no one else ever did Jane."Unbuttoning her pants, pulling down the zipper and guiding Jane's hand inside her panties Maura was hurt but was willing to do what ever it took to make Jane see that she never desired anyone else more in her entire life. Regardless of how painful and humiliating this was Maura was determined to play along with Jane's anger hoping that at some point Jane would look at her in the eyes and see the woman she fell in love with years ago, not the woman who had cheated on her.

"God you're so wet for me." Jane said feeling the warmth streaming down Maura's folds with her fingers.

"I'm all wet for you baby." Maura replied swallowing hard as she bucked her hips against Jane's hand making her fingers thrust inside of her.

"Damn sometimes I forget how tight you are."Jane smiled attacking Maura's neck as she started to thrust in and out of her.

Laying on her back trying to follow the rhythm of Jane's thrust with her hips Maura could see how excited Jane was but it was different from everything she had experienced with her before. Ever since they started dating Jane has been nothing but a passionate, but gentle lover, attentive to Maura's pleasure, always taking her time to pleasure her, always putting Maura's desires before hers. This time it was different though, it was fast and rough, Jane wasn't making love to her, she was literally fucking her, out of anger, out of humiliation, of frustration and it hurt. Coming to realize how hurt Jane was Maura had to fight the tears burning her eyes and could only give Jane what she wanted : relief.

"Oh baby, harder, you're going to make me come." As sick and unexpected as it was Maura was actually enjoying this. She was extremely aroused and could fell her inner muscles tightening around Jane fingers every time she thrusted inside of her. She wasn't fighting this, she knew Jane needed it and couldn't help but feeling she deserved it anyway. Somehow being punished aroused her, it was liberating, after a week of ignoring her Jane was finally acknowledging her and as emotionally painful and humiliating this was Maura couldn't be picky and decided to accept this physical contact with Jane knowing that there was a chance that this wasn't a making up love session but a break up fuck.

"I...No, I can't do this."Suddenly stopping her thrust Jane pulled her hands from Maura's fold and bounced off the couch.

"Did I say something wrong?" Trying to stand up while buttoning her trouser Maura was confused.

"No, I just can't do this. This is not me. I ..."Her hand on her forehead Jane was horrified the way she had just acted with her fiancee wasn't her at all and it scared her.

"It's okay. You had anger to express, I was enjoying myself so don't worry about it."Trying to take Jane's hand Maura could see the distress in her eyes and started to think that playing along might have been a mistake.

"No, I...What we just did was everything but love, Maura. I can't do this, I'm sorry." Taking a step back stumbling on the coffee table Jane didn't understand her own actions, she was lost, completely lost in her own pain and suffering.

"Are you saying you don't love me anymore?"

"I'm saying that I don't trust you anymore and judging by what just happened I don't respect you anymore either."

"Then I will work on making you trust me again, just give me another chance Jane, please . I love you." Maura begged grabbing Jane's hand trying to keep her from leaving.

" I doubt you can do that Maura. I love you but...I just can't do that." Taking a step back before walking towards the door Jane felt a tear running down her cheek and her heart break into a million pieces.

Watching Jane walk out on her for the second time Maura was once again unable to to follow her and to do anything to make her stay. This time it was different though, not only she felt Jane's anger but she also realized that she had lost her trust and respect and that was probably what hurt her more. Standing there looking at that door Maura realized that she might have lost Jane for ever, that even if she still loved her making her forgive her would be almost impossible considering she had lost the two things that were the base of their relationship. Yes standing there like a complete idiot Maura was hit by the consequences of her action, one kiss, it had taken one kiss to destroy everything they had spent years to built. The love was the easiest part, it came almost the first minute they met, but the mutual respect, the trust was something they had to work one, to build step by step and considering that a simple kiss had just destroyed all that made Maura realize that it would take more than a simple apology to make things right.

**Okay guys, I don't know what to say. This was hardcore, I mean...both physically and emotionally and it was so out of character form Jane's part. At first I figured that it was logical from Maura knowing Jane so well to let her leave to give her time to think and to calm down. But what happened next was unplanned. Yes guys for the first time since I have been writing Rizzles fictions I have no idea where this story is going. I'm a bit lost but it's exciting. I think that even if this chapter was hard to read and hard to undersand Jane's behavior it was stirll good right?**

**Thank you for the suport on the first chapter. I'm hoping to get your feedback on this one, maybe it will help me figure things out lol. I'm as lost as Jane :(**


	3. Details

**For those who didn't get the chance to read and review this chapter...thanks**

**I wanted to thank RavenSkyAngel and hunter who helped me a lot by reviewing the previous chapter. I know It took me almost two weeks to update and I'm sorry but this story is hard than I thought and I don't really know where I'm going to I'm taking my time because I want to stay realistic!**

**Chapter 3 :**

**Details : **

A few hours later, after considering her options Maura picked herself up and decided to drove to Jane's hotel determined to try to make things better by telling her the entire truth. As cruel as it sounded Maura knew that telling Jane what really happened was probably the only way to help her forgive her, Jane had came to their house demanding explanations but had left before Maura could answer her.

Standing in front Jane's hotel room's door Maura was mentally preparing herself to be rejected and knew that after what had happened on their couch that Jane might not even be able to look at her in the eye.

"Maura, what…how did you find me?"Opening the door a beer in her hand Jane couldn't believe the nerve Maura had to come see her here.

"We received our bank statement yesterday…May I come in?"Maura shyly asked trying to make eye contact.

"No, just go please."Jane replied shutting the door on Maura's face.

"No, I'm not going anywhere. You asked me what he did to turn me on but you left without letting me reply. " Blocking the door before pushing it open Maura was determined not to let Jane push her away, she had asked for details and she was going to give them to her.

"What ever." Walking towards her bed taking a sip at her beer Jane was split between her need to know and the pain she knew it was going to cause her.

"So, where do I start?"Sitting on the edge of Jane's bed Maura was carefully considering every words she was going to say.

"I don't know, and I don't care, there's a game in a few minutes so just spill out what you came here to say and just leave me alone." Her eyes fixated on her tv Jane couldn't look at Maura because she knew that if she did she would see the pain in her eyes and would probably be tempted to reach out to her.

"Alright, straight to the point. Well after his speech I went to see him to pay my respect and he invited me for a drink and I accepted. The drink turned into a dinner and afterwards he offered to escort me to my room. As I was opening the door he put his hands on my hips. I quickly turned around to push him away but he kissed me before I could. I know I should have stopped him right there but I didn't. I think he felt encouraged by the fact that I didn't push him back so he pinned me against the door and started to wander his hands on my back all the way down to my back side . He then grabbed it and pulled me against him. I could feel that he was excited but I didn't stop him. He continued kiss me while rubbing himself against me while caressing my back side. I only stopped him when he reached out for my magnetic key. I violently pushed him away and rushed into my room and immediately started to cry petrified by what I had done." Feeling the tears streaming down her cheeks as she was telling the most horrifying event of her life Maura was almost reliving it and it hurt. Putting words on what had happened made it real, she couldn't act like it never happened anymore and facing what she had done was disgusting her.

"So was it the fact that he grabbed your ass or the fact that you felt he was hard that turned you on?"Looking at her girlfriend with so much anger Jane was picturing every single details Maura was giving her and it made her sick. Picturing some random guy grabbing her ass and dipping his tongue down her throat, made her want to fly to New-York and kill the bastard with her bare hands.

"I think it was a mix of both…"Looking down flipping her engagement ring on her finger with her thumb Maura was slowly at the same time as Jane realizing how horrible what she had done truly was.

"You were turned on by feeling a man touching you and being hard against you and you're telling me you don't miss men?"Rising her voice as she bounced out of bed Jane felt her pulse rising and the blood boiling in her vein. Even if she wasn't a violent person and knew she could never hurt Maura hearing her confessing her mistake made her want to punish her, physically.

"I know how incoherent this is and I don't know what else to tell you except that I'm so very sorry for hurting you so much. I accepted to have a drink with him without thinking for one second we would end up making out in front of my suite. I don't know why I didn't push him away when he started kissing me. " Standing up as well Maura could see Jane was on the edge and somehow was hoping for Jane to hit her, to punish her.

"I know why you did it, it's just who you are, you enjoy the attention, feeling that both men and women desire you. See that's the difference between you and me Maura. I never looked at someone else since the day I fell in love with you, but even after we started dating you always felt that need to flirt and seduce people. I never liked it that much but I knew that you were with me and that you loved me and I was kinda proud to know that all those assholes were envying me. If I had known I would have never allowed you to be that flirty …"Clenching her teeth and both fists Jane was suddenly remembering all the times she saw Maura flirting with men or women asking herself if she was tempted back than or if it was just a game.

"The need to feel desirable to others when we're in a relationship is only human, it proves us that we still exist outside the relationship but I promise you that I never, never felt tempted to cheat on have to believe me, I love you."Taking a risky step towards Jane swallowing hard Maura didn't expect Jane to give another chance, the more she heard Jane pointing out how ridiculous her explanations were the less she felt she deserved a second chance.

"It's too late Maura, I can't trust you anymore, especially if you don't even know why you did it."Closing her eyes feeling Maura's hand on her chest Jane wanted to believe her so bad, but as a cop she could see that all the evidence were showing her not to.

"Then help me figure it out, please. I know I made a mistake but I love you and I would do anything to make things right, just tell me what to do you please." Suddenly bursting in tear, almost collapsing Maura couldn't take it anymore, the guilt, the pain she had caused were too heavy to carry on her shoulders.

Catching Maura before she collapsed on the floor holding her in her arms Jane could feel her shaking, tears streaming down her cheeks. As angry as Jane was she was still in love with Maura but she didn't know how to trust her again, especially if Maura didn't know even why she had cheated on her. The truth was Jane wanted to throw Maura out, shut the door behind her and never talk to her again, but she needed to know, to understand why Maura had acted like this. She obviously didn't believe Maura when she stated that she didn't miss men, but she felt there was something much deeper than that and she knew that to move on she needed to know what it was that made Maura commit the biggest mistake of her life.

**Alright my beloved readers, I 'm going blind on this one, help me out lol. If you have any ideas where this should go tell me.**

**I think Maura is confused and that she doesn't know why she did it. Jane's also got a valid point when she said it was just who Maura was : she loves to flirt. But we all know there is a difference between flirting and enjoying seducing and cheating. So I think both of them need to figure out why Maura did it and after that Jane will either break up for good or take it to the next step and work on forgive her...**

**Thanks for the support, this story is hard for me to write and I hope I'm realistic enough hope you had a nice xmas!**


	4. Starting over

**Chapter 3 :**

**Starting over : **

After several minutes standing there in the middle of Jane's hotel room releasing all her pain and self hatred Maura finally stopped crying. Comfortably buried in her arms slowly calming down Maura could have stayed there for ever listening to Jane's heart beating, so fast indeed that she knew she was knew that she wasn't completely insensitive to her desperate cry for help.

Her arms around Maura's shoulders Jane was uncomfortable, she was split between being compassionate and respond to her cry for help and just throwing her out. Feeling Maura's tears streaming down her chest Jane could feel how sincere and hurt she was but unfortunately it didn't change the ugliness of her action. She broke her trust and everything that made them who they were and no tears no matter how sincere they were would ever be able to make up for that.

"Well, I think I better go now, the game should start soon."Maura sobbed taking a step back wiping the tears of her face with the back of her sleeve.

"Yes, well thank you for …being honest." Biting her lower lip Jane was for the first time since she met Maura unable to find the proper words that would fit this particular situation.

"You're welcome. Goodbye Jane." Turning her back on Jane, grabbing her purse on her bed Maura was struggling to keep herself from crawling at her feet and just beg for forgiveness. Unfortunately she knew that's not what Jane wanted, that humiliating herself like that wouldn't bring her sympathy at all.

"Wait." Muttering that word Jane didn't even know if she even spoke it or just thought it really loud.

Fidgiting for a second Maura's first thought was that she had hallucinated. Sighing slowly opening the door holding her tears Maura had a feeling this was probably the last time Jane ever held her in her arms.

"Wait!"Jane repeated rising her voice this time.

"Yes."Maura replied slightly turning her head, her hand on the door handle.

"Would you...like to watch the game with me?I have enough beer for two."Biting her lower Jane regretted saying those words the second they slipped out of her mouth.

"I would like that very much thank you." Maura replied, smiling.

So that afternoon settled on Jane's bed as far as they could possibly from each other the two women watched the game in silence. Thinking about it Maura had the same feeling she had the first time Jane invited her to her place to watch a game over 5 years ago. She remembered struggling to fit in after moving from New-York. Actually Jane was the first to welcome her into her team probably because she was a woman too and knew how hard it was for them to get respected in such a male dominated environment. About two weeks after they started to work together Jane had invited her over to watch a baseball game hoping it would help her to get more comfortable. That afternoon the two women watched the game in silence each of them at one end of the couch Jane a bottle of beer in her hand and Maura a glass of expensive wine she had brought not knowing what someone like Jane could drink while watching sports. Even if they were now able to laugh about it this afternoon turned out to be the most awkward of both of their lives. Luckily for Maura unlike most people who would have just quit after realizing they came from such different worlds Jane actually invited Maura the next week and the week after that and the two slowly became best friends.

Now sitting in the same position Maura was touched by Jane's small gesture but couldn't help but feeling that what she had done had sent them back 5 years earlier and that they would have to start completely over, if Jane allowed it which was probably never going to happy.

2 hours later the game was over. Laying there for several minutes watching the following commercials neither Jane or Maura knew what to do or say. Maura didn't know if she was suppose to leave or if the atmosphere was relaxed enough to allow her to try to start a normal conversation. Jane on the other hand wanted Maura to leave knowing that if she stayed any longer they might actually talk and she wanted to avoid that.

"Well that was probably the crappiest game so far this year." Jane joked turning the volume down.

"I wouldn't know, I usually don't really pay attention to the game when I play." Maura replied slightly relieve that the first words that came out of Jane's mouth weren't : get the hell out now!

"I know. You usually spend the game drooling at the players telling me how good in bed they must be based on their physical characteristics."As the words literally slipped out off her voice in the most naturally way possible Jane immediately regretted making that joked, joke she would have made back in the day when she actually trusted her not to feel any real desire for those players.

"I...I'm sorry Jane. I never meant to hurt you by doing that." Maura mumbled feeling her cheek turning red and her pulse rising of embarrassment. Obviously she knew Jane was joking but considering what she had done she knew that Jane was probably now asking herself if she ever fantasize over those players.

"It's alright. Anyway how's Joe Friday?"Jane replied lifting her legs around her chest protecting herself both physically and emotionally.

"She's good but she misses you. Maybe you could visit her sometimes?"Maura offered in a pathetic attempt to make Jane coming to their house using her little dog.

"Sure, I would love to have her here but I can't. Don't worry I will get her out off your air as soon as I find a new place." The truth Jane had no intention of going to what used to be their house especially after what happened last time. She knew that going back there in the place they had spent weeks transforming into their love nest after she moved it. She knew that all she would be able to feel would be nostalgia and that it would probably weaken her into talking or even take a step towards reconciliation and she couldn't take that chance, not after having her heart ripped off her chest.

"Alright. Speaking of pet, I have to go, It's dinner time for Bass and you know how grumpy he is when I'm not on schedule." Bouncing out off bed Maura knew it was time for her to leave, that Jane wasn't feeling comfortable anymore and after making the mistake of inviting her to their house she couldn't even blame her.

"Yeah. Well tell Joe Friday I will visit her later."Jane grinned knowing that the next time she comes to the house would be to pack the rest of her things and take Joe Friday with her.

"Sure. So Jane...I..."Maura mumbled carefully considering her words.

"Yes..."

""I think you're right." Maura strongly stated knowing that she needed to appear confident if she wanted Jane to believe what she was about to tell her.

"About?"Smiling uncomfortably Jane had a feeling that Maura was about to confess something important and hated herself for asking her to stay.

"When you said that I couldn't expect you to forgive me if I was unable to tell you why I acted the way I did. I spent every single awaken minute since you left trying to figure out why, but I can't. That's why I decided to start seeing a therapist. I have my first session next week." Confessing this to Jane Maura knew that it would probably not change anything but she wanted Jane to know that she was doing everything she could to understand her own behavior.

"Oh okay, well I hope that's gonna help you figure things out. I wish I could tell you that understanding you will help me forgive you but can't Maura. It's just not that simple."Touched by Maura's determination fo figure things out Jane knew that unfortunately understanding Maura's behavior would only be the first step to rebuilding their relationship, if that was even possible.

"I know. I'm well aware that even if we manage to understand my behavior I broke the trust you had in me and that it's not something that can be fixed over night but I'm willing to try my best Jane, if you want me to of course."Looking straight in Jane's eyes feeling the tears rushing to her eyes Maura was humble knowing that pushing Jane wasn't the solution that all she could do was take a step back and let her decide.

"I think you should go to therapy for yourself not for me or for us. I know you're sincere and that you love me and that I can not live with so much hate and resentment for ever but it's just...to soon for me to even consider forgiving you."Jane replied feeling Maura's heart break as she said those words.

"I understand Jane, I know that by the time I figure things out and fix myself it might be too late to fix us but I have to try. You know why?Because I love you more than science, more than my god damn money and connections, actually I love you more than life itself. So I'm going to do everything in my power to help you forgive me. No matter what it take I will not rest until you have this around your finger again."Maura said pulling out Jane's engagement ring from her shirt attached to a chain.

Not giving time for her to reply Maura walked towards the door confident that Jane was indeed still in love with her and that there was still hope. Walking to her car Maura knew that the road towards forgiveness was going to be long and painful but she knew that Jane was worth it and that she would never be able to live without her anyway. Yes as much as she hated therapy Maura knew that if she wanted to fix their relationship she had to fix herself first. Over the past 5 years Jane had fixed her but apparently not entirely for her to cheat like that. When Maura accepted to marry Jane she was convinced that she would never have to be alone ever again, that every terrible things that had happened to her before she met Jane were behind her, that being with her helped her forget about it and heal. Well as it seemed she was actually wrong and she knew that in order to make Jane trust her again she was going to have to trust her therapist as much as she trusted Jane and that it would be a real challenge.

**Alright guys I know this story is going slowly and I wish I could tell you that I have a clear idea where it's going but I can't lol.**

**I think therapy is a good idea. I think Maura needs it and that Jane needs to move on but that she still needs to find out why Maura did what she did. Hopefully after discovering her reason and seeing how sincere she is she will agree to give her another chance.**

**Sorry for not uploading this story but as I mentioned I'm suffering from author's block and the decrease of interest in my stories certainly doesn't help. I thin it might be time for me to take a break from FF...**  
><strong>I have had this story in my mine for so long that I intent to finish it but I honestly don't know when chapter 5 will be up so ideas and encouragements are welcome!<strong>


	5. Therapy

**Well guys, a new chapter so soon...**

**luctocook, thank you for you review, I wanted to send you a PM to discuss it but you disabled the PM option :(**

**Chapter 5 :**

**Therapy**

About a week later Maura had her first appointment with her therapist. Sitting in the waiting room straight on her chair her legs crossed nervously biting her lower lip Maura couldn't help but feeling weak and stupid for having to come here. The truth was that Dr Maura Isles was a genius who usually had all the answers. Unfortunately as smart as she was and as vast as her knowledge of the human brain was she was unable to understand her own actions and needed help if she wanted Jane to ever consider giving her another chance.

"Dr Isles?I'm ready if you are?"A voice suddenly spoke a feet away from her.

"Yes Doctor, it's nice to meet you, please call me Maura." Standing up walking towards her new therapist Maura could feel her heart hammering her chest, and her head spinning, she was scared, scared to death of being broken beyond repair.

"It's very nice to meet you too Maura, please come in." Dr Turner said opening the door inviting Maura to step in.

Dr Turner was a woman in her late thirties who came highly recommended. She had graduated from Harvard and had published several best sellers and had a solid reputation among the gay community.

Quickly looking around Maura couldn't help but noticing how neat the office was but was still warm and welcoming.

Mechanically sitting down the blue velvet couch her fists clinched on her purse Maura felt vulnerable and completely unsafe. She has no idea how this was suppose to work and was hoping Dr Turner would be able to take the lead and show her the way.

"So Maura, would you like to tell me what brought you here today?"Siting on a chair opposite Maura a note pad and pen on her lap Dr Turner could see how unease Maura was but choose a direct approach knowing from experience that turning in circle around the issue wasn't healthy.

"I …I cheated on my fiancee and I need you to help me understand why if I want her to give me another chance." Maura shyly replied looking away unable face Dr Turner look. Even if she knew that therapist weren't supposed to judge she knew she could probably read her mind by looking at her facial expressions.

"How long have you two been together?"Nodding at Maura's confession Dr Turned didn't flinch, instead she look straight into Maura's eyes with enough compassion so she would feel more secure talking to a complete stranger.

"Well Jane and I started dating a year and a half ago and she proposed on our first anniversary but met about 5 years ago when I transferred from New-York Medical Examiner's office to Boston. She was one of my Detectives. "Maura smiled remembering the first time they met.

"Would you mind telling me more about how your relationship, how it evolved from a professional to a personal one?"Asking Maura that question Dr Turner was trying to understand why Jane and Maura had waited 3 and a half years to start dating. She wanted to figure out if it was because they were both taken at the time or if they denied their feeling for social or religious reasons, reasons that might have resurfaced and pushed Maura towards infidelity.

"The first thing you need to know is that Jane and I have nothing in common except our thirst for justice. She's a blue collar italian Detective who swears quite a lot and who uses her guts to catch criminals while I was born in a wealthy family that educated me to always behave myself and never let my emotions dictate my behavior, not to mention that I relay on science and science only to solve crimes, which I must say drive Jane insane at times."

"She's impatient?"

"She is, well I obviously understand that when you're trying to catch a killer every minute counts. Unfortunately you can not rush science or me. I have my own way of processing things. At first it was hard for her at first but she slowly understood that my methods were indeed very efficient and that if she wanted our collaboration to be successful she needed to make compromises just like I did."

"And from what I read in the papers your collaboration is indeed very successful."

"It used to be, we decided it was better for me to get assigned to another team after we got . You know being the only two women in the unit and spending so many hours together we slowly became friends and we discovered that our differences were actually our strongest asset, that we completed each other perfectly."

"I understand we're often more attracted to people who complete us who can help us with our flaws than people who are at our own image."

"Exactly. Actually I think people gave up trying to understand our dynamic a long time ago. I think it's just easier for them to just accept our relationship than trying to understand how two women who are so different can make such a good team and be so in love."

"Well as a scientist you know that the desire to understand, to put words on things, to categorize is in our nature. How about you Maura?Have you struggled trying to understand your bond with Jane?"Asking that question Dr Turner was trying to figure out if coming out has been hard for her.

"Not really. I mean from the very first time I met her I found myself drawned to her and she quickly became my best friend, the first friend I ever had really. I started to trust her, to confide into her about my past, about my fears. Before I realized it she knew me inside and out. At first it was obviously unsettling but I quickly decided to just enjoy our relationship rather than trying to qualify or define it you know."

"I understand. How about your romantic relationship? You told me you waited two and a half years to start dating after you met."

"Yes. If I want to be honest with you I must confess that I fell in love with Jane the second I first lay my eyes on her. The closest we got the more I was convinced that she was indeed my soul mate. We waited for so long because we were both scared of how strong our feelings were, after spending our entire lives unable to trust anyone and being lonely we just didn't know how to accept each other feelings, but it had nothing to do with being gay, trust me Jane and I couldn't care less about people's judgment, if that's what you had in mind." Maura smiled finally understanding whereDr Turner was going with her questions.

"Yes I was afraid that it had taken you so long to face your feelings because you were scared of people's reaction, of being rejected by your friends or families which would have made a lot of sense. "

"And you thought that getting engaged reignited my fear of becoming an outcast after spending my entire trying to fit in. That makes sense but it wasn't the case our friends were delighted and Jane's family too and my parents actually love Jane very much and they made it really clear to their friends that they wouldn't tolerate any comment on our relationship or life style. I think we were very lucky to have people that supportive around us."

"Yes you are. Was there a particular event that triggered that admission of your feelings?"

"Yes. A year and a half ago we…Jane and I were taken hostage by Charles Hoyt who you probably know as "the surgeon". He…paralyzed me using his tazer while his apprentice was holding Jane down and he started to cut my throat with his scalpel which triggered something I never saw in Jane's eyes. I obviously saw her being mad and threatening criminals but this was different. One minute she was paralyzed by fear and the next she was dipping a scalpel into Hoyt's heart."Telling this story for the first time in over a year and half Maura remembered every single second of that moment. Even if it only lasted a few minutes it felt like eternity, and telling Dr Turner about it brought every back, she could literally see Jane paralyzed by the fear and Hoyt on top of her.

"He hurt you and this must have triggered a increase of adrenaline in her system. That or she couldn't stand seeing someone hurting the woman she loved."

"I think it was a little bit of both. I don't know really, all I know is that day was her birthday and her mother had organized a surprise party at her place. Once every one was gone I started cleaning the dishes and out of nowhere she just wrapped her arms around my waist and whispered "_I would never allow any one hurt you and live to tell the story. I hope you know that_." I remember closing my eyes feeling her breath down my neck and her head resting my shoulder. After a couple of minutes that seemed like hours I turned around looked up to her and said "_ I can't do this anymore_." " Closing her eyes that moment was still very clear in Maura's mind and heart, she could literrally smell Jane's perfume and feel her breath on her skin.

"What did she say?"

"She replied : _"Me neither._" and kissed me. I remember feeling shivers down my spine and my feet lifting up the ground. It was the most intense moment of my entire life and it comforted me in what I had known for years. Nothing sexual happened that night, not that we didn't want to but we were both physically and emotionally tired, but I stayed the night, fell asleep in her arms and felt safe and loved for the first time in my entire life."

"Were you scared of her reaction the next morning?"

"Yes. I was afraid that her sudden display of affection only happened because she was in shock and that after a good night of sleep she would regret it."

"I suppose she didn't."

"No. Actually I remember faking being still asleep because I wanted to stay in her arms and enjoy myself as long as possible. Obviously she knew that I was awake so she kissed me."

"To reassure you on the seriousness of her feelings."

"Yes she probably figured that I was faking being asleep because I was afraid she might reject me. That's Jane, she always knows how I fell and what to do or say to make me feel better. She also as this ability to help me understand my feeling especially regarding my parents."

" Was she able to help you understand why you felt compelled to be unfaithful?"

"Yeah she did say something but I'm not ready to talk about it yet...I haven't processed it yet and besides our time is up." Maura nervously replied looking at her watch. Saying those words Maura was obviously referring to Jane saying she had cheated on her because she had this visceral need to seduce, to feel desired and she hadn't processed this yet and wasn't ready to talk about it.

"Alright, we don't have to talk about anything you're not comfortable will. How about we meet next week at the same time?"Dr Turner asked knowing that there was what ever Jane had told her must have been true on some level and that it was probably something she never considered before it happened and that it must scare her an she knew that she would have to acknowledge it at some point and work on finding out if Jane was right or not.

"That's sound perfect. Thank you."

Going home that afternoon feeling completely drained Maura couldn't help but thinking about Jane had said. She knew her better than any one else and knew that she meant every word she said. So that afternoon Maura laid down in bed and starting to ask herself if Jane was right : if she cheat on her because she needed to feel desired and attractive and that this time she had just played with fire going a bit to far, so far that she hadn't been able to stop herself. Thinking about it this hypotesis was more attractive than the other one Jane must have considered : that she wasn't the monogamist type and that she would never be. Just thinking about that possibility froze Maura's blood in her veins. Thinking that she might still feel the desire to sleep around despite being with the most incredible woman she ever met who satisfied her both emotionally and physically more than anyone she ever met before was excruciating and she wasn't willing to consider this hypotesis as being even partially true.

**So guys what do you think? Did Maura cheat because she's just not monogamist or was it just a seduction game that she usually plays that turned bad?**

**I know you might think that Maura wouldn't be so talkative during the first session but I think that talking about Jane about how they fell in love is something she would be kin to talk about to any stranger she meets, really and I thought telling you guys how they met made sens. I think Dr Turner was trying to establish how they felt in long and what their relationship was to understand how and why it fell appart. But notice at the end when the therapist suggested that Jane might have done something to provoke her behavior she closed down knowing she was about to have to talk about the cheating. I think it's gonna be hard for her to talk about it especially because she has no idea why she did it.**

**PS: I know I said I wasn't inspired it's true you're the one with your reviews who encouraged me and gave me ideas and right now I dont know what's next I have ideas but I don't know how to put them together which is frustrating!Maybe next chapter Jane could pick her stuff up at their house and Maura could confess being to the therapist and afterwards Jane could do some soul searching herself...I want this story to be centered on both on them not only Maura's therapy but also Jane's healing process.**


	6. Hope

**Chapter 6:**

**Hope.**

Without noticing it Maura fell asleep, her face wet of the endless tears she had cried thinking about Jane and what she had done to her. Deeply asleep drained of all her energy by her therapy session and her intensive self examination Maura didn't even hear Jane coming into their bedroom.

Stepping into what used to be their love nest Jane was determined to pack her things as soon as possible. Unfortunately as soon as she entered they bedroom seeing Maura sleeping she knew she might not get away as fast and easily as she had expected. Walking towards her wardrobe on her tip toes Jane couldn't help but noticing the faded make up and dried tears on Maura's face. Moving a step closer to the bed Jane had to fight to resist the desire to caress Maura's face. No matter how mad at her she was Maura still had this ability to meet her heart melt, even more knowing that those were probably tears of guilt.

"Jane?"Slowly opening her eyes Maura 's vision was blurry but she could recognize Jane's perfume among a thousand.

"I'm sorry for waking you up, those floors crackle no matter how careful I am." Jane pouted sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Yes, I'm sorry I was just..." Trying to wipe the tears and make up of her face with her sleeve Maura was embarassed, she didn't want Jane to see her cry or to know she was crying.

"Taking a nap."Jane replied smiling wipping a tear from Maura's cheek with her thumb.

"Yes. I had a long day."Turning her head to avoid Jane's touch Maura knew that she was here to pick up her things, nothing more and that telling her about her therapy session would be useless, that once Jane Rizzoli had something in mind there was no stopping her andshe wasn't willing to humiliate herself again knowing the exact outcome.

"Well I'm sorry for coming unannounced but I thought you would be at work." Jane apologized taking a step back.

"It's alright. Joe Friday is probably in the living room and well you know where you things are." Looking down as she slowly bounced out off bed Maura couldn't even look at Jane. She knew that if she laid eyes on her she wouldn't be able to resist the urge to jump at her neck and beg her not to leave her. Unfortunately Maura knew that the only way for her to earn Jane's forgiveness, trust and respect back was to do things her way and to accept what ever punishment her ex girlfriend would inflect her.

"It shouldn't take long." Jane muttered watching Maura walking away closing the door behind them.

Packing her remaining personal effects such as books, cds', clothes Jane couldn't help but worry about Maura. As hurt as she was and as though and unforgiving as she was trying to appear Jane was touched, even pained to see Maura struggling like this. Actually knowing how hurt Maura was and how guilty she felt made things worse, seeing that she was as destroyed as she was herself made it extremely hard for her not to give her another chance, especially considering she was still madly in love with her. Luckily for her Jane had decided to follow her brain, not her heart and knew that as sincere as Maura was she still had issues to work on and that jumping back into a relationship wouldn't be the wise choice to make. Actually what Jane didn't want to tell Maura was that one of the reasons she didn't want to give her another chance was because she knew herself too well and knew that being with her without having forgiven her and without trusting her again would be dangerous. She knew that she wouldn't be able to refrain herself from being jealous and insecure if Maura was to have lunch or even talk with a male friend and knowing what she was capable of when she was in that kind of state of mind she knew it would destroyed what was left of their relationship.

15 minutes later as Jane was standing in the middle of their bedroom looking around her trying to see if she wasn't forgetting anything her eyes stopped on the picture on Maura's night table : it was a picture taken during their engagement party showing Jane standing behind Maura , her arms wrapped around her , her head resting on her shoulder. Jane actually remembered that Maura had insisted to hire a professional photographer to immortalize this evening but she had chosen to frame that one picture Angela took without their knowledge. Looking down at the black and white picture Jane remembered this evening and the precise moment it was taken.

_"Come on breath, it's just an engagement party, everything is going to be alright." Jane whispered standing behind Maura kissing her cheek._

_"How can you be so calm?We're going to announce to our families and friends that we're getting married Jane!"Maura replied her entire body shaking ._

_"I know_ that_ darling but my family and the guys love you and I think that I have earned your parents' trust and respect so I'm sure every one is going to be thrilled alright?Now if you don't people to start asking why e you hired one of the best chief to cater tonight's dinner and a photographer, we better go back inside now.."_

_"Did you tell anyone?"Maura replied suddenly turning around._

_"Of course not. My mother and everyone else think this is her birthday party, which considering her birthday is next week is actually true. Nobody suspect a thing, don't worry. I love you Maura and I want to spend the rest of my life with you for better or for worse until death or my italian mother do us part." Jane said gently brushing Maura's mouth with her lips trying to calm her down._

_"I love you too Jane."Maura sighed closing her eyes for just a second before dragging Jane inside to make the announcement._

Remembering one of the most beautiful evening of her life Jane was unable to hold the tears streaming down her cheek. God knew she had meant every single word she had said that night and when she proposed and couldn't understand or even believe that Maura who was the most honest and truthful person she ever met would break those vows.

Taking a deep breath as she finally stepped outside the bedroom Jane immediately noticed Maura sitting on the couch, Joe Friday on her lap.

"Well Joe Friday, your mommy is going to take you with her to her new appartement. I don't know for how long we're going to be appart but I promise that I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that you, Bass, your mommy and I are a family again very soon." Sitting on the couch holding the little dog as tight as she could Maura couldn't help but thinking that by taking Joe Friday with her Jane was definately moving out, taking all the things proving that she ever lived here with her.

"Well I'm all done." Jane suddenly spoke coughing.

"Alright, well I gave Joe Friday a bath this morning so she won't spoil your new place."Maura replied closing her eyes trying to take deeper breath.

"Maura..."Jane muttered taking a step towards the couch.

"Yes..."Maura replied turning her head hoping to see signs of hesitations on Jane's face.

"You went to your first session today, didn't you?"Asking that question Jane didn't want to sound intrusive or insensitive and was expecting Maura to tell her it was none of her business but after spending the entire week wondering how that session went Jane couldn't help herself.

"Yes."Maura nodded looking down avoiding eye contact.

"Alright, well I'm glad you went and I hope that she's gonna be able to help you, I really do." As in love as she was Jane was also realistic and knew she had to consider the fact that their relationship was broken beyond repair but couldn't help but hoping that going to therapy would help.

"It was my first session, we just talked about how we met and fell in love, nothing deep. I suppose she just wanted to know me better and understood our dynamic."

"That makes sense...Well I should get going, the cable guy is coming in an hour and I don't want to miss the game tonight." Jane suddenly said standing up.

"Right, right. Come on Joe Friday go with your mommy."Maura said handing the little dog to Jane feeling her heart break immediately .

Walking towards the door holding Joe Friday in her right arm and her bag with her left hand Jane's heart just broke as she realized this might be the last time she ever came to that house. After living in that house for the past 18 months she was now going back to live in a small one bedroom appartement with her dog.

"Jane..."Maura muttered standing behind Jane.

"Yes." Dropping her back on the floor as she turned around Jane was praying that Maura wouldn't burst in tears knowing that she wouldn't be able to resist her.

"What should we tell people? I mean we can't hide our break up from for ever."Saying the word " break up" for the first time Maura was suddenly slapped in the face by the reality : Jane and her were no longer engaged to be married and knew that as soon as her loved ones would learn about their break up they would start asking questions and she wasn't ready to face their anger.

"I'm going to tell them we're taking some time appart but that the reasons are none of their business."Jane replied voluntary avoiding the word break up.

"Thank you, God knows I'm strong enough to face their anger and resentment right now." Maura replied shrugging her shoulders.

"Hey Maura, look at me. I would never let anyone hurt you, I hope you know that. What happened is between you and me and I won't let anyone unleash their anger on you, on bombard you with questions, alright?"

"I know, thank you."Closing her eyes Maura couldn't help but smiling at Jane's protectiveness : unlike most people who would have enjoyed seeing her being verbally assaulted by friends determined to step up for her and get her honor back all Jane wanted was to spare Maura from her loved ones' questions and anger.

Lying in bed later that day Maura couldn't help but being torn between being devastated by Jane's departure and feeling hopeful. Obviously the fact that Jane had rented a new appartement and had taken Joe Friday seemed to indicate that she was indeed moving on but Maura couldn't help but thinking about Jane's behavior. As hurt as she was, now that the days had passed Jane, now that she had time to process seemed less angry and was showing not only genuine interest in her therapy but also real concern and was determined to spare her from any painful intrusion in their private life. But what made Maura the happiest was that Jane was going to tell people that they were "taking time appart" not that they had broke up which seemed to indicate that she was probably hoping that they would reconcile at some point. Yes as devastated as Maura was Jane's words and attitude gave her strength and hope she needed . Knowing that Jane still loved her Maura knew that it was up to her to work hard to make her forgive her.

**Hey guys, no I'm not dead!As I said I have been suffering from a terrible author's block but I feel my muse is slowly inspiring me again...I know this chapter wasn't great but it's better than nothing right?**

**I hope the pace isn't too slow or boring for you but I think taking things slow, step by step is more realistic. I think that next chapter should be focused on Jane's point of view and on how she's going to tell everyone.**

**As always reviews are welcome...thanks!**


	7. Facing the truth

**Hey guys,**

**thanks for the reviews on last chapter...**

**I think I now have a clearer picture on where this story is going(maybe lol)**

**I also wanted to thank all of you for supporting me ever since I started to post fiction here but I think that it's time for me to move on. I will obviously wrap up my tree stories : this one+"unconditional support" and "first of all I would be the guy" but after that I will no longer post.**

**Why? Well first of all I have lost the inspiration and the desire to even write. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with ideas in my head and the visceral need to write them down immediately . I also realised that I'm sad or even angry when people don't review my stories which is pathetic. I think that when it comes to a point when your only distraction or source of joy is fan fiction it's time to simply move on and put yourself in the real world again. I will continue to write for myself , I'm actually planning on writing an original novel. Obviously I know it's never gonna get published cause I don't have the languages skills for that but it's an idea I have had in my head for years and I think it's time to me to realise that dream(besides I can always publish it myself on amazon as a kindle). What matters to me is going through with this project for my own pleasure regardless if people are going to read it and like it or not!**

**I hope you still enjoy my work, don't worry I'm not done yet, those 3 stories are far from finished! Again thanks for the support!**

**Chapter 6 :**

**Facing the truth :**

A few days later Jane had finally finished moving into her new flat. It was a cosy one bedroom apartment similar to the one she occupied before moving in with Maura. Obviously it was nothing to compared to the house she shared with her ex girlfriend, but it was only two blocks from the station and the rent was affordable. After spending almost a week living among boxes and bags full of clothes Jane had finally decided to unpack but was still unwilling to arrange the apartment to make it feel like a home because as hurt as she still was Jane couldn't help but hoping that this situation would only be temporary.

Luckily for Jane things have been extremely busy at work and Frost and her have been trying to catch a murderer who had already killed twice. After spending almost 10 days looking for suspects they had finally found someone who matched their profile perfectly.

So that Tuesday morning Jane found herself sitting in her car parked a few yards from the suspect's house hoping he would lead them to a woman who had disappeared two days prior and who seemed to fit his type.

"So you think he might actually lead us to the girl?"Sitting on the passenger seat looking at his partner Frost could see that something was bothering her but knew her well enough not to intrude.

"Yeah, I mean he doesn't have the privacy to torture his victims here, so all we need to do is wait and I'm sure he's gonna lead us to his last victim. I just hope we won't arrive to late." Looking towards the suspect's house her head resting against the window Jane was grateful for those few hours she got to spend in her car, in silence allowing her to think about the only thing that occupied her mind.

"Well the ME said that the two previous victims were tortured for at least 7 days before being killed so if he doesn't change his pattern we still have another 5 days. Speaking of ME, I hope Maura doesn't mind you being here all day, possibly all night..."Biting his lower lip Frost knew there was only one thing that would preoccupy Jane and occupy her brain like that and he was giving her the opportunity to her to talk to him without being intrusive.

"About Maura...we...I kinda moved out about two weeks ago."Jane replied her eyes still fixated on her target.

"Oh Jane, I'm so sorry to hear that, may I ask what happened?"Frost always considered Jane has a role model, someone he could look up to, learn from but he also loved her as a sister and just like anyone else wasn't thrilled and not really shocked when the two women finally came out as a couple.

"We just...we just realised that we had some issues that we needed to work on and that it was best for both of us if I moved out in the mean time." Slightly turning her head Jane knew that Frost wouldn't believe a word she just said, that as a close friend of her and Maura moving out meant that something bad had happened. Unfortunately as agreed with Maura she wasn't willing to disclose the circumstances of their separation.

"Well I'm sorry to hear that , the two of you are truly meant to be together Jane and I hope that you'll managed to sort things out."

"Yeah I hope so. I think it's better to just separate for a while to work on our issues rather then staying together full of resentment and unresolved feelings you know..."

"I know what you mean, being appart should allow you to breath and consider things quietly which might not be possible living under the same roof. If you need anything you know I'm here for you partner, both of you." Hearing those words Frost was now convinced that something terrible must have happen for Jane to speak of their relationship like that but wasn't again willing to push her confess.

"I know, we just don't wont people to invade our privacy and ask questions so this information will be shared on a need to know basis and I'm counting on your discretion."

"You got it. Alright let's focus on our guy here. He came back from work an hour ago and looks like he's taking a shower now, shouldn't take long before he goes out."Frost replied handing the binoculars to Jane.

"Looks like it, would you do me a favor?"

"Yes, I will let you tackle him." Frost replied smiling knowing that the best way for Jane to get her mind off her marital problems was to focus on her job and that some action might help as well.

At the other side of town Maura was sitting in her therapist's office for her second session. Unlike during the previous session she was much more relaxed and optimistic and willing to open up about her feelings and about what had really happened.

"So Maura, how has your week been so far?"Sitting in her usual velvet chair in front of Maura Dr Turner could see that Maura was far more relaxed then the first time she came to see her. She was wearing a rather large baggy trouser that allowed her to cross her legs and was comfortably laying back in her couch.

"Well I spent most of it in court, which unlike what people might think is everything easy and on a more personal note Jane came by the house and packed the rest of her personal belonging and took Joe Friday with her to move in her new apartment." Explaining the situation Maura wasn't ashamed to reveal the truth, putting words on her own failures. She was actually determined to be honest and truthful because she knew it was the only way to get better and to win Jane's trust and respect back.

"You seem to take this pretty well." Dr Turner replied nodding.

"Well it wasn't a surprise because she told me she would come back for her things once she found a new place to live about ten days ago when I visited her at her hotel."

"Alright, you had time to prepare I suppose, but how do you feel now that it actually happened?"

"I feel terrible because I know It's my fault if she made that decision and I miss her every single minute but somehow I know this situation is only temporary."

"Has Jane said or done anything to make you think it was only temporary?"

"Yes, when she came to our house I was taking a nap after our last session and she saw I had been crying and showed genuine concern and when I asked her what we should tell people she replied that we should tell them that we are taking some time appart."

"Did she use that terminology?"

"Yes, she didn't say "break up" but "time appart". She told me that she wasn't going to reveal the reasons because it was nobody's business and because she didn't want people to hurt me by the disappointment or anger if they would express if they knew we separated because I cheated on her."

"She's trying to protect you..."

"Yes and she gave genuine encouragement regarding my therapy but I'm not naive Doctor. I know that even if I manage to understand why I felt compelled to cheat on her and to make her understand it too I still broke her trust and there is a chance that I might never be able to fix that and I have to accept it."

"Accepting that despite your best efforts you might not regain her full trust or that your relationship might be broken beyond repair is the first step."

"Exactly, I need to do this for myself not for her or for anyone else, but don't get me wrong Jane is the love of my life and I'm going to fight to get her back, no matter what it takes. Speaking of which I had time to think about the question you asked me at the end of our last session."Maura said taking a deep breath finally ready to admit and face her failure.

"When I asked you if Jane was able to help you understand why you acted the way you did?"Remembering their last session Dr Turner knew that Jane had probably confronted Maura and told her why she had felt compelled to cheat on her and was happy that she was finally ready to face it.

"Yes...She...said that it was just who I am, that unlike her I had this visceral needs to feel desired by both men and women."

"Do you?"

"Yes, I think that as every woman on this planet I like to feel that people are attracted to me, it flatters my ego and my femininity but at the end of the day the only person I put make up on and wear sexy lingerie for is Jane."

"How do you respond when someone compliments you on your physical appearance?"

"I'm flattered and...I compliment back but flirting doesn't prove intend to cheat."Maura frowned seeing where the Doctor was going with her questions.

"I know, I know, do you react differently when Jane is around when someone is openly flirting with you?"

"Yes, I always make sure to send her a special look to reassure her that even if I flirt with people sometimes I love and belong to her only. Actually I think that what keeps her from physically hurting men who try to seduce me is knowing that she's the one I come home with and that she's the only one who's allowed to touch me and make love to me, it boots her ego and pride you know."

"I understand she trusts you knowing that you're completely devoted to her and only her but was she ever scared that you might not stay faithful to her?"

"Yes, even if she trusted me she was always scared that I might find someone from my own social background or someone smarter or that I might feel compelled to go back to men."

"Does she thinks she's not good enough for you?"

"Yes, but it's the opposite I'm the one who's not worthy of her love and clearly not of her trust. She's the most faithful, loyal, caring, gentle person I ever met in my life, she just makes me feel safe, physically and emotionally."

"Do you feel uncomfortable feeling so loved and cared for?"

"Yes. I...I was neglected by my parents as a child and never had a real friend so being with Jane, even when we were only friends has always been more than unsettling. I spent my entire life feeling unworthy of people's love and attention so maybe I sabotaged my relationship with her because I can't understand why she loves me so much and because I always knew I would end up hurting her anyway..."Finally verbalizing a theory on the reason of her infidelity Maura was unable to hold her tears.

"It's hard to accept people's love when you don't feel you're worth it."Nodding Dr Turner was finally able to pin point why Maura had acted the way she did.

Unlike was Jane seemed to believe she didn't cheat on her out of pride because she enjoyed seducing people so much but to the contrary because she truly felt unworthy of her love and she somehow fell compelled to sabotage their relationship rather than fight to prove herself and to Jane that she was worthy of her love.

What Dr Turner understood during that session that now that they had managed to understand why Maura had acted like that despite not feeling the desire to seek sex elsewhere that she would have to help her love and trust herself more. Actually listening to Maura's talking about being neglected by her parents she knew that the answer to Maura's self loathing would be find in her childhood.

**So guys, I didn't want to turn Maura into a promiscuous cheater but does my explanation makes senses?A bit like Shane in the L word who sabotaged her relationship with Carmen cause she thought she didn't deserve her and cheated with that older woman who was as screwed up as she was and because she thought that's the best she deserved ? **


	8. Self loathing

**Chapter 8 :**

**Self loathing : **

Two days later after spending hours torturing herself trying to figure out if she should go see Jane and tell her about her last therapy session Maura finally decided that even if she hadn't find the solution yet it was important to tell her that she had finally found out why she had cheated on her. Standing in front of Jane's new apartment rehearsing the speech she had spent hours preparing Maura remained lucid and realistic and knew that confessing to Jane the reason of her unforgivable behavior wouldn't make her forgive her or hate her less, but it was a start.

Fixing up her hair, taking a deep breath Maura finally knocked at Jane's door, her heart full of hope.

On the other side of the door Jane Rizzoli was getting ready to go have dinner with Frost who has desperately trying to cheer her up even since he found out Maura and her had break up.

Hearing the door bell Jane took a quick look at her watch and convinced it was her partner coming to pick her up stumbled towards the door trying to put her right shoe on.

"Maura!"Jane mumbled her foot half way in her shoe.

"Jane, you look…beautiful."Wandering her eyes on her ex girlfriend Maura immediately noticed that she was wearing the expensive D&G suit and matching shoes she had given her for her birthday along with the Hugo Boss perfume she had got her for their last valentine's day.

"Thank you. Frost is taking me out tonight and asked me to dress up. Please come in." Opening the door wider allowing Maura to step inside Jane realized that it was the first time she visited her at her new place.

"Thank you, well that's certainly nice of him." Looking around her Maura was amazed by how tidy the place was and by how little decorated it was, no pictures, trophies or personal object, only the strict minimum.

"Yeah, he's been trying to cheer me up ever since I told him we had separated."Jane replied tightening up her right shoe.

"Oh, well he is one of your best friends and I'm sure he is genuinely worried about you."Hearing that Jane had decided to trust Frost and tell him about their separation Maura asked herself why Frost hasn't reached out to her yet, they were friends too after all.

"Hey, don't worry, he's not going to say anything to anyone and don't worry about him blaming you either I sticked to what we decided."

"Good, good, so do you know where he is taking you?"Seeing Jane all dressed up Maura knew that telling Jane about her last therapy session was now out of the question.

"He wants to take me to this Brazilian club, according to him it's usually full of gorgeous women with nice curves and nice moves, you know how much I love dancing."Jane uncomfortably grinned.

"Well…If you don't want to dance I'm sure that watching him dance should be very entertaining not to mention that Brazilian cocktails are particularly tasty. I'm sure you're going to have a good time."Looking down her hands clenched around the handle of her purse Maura was picturing Jane dancing with those women and from what she had observed in one of her trip to Brazil knew that Brazilian dances were particularly sensual if not sexual and was sick just picturing some random woman rubbing herself against Jane.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive and imply that I was going there to flirt or what ever."Jane apologized taking a step forward to reach out for Maura's arm.

Even if they had broke up and clearly didn't owe her any explanations Jane still felt the need to reassure Maura. Somehow she knew that if she wanted to help her she needed to encourage her, to motivate her by showing that things weren't desperate and that she was somehow still hoping that they could save their relationship. She knew her well enough to know that if she pushed her away Maura would just give up on therapy and would probably end up drawing .

"It's alright Jane. We broke up and I have to accept the fact that you might feel the desire to find comfort with someone else or that you might actually want to move on."Rising her head looking Jane straight in the eyes Maura knew that the best she could do was to let Jane process their break up and heal her own way even if it meant finding closure in someone else's arms, that to find her way back to her Jane might need to loose herself with other people first.

"Maura look at me. I don't want to be with another woman okay?Even if I wanted to start over I couldn't. I just can't erase the past 5 years of my life I spent loving you, it's not who I am, so just relax okay?"Jane replied gently stroking Maura's cheek with her thumb.

"I know. Well I see you're almost ready I will see you later." Maura replied taking a step back.

"Wait…You haven't told me why you came to see me."

"I…I made some progress in therapy and I wanted to talk you about it."Knowing Jane would probably cancel her night out with Frost Maura chose to minimize her progress. As eager as she was to finally reveal the reason behind her infidelity Maura realized that Jane had a life and that she couldn't keep on barging in when ever she felt like talking and that it was important that she went out with her friends and try to enjoy herself.

"Oh…was it important?"Biting her bottom lip Jane could see the disappointment in Maura's eyes and already felt guilty for not being able to give her the time and attention she needed.

As hard as it was for Jane to be there for her she knew that Maura was going through an identity crisis and that even if they might never get back together it was important to support her no matter how hard it was for her.

"No, it can wait, have a good night and please do not drink and drive."

"Don't worry. I will come to see you later in the week so we can talk alright?"

"Alright."Smiling as she opened the door Maura couldn't help but thinking that maybe this was a sign, that maybe she needed to continue therapy for a while and make more progress before talking to her.

An hour later Frost and Jane were sitting at a bar cocktails in their hands, listening to good music surrounded by gorgeous women.

"You do know that I didn't bring you here so you could think about her right?"Seeing how preoccupied she looked Frost knew that there was nothing he could do that would help Jane get Maura out of her system.

"I know, I'm sorry, it's just... she came to see me before you came to pick me up and she said she needed to talk to me about something."Jane replied playing with the little umbrella inside her glass.

"Do you know what it was about?"Carefully choosing his words Frost didn't want to intrude because as eager as he was to help his partner he knew how private Jane was.

"Well…she has been seeing a therapist to help her figure things out and it seems she finally made some progress and from the disappointing look on her face when she saw me all dressed up it was probably pretty important."

"Then go."Frost ordered pulling Jane's drink towards him.

"What?No…I told her we would talk about it later this week."

"Alright Jane, you're going to hate me for being so direct but I have watched you being miserable since the two of you "separated" and I can not stay silent anymore. I know you don't want to talk about it or even admit it but I'm pretty sure she did something to hurt you but it's obvious to me that you're still in love with her and that you're still hoping that the two of you can work through it. I know the kind of woman Maura is and I can only imagine how hard it must be for her to go see a therapist but she did it anyway for you, to help her save your relationship I guess. Unfortunately even if it only takes one person to screw up a relationship it takes two to put it back together."

"Frost…"

"No let me finish. I know you have your pride and I can see how hurt you are but the two of you are meant to be together so just put your fucking pride aside and go see her and listen to what she has to say. Please."For the past two weeks Frost had witnessed Jane being miserable, unable to focus on her job and as respectful as he was he couldn't let her drawn deeper in her own pain anymore.

"Yes I love her and I wish I could just hate her but I can't. I see her, listen to her talking about her therapy sessions and I see how hard she's fighting to understand what happened and I just…" Feeling the tears streaming down her cheeks Jane was finally able to confide in someone. After spending two weeks trying to compose herself to stay strong so no one would suspect how hurt she was, she was finally able to talk about her feelings without censoring herself knowing that Frost wouldn't judge her or betray her trust.

"Then let me drive you to her. Come on."Rubbing Jane's back Frost realized how conflicted Jane was : on one hand she was proud and hurt and didn't want to forgive Maura for what ever she put them through and on the other hand she was desperately in love with her and just couldn't move on.

"Thanks. If you tell anyone I was crying I will kill you."Jane joked wiping the tears of her fare with the back of her sleeve.

"I won't."

Half an hour later Jane and Frost were parked in front of Maura's house.

For about 5 minutes Jane sat there looking through the window, unable to get out.

"Come on you can do it Jane!I mean how hard is it to sit down and let her talk?You've been doing that for years, right?"Frost said in an attempt to make his partner smile.

"You're right. Thank you, for everything."Jane replied opening the door.

"Anytime partner, anytime."

Walking towards what used to be her house too Jane was extremely unbalanced. Frost was right : all she needed to do was listen to Maura but deep down she knew it wouldn't be that easy, that Maura would probably need her to react to her confession and she didn't knew if she would be able to.

After another 5 minutes standing in front of the entrance door Jane finally rang the bell, looking behind her seeing that Frost was still parked there, waiting for her to go inside.

Inside her house Maura was sitting in her couch, a book on her lap. After spending the past two hours trying to focus on her reading she had finally given up. A blanket covering her she started to picture Jane talking even dancing with other women. Even if Jane had told her that moving on so fast wasn't who she was Maura knew that at some point Jane might feel compelled to move on and that she needed to find answers and solutions to her self loathing attitude fast or she might loose her for ever.

Hearing the door bell, still deep in her thoughts Maura mechanically stood up and walked towards the door, her book in her hand.

"Jane…What…are you alright?"Opening the door seeing Jane in front of her Maura's heart stopped beating.

"Yeah. May I come in?"Standing straight trying to remain as distant as possible Jane didn't want to give Maura the wrong idea. She was here to listen to her, nothing more.

"Sure, sure, please come in."Opening the door Maura was now completely freaked out : rarely she had seen Jane so serious and was scared that she was here to lash out on her and release her anger.

Walking towards the large couch in the middle of the living room nervously cracking her fingers Jane was trying to remain calm and show no emotions but was truly anxious to finally find out what Maura had to say.

"I'm sorry for barging in like that but Frost insisted that I came to see you so we could talk."Jane said sitting on the right end of the couch.

"Oh, okay, well remind me to thank him." Maura smiled .

"I will. So now that I'm here. Would you mind telling me about that therapy session."Lowering her voice trying to be less aggressive Jane knew that it took a lot of courage to Maura to come see her and talk to her and she owed it to her to listen to her patiently without looking reluctant.

"Alright. Hum…Dr Turner and I talked about the constant need I have to feel attractive, to feel that both men and women desire me. After debating it for most of the session we both agreed like being flirty didn't necessarily prove the intention to cheat. She then asked me if I believed you trusted me when we were together to which I said yes but that I believed you were scared that I might fell in love with someone else because…"

"Because I feel that you could find someone smarter, whom you share more common interests with or someone who could prive you with the kind of life style you're used to." Jane added feeling it was important to help Maura out verbalizing things.

"Exactly and that's when I reply that it was actually the opposite that I was the one who's not good enough for you." Finally saying the words Maura felt liberating, like a heavy weight was finally off her back and heart.

"God Maura, that's ridiculous! You're the smartest, funniest, most caring woman I ever met. When we met I was a wreck and I don't know if I would have made it without you, you saved my life, several times actually. How can you possibly think that you're not good enough for me?"Grabbing Maura's hand looking her straight in the eyes Jane was almost shocked and also surprised that Maura had such a low opinion of herself.

For the most part of their relationship Maura had been the confident one, confident with her feelings, her professional skills, with her sexuality and with what she wanted her life to be. People might think that Jane was the strong and confident one in their relationship, but it was the opposite. It was Maura who gave her the strength to face her feelings, to face people's judgement and who help her feel more comfortable with her sexuality and she would have never imagined that had such a low opinion of herself.

"I don't know Jane. Maybe when you have spent your entire life trying really hard to get attention and recognition from the two people you love the most and all you ever received is neglect and misunderstanding, you start thinking that maybe you're not worth being loved, that no matter how hard you try you will never be good enough to be loved by anyone."Almost chocking, gasping for air as she felt the tears streaming down her tears Maura was finally unleashing the darkest side of her personality, the self hating, self loathing side of her that was killing her from the inside of her soul.

"Oh sweetheart. I know you parents never showed you how much they loved you or how much they cared but it doesn't mean you're not worth it. They are the problem, they are the distant, cold, unloving parents . You deserve better than them because just the fact that despited being neglected you turned out to be the most generous, selfless person I ever met clearly proves that you're better than them."Pulling Maura against her Jane was enraged. Enraged at the Isles for hurting and wounding Maura for life but also at herself for not seeing how deeply their neglect had affected her.

"I'm so sorry Jane. I voluntarily sabotaged our relationship. I always knew that I would end up hurting you and I figured that I might as well do it before we get married so you would break up with me because I was too much of a coward to do it myself and spare you from getting hurt. I'm so sorry Jane…"Bursting in tears in Jane's arms Maura was finally admitting why she had cheated on her.

"I'm here baby, shhhh. Everything is going to be okay I promise. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving you again."Jane whispered kissing Maura's forehead.

Sitting in Maura's couch, holding her tight, comforting her Jane was finally able to see the extend of Maura's self hatred. Feeling her shaking in her arms she understood that her infidelity had nothing to do with being promiscuous but that her self hatred had pushed Maura to sabotage their relationship and she knew that it would take more than two therapy sessions to help her overcome it. As hurt as she was Jane realized that Maura needed help more than she did and as crazy as it was it was up to her to help her love herself enough to feel worthy of being with her.

**So guys, what do you think?I know you all got my point and understood why Maura had sabotaged their relationship but in her confession Maura went a bit further : she tells Jane that she hurt her so Jane would leave her because she knew she was going to hurt her anyway and was to much of a coward to leave her.**

**Do you think Jane will be able to help her love herself more and to accept being loved?DO you think by helping Maura loving herself more she's going to be able to forgive her and trust her again?And how great Frost was on this one? Seriously!**

**PS: I posted a terrific chapter of my story : "First of all I would be the guy" go check it out and drop a review, it's important to me!thanks guys!**


	9. Shared responsability

**Chapter 9 :**

**Shared responsibility :**

For the next hour the two women stayed on the couch, Jane sitting straight up her right arm around Maura's shoulder massaging it gently with her thumb. Maura on the other hand was settled in fetal position, her head resting on Jane's chest, sobbing and playing with the buttons of Jane's shirt.

After spending a long moment crying, almost chocking on her tears Maura had finally seemed to calmed down. Actually she was now so quiet that Jane was convinced she was sleeping and was looking for a way to either escape from her embrace to either leave her to sleep on the couch or carry her to her bedroom without waking her up.

"I'm not asleep."Maura suddenly whispered rising her head feeling that Jane was trying to escape.

"Oh sorry. I wanted to carry you to your bed. How are you feeling?"Jane smiled swiping a strain of hair away from Maura's eyes.

"Empty…" Maura replied shrugging her shoulders.

"Well I think you had a lot of pain that you needed to let out and I'm glad that you trusted me enough to do so. Come on let's get you to bed."Standing up offering her hand to her Jane knew that after finally confessing the extend of the pain her childhood neglect had caused on her Maura was probably exhausted and needed to rest both emotionally and physically.

"I know it might be too much to ask but…"

"Yes I will stay with you, come one."Jane replied dragging Maura towards what used to be their bedroom.

Standing in front of the door Jane stopped for a second to remember the last time she was in that room. It was only a few days ago but at the time she was convinced that she might never step foot in that bedroom again.

"You know we don't have to do that, we can stay in the guest room or even the guest house if you want." Maura offered seeing the hesitation on Jane's face.

"No, it's alright. You know the bed in the guest good isn't firm enough for me." Taking a deep breath as she stepped into their love nest Jane had no idea what she was getting herself into. Coming to see Maura and allowing her to explain her actions was one thing but staying the night was another thing, one she had never planned.

"Alright then. Well thank you for staying with me. It really means a lot." Maura said taking her robe off as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"You're welcome. I didn't want to take a cab all the way to my place anyway." Standing a foot away from Maura looking down at her generous cleavage Jane wanted to run, run so fast that Maura would probably think this was a dream but she didn't, she stood there waiting for Maura to climb in bed.

"You need to take this off."Maura said looking up at Jane as she pulled her shirt from inside her pants.

"What?"Jane mumbled taking a step back.

"I'm sorry, that came out wrong but I spoiled it with my make up so you need to take it off so I can wash it later. "Pulling a fresh pajama from under her pillow handing it to Jane Maura knew that tonight wasn't going to be the night Jane and her reconciled but it was okay. All she wanted was to sleep in her comforting arms and smell her perfume.

"Right right. Give me a minute."

Standing in the middle of Maura's bathroom trying to calm herself down Jane was completely lost. She didn't know what Maura had in mind, if she was going to make a move on her or if she just wanted to sleep in her arms. All Jane could hope for was that Maura knew her well enough to understand that coming clean about the reasons of her infidelity didn't mean she was forgiven and that she wouldn't do something that could ruin the progress they have made so far.

About five minutes later Jane finally joined Maura in her bedroom only to find her in bed the heavy duvet almost covering her up entirely.

"Are you sure you're not going to suffocate under that?"Jane joked climbing next from the left side of the bed.

"Well it is the middle of november and I found myself feeling cold at night without your arms around me warm me up. So I decided to upgrade my bedding to something warmer."

"Well my arms are here for you tonight if you want."Jane shyly offered. As embarrassed as she was to admit it, she hasn't been sleeping well since Maura and her had broken. For the past year and a half they haven't spend more than 5 nights apart when Maura had to go out off town for her job and even one night at the time was excruciating.

"Alright."Maura nodded sliding closer to Jane, resting her head on her chest and her arms across her belly.

"Do you want to talk about what you said earlier?"Kissing the top of her head, her voice slightly deeper Jane didn't how much more Maura could talk about or confess or if she was even willing to do so but she didn't want her to go to sleep with dark thoughts overwhelming her.

"Yes. I'm sorry for blaming my parents for my infidelity. I cheated on you all by myself. No matter how neglected or self loathing I feel because od them it doesn't excuse my behavior."

"No but it certainly can explain it, don't apologize for telling me how you feel, actually I should apologize for not seeing how deep your wounds were."

"You couldn't have known. I have developed a strong armor that up until two weeks ago seemed unbreakable."

"Yes I should have known. I thought I knew you inside and out. I'm sorry, I should have paid more attention instead of letting appearances blind me."

"Don't blame yourself Jane. Nobody sees or even suspects how deeply the neglect has affected me."

"I'm not just anymore Maura. You're my best friend and we were engaged for Christ's sake! I should have never let you drawn that deep. I'm sorry." Holding Maura as tight as she could Jane was finally realizing that she had some responsibility in what had happened.

At first Maura appears to be a bright, vibrant woman but when you scratch a little you discover that she has been almost ignored by her adoptive parents her whole life and that as confident as she appears to be she's actually always looking for approbation and recognition from people around her.

Luckily it didn't take long to Jane to crack the mystery Maura was surrounded herself with but she obviously hasn't scratched deep enough yet and was determined to make up for her mistake.

"I'm sorry Jane. I know we were engaged and that I should have trusted you. I was just scared that knowing how deeply I was wounded you would think that I was broken beyond repair and break up with me."

"You're not broken, you're perfect and I'm going to take care of you now. I promise." Kissing Maura's forehead holding her tight Jane wasn't mad that she didn't trust her enough to confide into her.

For the past two weeks Jane had resented Maura for cheating on her, hating herself for not seeing how unstable and disloyal she truly was. Now that Maura had finally told her about what had lead her to be untruthful and the reasons was she was so unsecured Jane was able to stop blaming her and instead she starting to realize that she had failed her fiancee as much as she had failed her. She had failed to see how deep her parents' neglect had affected her and she had failed to make her trust her enough to confide in her. Yes for the first time in over two weeks Jane was starting to look into herself, to analyze her own mistakes and to take responsibilities in what had happened, determined to help Maura through her recovery, hoping that with love and understanding she would see how perfect she truly was and that she would stop feeling to unworthy of being loved. Thinking about it Jane knew that helping Maura rebuild her self confident wouldn't be easy but she was determined to stay by her side every step of the way knowing that it was the place was she was meant to be for the rest of her life.

**I know guys really short chapter, but I think it was important for Jane to admit her own part of responsibility in what Maura did right?**

**This story is going at the opposite of where I wanted it to go at first!It's exciting!**

**As usual reviews are welcome.**

**I think next chapter is going to contain a lol of fluff…I think both of them need it right?**

**Thanks for the support...**


	10. Back to basics

**Chapter 10 :**

**Back to basics : **

The next morning Jane wake up around 7 am still holding Maura as tight as she could. After spending most of the night sobbing and shaking Maura had finally fallen asleep a few hours ago and now seemed peaceful. Unwilling to wake her up Jane laid there looking up the ceiling thinking about their last conversation.

Over the past few years Maura had slowly opened up about her parents, her education and the neglect she suffered from her entire life. Unfortunately up until now Jane had failed to see how deep this neglect had affected her. Now determined to make up for her mistake Jane quickly realized that even if she would probably be able to make up for the lack of love she experienced during her childhood Maura, in order to heal would have to confront her parents and if not fix their relationship at least tell them how she has been feeling her entire life.

Around 8 O'clock hearing her belly desperately crying for food Jane decided to slowly slipped out of Maura's embrace hoping she wouldn't wake her up.

"Don't forget to lock the door behind you please."Maura mumbled her head deeply buried in her pillow.

"I…I'm not leaving, I was just going to prepare some breakfast." Jane replied sitting on the edge of the bed trying to put her sweater on.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I just thought…"

"You thought what you told me last night completely freaked me out and that I was about to leave without even saying goodbye?" Sitting back in bed rubbing Maura's back trying to make her open her eyes and look at her Jane knew being extremely pride and secretive herself that telling the truth about how she felt must have been hard even painful for Maura and couldn't blame her for thinking she was about to leave like that.

"Yes. I suppose I did. I apologize for assuming that, I know it's not your type." Maura sighed flipping on her back.

"Exactly, I told you I wasn't going anywhere for now and I meant it, so just relax and let me get you something to eat."Jane smiled gently stroking Maura's cheek with the back of her hand.

"For now? Fair enough. I couldn't expect you to come back to me just because I opened up to you. Actually you should leave now, please."Pulling up the covers over her head Maura realized that Jane's interest as genuine as it was didn't mean anything, that she would go back to her apartment eventually leaving her heart broken.

"Don't do this alright? You're smarter than this. You know that even if you told me the truth I'm still hurt and it's going to take me time for me to forgive you and move on, but I'm here for you. I want to help you, so let me."Seeing Maura's pain Jane started to realize that staying and sharing her bed might not have been the smartest thing to do, that it might have confused Maura and lead her to believe this meant that they were getting back together.

"I can't. I can't be here with you and not being able to kiss you or to touch you. I would much rather take care of myself with my therapist's help. I will contact you once I recovered now please go."Under her covers almsot unable to breath Maura was embarrassed and didn't want to have to face Jane after making such a fool of herself.

"Not going to happen, I failed you once and I won't make the same mistake twice, so take your time, I will be waiting for you in the kitchen."Walking towards the kitchen Jane knew that Maura was right, being here with her, talking to her, helping her without being able to truly be with her would be excruciating. She knew that as hurt as she still was refraining the urge to hold her and kiss her would be hard, especially seeing how her hurt she was.

Maura stayed in bed for another thirty minutes, cursing at Jane for being so stubborn. The only good thing with being separated was the she was free to work with her therapist at her own pace without feeling pressured, but having Jane here with her was more than she could handle. She knew that she would probably not be able to refrain from the urge to jump in her arms and beg for forgiveness. Unfortunately she knew that there was no way she could make Jane change her mind.

So after half an hour of debating rather or not she should fight Jane a bit more Maura jumped out of bed, cleaned the dried make up off her face and joined Jane in the kitchen.

"It smells good in here." Maura said forcing herself to smile.

"Well the only thing I was able to prepare was french toast and a fruit salad, you really need to get something shopping done."

"I don't fell like cooking these days so I just order in."Maura replied shrugging her shoulder as she sat at the counter.

"Hasn't my mom been here recently?I know the two of you love to cook together."Sitting next to Maura leaving her plate and cup of coffee in front of her Jane had a feeling that Maura had completely isolated herself since they had broken up.

"No, she calls me almost daily but I always find a way to keep her from coming here. I just don't know what to tell her. I know we agreed on what we should tell people but your mother is…well she has been more of a mother to me over the past 5 years than my own mother has been over the past 35 years. I just can't lie to her."Ever since Maura had met Jane 5 years ago she has always felt part of her family and Angela has been treating her like a daughter since the first time they met. When Jane and her started dating the two women became even closer and Maura was able to experience what having a mother meant and she couldn't bear the thought of having to tell Angela that she broke her daughter's heart.

"Alright, I understand, but you I can't stand the idea of you being away from my mother like that so once you feel ready to talk to her I will be here by your side to tell her the truth."Jane said holding her hand.

"Thank you. Maybe if she sees that you don't hate me and that you're willing to work with me to rebuild our relationship she won't hate me." Maura smiled taking a sip at her coffee.

"My mother would never hate you. Actually I'm pretty sure she's going to understand once you tell her what you told me and she might be able to help you if you want her to of course."

"Maybe..Can we please talk about something else?"

"Sure. So is there anything you would want us to do today?It's mid november so it's pretty cold out there but I'm sure we could find something to do inside."Taking a bite at her toast Jane understood that not inly Maura had to deal with forgiving herself for hurting her but also for disappointing Angela and the trust she had put in her and was praying that Angela would understand and give her a second chance.

"Look Jane, not that I'm not grateful for what you're doing here but what exactly are we doing? I mean you're here, you spent the night in our bed holding me, comforting me and now you're refusing to leave but you still don't feel ready to give me another chance. What are we... friends?"

"We have to start somewhere right?"

"I agree, but I don't know if sending us back 5 years ago is the right thing to do Jane. I mean I spent so many years being your friend, talking to you about my past, allowing you to help me, spending nights sleeping in the same bed, allowing people to make all kinds of assumptions about us and it almost killed me Jane. Having to ignore my feelings all those years because I knew you weren't ready to face your own feelings almost killed me . I know that I deserve your lack of trust and your hesitation but I don't think I can handle being your friend and wait for you to be ready all over again. I think we should just go our separate ways until my therapy is over and I finally come to terms with what happened to me as a child."

"Maura look at me. I'm so sorry for being so scared for so long but…this is not the same. I'm hurt and I'm a bit reluctant to give you another chance , I'll admit it, but I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I have no intention of denying those feelings. I will spend the rest of my life telling you that if that's what you need but I'm convinced that we both need time, that rushing in a relationship too fast would be a mistake. You have a lot of soul searching to do and so do I and I don't want to rush things, you're too important for me to take the risk to screw things up, please try to understand."Holding both of Maura's hand looking at her straight in the eyes Jane cold see the pain in her eyes and the tears at the corner of her beautiful eyes but couldn't help but being convinced that rushing into a relationship without having solve their issues wasn't the proper way to do it.

"I suppose you're right, rushing back into a relationship would be a mistake and I have to admit that being myself has been beneficial so far. It allowed me to work with my therapist without feeling pressured, to go at my own pace you know. I just don't know if I can be your friend again, and resist the urge to…you know."

"I understand. It might be hard at times but you and I are strong and we after all we have been through together I know we can do this. Come on now eat your toast before they get cold."Over the past 5 years Jane and Maura had been through a lot : They had finding out that Patrick Doyle was her biological father and his ennemies threatening Maura's life, they had survived hostages situations and Jane shooting herself and even survived Hoyt several times . Actually considering the hardest thing they even through together was Hoyt holding them captive and almost captives and it actually lead them to face and admit their feelings Jane was convinced that after going through hell together they could get through this.

For the next half hour Maura and Jane ate their breakfast in silence knowing that starting over and being friends would be hard if not excruciating but they both knew it was the only way. On one hand Maura knew Jane wasn't ready to forgive her just yet and was grateful to be close to her again and Jane that as hard this was gonna be knew that Maura needed her and wasn't willing to fail her again.

Right after breakfast Maura took a quick shower, went back into their bedroom, grabbed Jane's dirty suit, threw it in the washing machine and came back with fresh a pair of jeans, a tank top, socks, panties, and bra and handed them to Jane.

"Oh, I thought I took everything last time I was here."Jane replied surprised to see she had actually left some clothes behind.

"I…kept those aside hoping that you might need them at some point. Your suit is in the washing machine , it should be clean in an hour but it might take a while for it to dry because…"

"You can not possibly put a designer suit in at the dryer, I know. I'll go take a shower if you don't mind. Shouldn't take long."Jane smiled ghosting a tender kiss on her cheek before walking towards the bathroom.

Leaving Maura out of breath standing in the middle of the living room Jane walked towards the bathroom, took a quick shower, got dressed and sat down for a few minutes trying to figure out if this was a good idea after all.

"_Is this a good idea?Damn, how am I suppose to be friends with her?She's right being friends for years without being able to kiss or hold her almost killed me too. But am I ready to give her more?No, I just…it's not that I don't trust her I just I feel that until she works out on her self loathing and self confidence issue we can not be a couple or I'm going to spend the rest of my life fearing that she might feel insecure and cheat on me again. Actually I don't think she's ready either. Going to therapy and figuring out why she cheated and having all her insecurities resurfacing like that must have been hard and I'm convinced that being together as a couple again would put too much pressure on her and might lead her to make another mistake. Until she's healed and regains confidence in herself you can not be more than friends. How am I going to rest kissing her, those lips, and those breasts…Come on Rizzoli you resisted for years, it shouldn't be that hard…._"

After putting herself together Jane joined Maura back into the living room and was surprised to find her sitting on the couch, the remote control in her hand.

"Are we watching tv?"Jane asked seeing all the gummy bears and marshmallows packages on the coffee table.

"Yes, I was going through our external hard drive and after considering it I thought that we could watch…"

"Oh please not a romantic comedy please please…"Jane pouted sitting next to her.

"No. I found the perfect compromise between your tastes and mine. We my dear are going to watch… Forrest Gump."Maura proudly stated knowing it was Jane's favorite movie.

"Sweet…"Settling as close to Maura as she possibly could instinctively wrapping her arms around her shoulder knew that watching movies together and spend the afternoon might be what the needed, that chilling out for a while was necessary after having so many heavy and heart breaking conversations.

"Indeed. It's as much as a historical movie as it a romantic affair between this man and the woman he loved since he was a child and it has a reasonable amount of action."Maura smiled shivering a little as she felt Jane's arm around her.

"Well, thank you."

For the rest of the afternoon Jane and Maura stayed home watching movies eating gummy bears and marshmallows. Maura wasn't actually paying too much attention to the movies but was thinking about what happened last night and this morning and couldn't wait to talk her therapist about it. As disappointed as she was she was also full of hope that with Jane's help she would be able to close her wounds hopefully for ever and move on and work on their future. Jane on the other hand was trying to focus on the movies and not on Maura in her arms breathing heavily on her chest.

For the past two weeks the two women had struggled to find away back towards each other and today for the first time they had seemed to have found it. After considering it carefully the two women decided that the best way to rebuild they relationship was actually to go back to where it started hoping that with the Dr Turner's help and thanks to Jane determination and unconditional support their newly found friendship would turn into a committed relationship once again, but this time free of fears, shame or self loathing.

**Alright guys, I know some of you must be disappointed that they're not back together yet. But if you think about it, it doesn't make sense for them to rush into a relationship. Clearly Jane isn't ready to trust her again at least until she solves her issues and Maura isn't ready either and knows that being on a own give her the time and space she needs but as both of them know Maura can't do it without Jane and considering they can't live without each other I think that this is a fair compromise. Going back to where it all started...**

**Next chapter will be a new therapy session, time for Maura to open up about her childhood.**


	11. Wounds

**Chapter 11 :**

**Wounds :**

Later that night after spending the entire day on Maura's couch watching movies and cuddling Jane started to feel it was time for her to go home. Not that she wanted to but she knew that the more she waited to leave the harder it would be and the more tempted she would be to swap Maura off her feet and kiss her. As much as she loved Maura Jane wasn't ready to jump back into a relationship and neither was Maura. Both women knew that Maura had a lot of work to do with her therapist to rebuild her self confidence and to feel strong enough to be in a committed relationship without breaking under the pressure.

"Hey sweetheart, it's getting late, I should get going."Jane whispered kissing the top of Maura's head her arm still around her shoulder.

"No, stay with me."Maura groaned tightening her grip around Jane's waist.

"No really, I'm sure Joe Friday has already started chewing the coussins on my couch. Come on."Trying to stand up trying not to be too brutal Jane really, really to get out off Maura's house because she know she was really close to make the biggest mistake of her life.

"Alright. Good Night, please close the door behind you." Maura replied suddenly bouncing out off the couch turning her back on Jane.

"No Maur' wait. I'm sorry, it's just...it's so hard for me to be here with you without being with you."Jane objected grabbing Maura's arm to keep her from leaving before pulling her against her holding her tight with her arm around her waist.

"I know. I will see you later this week." Closing her eyes breathing Jane's natural sent Maura knew this was for the best, that she wouldn't be able to spend another night in her arms without touching or kissing her.

"Call me when ever you're ready. I love you." Jane muttered kissing Maura's shoulder slowly letting go of her.

"I love you too."Walking towards her bedroom her fists clenched Maura was fighting as hard as she could not to turn around and run back in Jane's arms. Luckily she knew that the best thing to do right now was to take things slow and let Jane set the tone.

The next morning after spending the night dreaming about Jane and the perfect day they shared together Maura went to her weekly therapist appointment determined to have her opinion on yesterday's events.

"Jane and I made some progress."Maura enthusiastically announced looking her therapist straight in the eye.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"Sitting in her usual velvet chair Dr Turner couldn't help but seeing the happiness on Maura's face and was hoping that the two women had actually made progress and that Maura hadn't misunderstood a word Jane might have said or a gesture she could have had.

"Yes. I visited her on saturday to tell her about our conversation. Unfortunately she was about to go out with her partner who has been trying to cheer her up so we decided to talk later in the week. Luckily around 11 she came to our house and told me that she wanted to know what I came to tell her about."

"She went out but was so intrigued that she cancelled her plans?"

"Yes, so we sat on the couch and I told her about the feeling I had that I wasn't good enough for her."

"What did she say?"

"That is was ridiculous, that I was the most incredible woman she had ever met, to which I replied that it was difficult for me to believe that especially since my parents no matter how successful I was in my academic activities or in my career never bothered to even pay attention to me and that I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved."Playing with Jane's engagement ring that was pending around her Maura remembered the first time they had confessed their feelings for each other and feeling complete for the first time of her life, like if Jane's loved had filled up the giant hole in her heart caused by her parents' neglect.

"I see, did she know about the neglect?"

"She knew but she didn't know how much it affected me. Talking about it was extremely painful for me, so painful that I actually confessed cheating on her as a way of sabotaging our relationship because I knew I was going to hurt her anyway but I was too much of a coward to break up with her."Confessing this for the second time Maura felt as sick as the first time. Feeling that she had hurt the only person who ever loved her and care for her because she was scared and lacked confident and because she didn't trust her enough to help hermade her hate herself even more.

"That must have been hard for her to hear."

"It was but she didn't over react, to the contrary she actually spent the night in our bed, holding me telling me that she was sorry for failing to see how my parents' neglect had affected me." Her arms crossed on her chest slightly closing her eyes Maura could almost feel Jane's arms around her and her breath down her neck.

"What happened the next morning?"

"We woke up early and I realized that even if we shared our bed for the first time in over two weeks and even if she promised that she wasn't leaving me again she was still not ready to give me another chance and it hurt." Maura sighed shrugging her shoulders.

"Well you can understand that as much as she loves you and as compelled as she feels to help you trust has been broken and it's going to take much more than honesty from your part to fix it."Dt Turner pointed out trying to emphasize on the fact that Jane was still in love with her and willing to help her while trying to remain realistic determined not to give her false hope. Dr Turner's main goal was to make Maura realize that love and honesty were two important things but that there was so many other things to take under consideration that shouldn't be left aside.

"I know, I know. Actually I think that neither of us are ready to rush into a relationship, so we decided or actually Jane suggested that take things one day at the time and try to be friends again."

"You make it sound like you didn't approve?"

"No I didn't. At first I thought that being friends would send us 5 years ago I started to remember how hard it was to be madly in love with her but unable to touch her or even confess my feelings. Luckily she assured me that this time it would different, that she had no intention of denying her feelings, that she loved me and still wanted to spend the rest of her life with her . Unfortunately she doesn't feel ready and if being with her means limiting our relationship to a friendship then I will accept it."

"Did you agree because you didn't want to loose her for ever or because you actually understand her point?"

"I understand her point perfectly. Obviously I miss her everyday and every night but rushing into a relationship would put unnecessary pressure on my shoulders and I'm scared of making another mistake if I feel pushed you know."

"I understand. So far being by yourself has been beneficial, it allowed you to think and consider your actions feeling that you could take your time. As hard and frustrating starting over might be I think it's the most reasonable thing to do.."

"You know I wish I could just stay away from her and work on my issues with you but I can not be away from her. As determined as I am I can not do this without her."

"I think you're underestimating you Maura."

"No. I know I should be doing this for myself but Jane is my main motivation, getting better to regain her trust is what matters more to me. You know Jane isn't only the love of my life, she's my best friend and to face the biggest challenge of my life I need my best friend's support. I know that being in her arms listening to her comforting me telling me everything is going to be okay without being able to caress her lips is going to be hard if not excruciating but it's I need. I don't expect you to understand my decision but I need you to respect it." As much as she trust Dr Turner Maura was well aware that her arrangement with Jane was unorthodox and that most therapist would find it unwise even unreasonable .

"I see nothing wrong with you being close to Jane, I know that she encourages you and gives you strength. I just don't want you to feel compelled to rush the healing process because you're impatient of re engage in a relationship and we both know that spending time with her might have that effect on both of you. "Feeling the determination in Maura's voice Dr Turner even if she was deeply convinced that staying away from Jane would have been a wiser choice decided not to object to her decision, feeling that therapy alone wouldn't help her to heal, that she needed Jane in her life.

"I know, I realize that healing takes time and that If I don't do this properly I might end up making another mistake and I don't want to. As loving and forgiving as Jane is she won't give me another chance. I want to do this right for her, for us and I'm willing to follow your advice and to take my time to achieve that goal." Lowering her voice as she felt Dr Turner's support Maura knew that she would need someone to slow her down and to make her see that taking her time was the best way to consider therapy and trust her to assume that role.

"Good, so would you like to tell me a bit about your childhood and your parents?"Changing the subject Dr Turner felt it was time to finally talk about Maura's parents. Now that she knew that their neglect had caused her low self esteem and lack of confidence she needed more details to assess the true extend of the neglect so she would understand Maura's feelings more accurately.

"Well I was adopted only a few days after I was born. My father is a professor and my mother came from wealthy family and is also an artist which leads her to travel around the world. I remember growing up watching my parents being so in love hoping I would one day have a mariage as successful as theirs. Unfortunately between their business commitments that lead them to travel around the world, their philanthropic activities and the effort their put in making their marriage work they barely had time for me. "Spinning her engagement ring around her finger with her thumb Maura suddenly felt much less comfortable talking about her parents than she was talking about Jane.

"That must have been hard for you."

"Yes. Don't get me wrong I grew up extremely privileged. I studied in the best schools, travelled around the world but when you're 10 and your parents send you to boarding school in Europe you don't really care about living in luxury, all you want is going back home for Christmas and spend time for your parents."

"Were you able to spend time with your parents during holidays?"

"No, not really. Our family foundation organizes its biggest fund raiser during Christmas holidays so my mother was barely home. When I got old enough to help her organise it I was able to spend more time with her but it wasn't quality time, it was very professional, very cold you know. Not that I'm not grateful for the education I received but I just...I just always wondered why they adopted me only to neglect me afterwards."

"Have you ever confronted your parents about it?"

"No...Now that I'm an adult my mother and I see each other more often, she comes a few times a year and I visit her in New-York as well. We got to museum, to see plays or even shopping. Obviously we don't really talk or share our feelings but it's better than not seeing her for months as a time like when I was little."

"I think you shouldn't settle for less than you deserve Maura. "

"I know, that's what Jane keeps on telling me. You know Jane always complains that her mother is hovering her, she works at the coffee shop downstairs, she puts her nose in our business all the time but at the end of the day when we need to talk about anything, she's right here. I remember when Jane shot herself about two years ago Angela stayed with me holding my hand days and nights for the entire 3 weeks she was in the hospital. My mother on the other hand when I broke both my arms falling off a horse and needed to be operated on didn't even visit me. I remember waking up at the hospital and seeing one of my nannies sitting next to my bed. "Reliving a few of the most painful moment in her life Maura was unable to hold her tears. For many years she tried to forget her feelings and what had happened to her as a child but after cheating on Jane she realized that denying those feelings were actually hurting her more than facing them.

"Where was your mother?"

"She was in Paris at the time. I remember her calling me and telling me she would be home soon but didn't come back for another ten days."Sobbing trying to breath Maura was suddenly overwhelmed with dozens bad memories as this one.

"Do you feel you have found a surrogate family in Jane's family?"Feeling Maura's pain and inability to breath or articulate a proper sentence Dr Turner decided to redirect the conversation towards something much more pleasant.

"Absolutely. Angela and Frankie who's Jane little brother started treated me as family long before Jane and I started dating. Angela she's...she's the mother I always wanted to have, she's warm, involved and I know I can tell her anything. For many years I allowed myself to feel part of Jane's family thinking it would help me heal but I know that I can not ignore the pain my parents caused me for ever, that if I want to be able to start a family of my own with Jane in the future I'm going to have to face them and the pain they caused."

"I'm proud of you Maura. Being willing to face your fears and your parents is a big step. I know you are scared of loosing them but Jane and I will be there to guide you and to help you find the right words to explain your feelings to them."Almost admirative of Maura's strength and determination Dr Turner was now convinced that Jane and her family will indeed play a huge part in her healing process.

"I know. I hope they're going to understand how I have been feeling for so many years and that it's not too late but I also have to accept the fact that I might loose them in the process but I just can not leave like this anymore. I want to be able to shop for my wedding dress with my mother and for my father to walk me down the aisles and feel how much they care about me and how involved they are in this planning this weeding . If they can not accept responsibilities for the way I feel today well...Sergent Korsak will be honored to walk me down the aisles and Jane's mother thrilled to help us plan our wedding."Thinking about it Maura knew that she needed to take the risk to loose her parents for even if she ever wanted to live a healthy life. Luckily for her she knew that she would always be able to count on Jane's family and that no matters what happens with her parents she will never have to be alone anymore.

Feeling safe in the intimacy of Dr Turner's office Maura was finally able to confide in someone other than Jane on how abandoned and miserable being neglected by her parents made her feel. One of the reason that made Maura remained silence all those years was because she didn't want people to judge her knowing that none of them would be able to understand how she could complain about having been raised with such privileges. What most people see when meet Maura is the expensive car, the large house and trust fund and the designer clothes and assume that her life is perfect. Unfortunately behind her"rich girl"'s appearance Maura has been profoundly unhappy most of her life and always envied Jane for being raised in a modest but loving and supporting family. Before meeting Jane Maura never dared to open up about her feelings but she quickly understood that Jane wasn't like every one else, that she saw right through the armure Maura has been wearing for so long that it almost became a second skin. With Jane Maura couldn't lie or hide her feelings and all she needed to do was to talk about her mother with sorrow in her voice for Jane to understand how deeply her mother had hurt her. Now thanks to Dr Turner and Jane's support Maura finally felt ready to face her parents and her feelings knowing she had the support of many people and that no matter how things would end with her parents she would always have a family and that alone made her feel extremely confident and loved.

**So guys I think that this chapter was sad but full of hope as well. I think that Jane should be present during her next session . What do you thinK?**


	12. Jane and the therapist

**Chapter 12 :**

**Jane and the therapist : **

A few days later after considering it carefully Maura decided to visit Jane after work to ask her something really important that would help with her therapy.

During her last session with Dr Turner Maura made it really clear that her main and most important motivation was Jane and that she refused to go through this without her.

At first Dr Turner was convinced that staying away from Jane was the best for Maura and that starting over with without having made progress in therapy first would be a mistake. She was convinced that by remaining close to Jane Maura would feel compelled to speed up the healing process. Luckily for Maura the therapist understood that trying to keep her away from Jane would useless and that if she wanted to help her she needed to accept that Maura needed Jane in her life one way or another. So after considering it Dr Turner decided that if Jane was going to take such a big part in Maura's healing process she needed to meet her so she asked Maura to bing her to their next session.

Standing in front of Jane's door taking deep long breath Maura was hoping that Jane who hated therapists would put her personal feelings aside and accept to join her in therapy.

On the other side of the door Jane was home working late on a double homicide. After she left that sunday evening after spending the entire week end with Maura Jane decided it was better to keep her distance for a little while to allow Maura to breath. She knew that Maura needed time think and consider her offer. As hard at making this offer was for her Jane wasn't ready to jump back in a relationship and she knew that Maura wasn't either. So for the next few days Jane resisted the urge to call or visit Maura focusing on her double murder. Sitting on her couch a beer in one hand and her case file in the other reexamining the witness' statements and physical evident Jane could barely keep her eyes open and was about to give up when she suddenly heard someone knocking at her door.

Dragging her feet towards the door trying to wake herself up by rubbing her face with both hands Jane was praying for it not to be Frankie and one of his "theories".

"Maura…"Opening the door her eyes half closed Jane almost choked on her own saliva when she found herself in front of her ex girlfriend.

"You look terrible, may I come in?" Maura replied seductively batting her eyelashes.

"Hum…It's just that…" Jane mumbled her right arm on the door keeping Maura from coming in.

"Is there something wrong?"Maura replied taking a step forward.

"I think I should leave the two alone." A feminine voice suddenly spoke from a few feet behind Jane.

"Crap."Jane said to herself as she opened the door wider knowing how Maura was going to react to this presence.

"I…didn't know you had company. Please stay. I will leave."Maura mumbled as she saw a young woman standing about ten feet behind Jane.

"No, I insist, It's getting late and we're not making any progress anyway." Detective Reese was a 30 year old attractive woman working for narcotics. Jane and her had worked together several times over the past few years and their paths had crossed two days ago when she found herself chasing a drug dealer who turned out murdered days a couple of days ago. Knowing how well she knew this man and his gang Jane had asked her for her help to solve his murder.

"You're right. I will see you tomorrow." Turning around watching the younger Detective gathering her things as fast as she could Jane didn't know who between the two of them was the most embarrassed.

"Sure. Dr Isles it was nice to see you again."Quickly escaping Jane's apartment sending a polite and respectful smile at Maura Detective Reese had a feeling that Jane wasn't about to have the night of sleep she deserved.

As discrete as Maura and Jane tried to be about their break up the word spread pretty quickly and everyone in the department knew that the two love birds were "taking a pause" from their relationship.

"I'm sorry Jane. I had no idea you had company. I should have called."Maura said turning around one step towards the door trying to hold her tears.

"This is not what you think. We caught a case together and we were just working on it."Grabbing Maura's arm to keep her from leaving Jane felt compelled to explain herself despite the fact that they weren't together anymore and therefore she didn't owe her any explanations.

"With wine on your coffee table?I know you Jane, when you're working late on a case you drink beer, wine is only for casual nights. " Maura replied pointing at the opened bottle of red wine on her coffee table.

"Maura look at me. There is nothing going on between us, so please come in and have a sit, will you?"Pulling her inside almost against her will Jane knew that Maura didn't come to see her at 10 pm for no good reason and was determined not to let her leave until she made her talk.

Following Jane towards the living room Maura realized her mistake and made a mental note to always call before visiting Jane from now on.

"I'm sorry for barging in unannounced and for making a scene, you and I broke up, you're free to spend the night with who ever you want."Maura said sitting straight on Jane's couch both her hands on her lap.

"Oh sweetheart, I was not about to spend the night with her. We were working, see."Jane replied pointing out the pile of crime scene pictures on her coffee table.

"Alright, alright." Maura nodded looking at the bottle of wine half convinced that this night had no romantic aspect.

"So how have things been since last time we saw each other?"

"Dr Turner wants you to come to one of our session , that's why I came to see you tonight." Allowing the words to slip out of her mouth Maura was determined to spend as little time as possible in Jane's presence and wasn't willing to play games.

"Alright. What time is your session?" If there was one thing that was of common knowledge it was Jane profound hatred of therapist. After Doyle tortured her the first time the departement forced her to see one to determined if she was still capable of assuming her function as a Detective. Luckily for her the departement's therapist turned out to be understanding and didn't try to keep her from being who she knew she was born to be. Unfortunately Jane had developed a hatred towards therapist but was still willing to put her pride and feelings aside to help Maura.

"You really want to come?"Suddenly looking at Jane with the biggest smile on her face Maura could barely believe that Jane would accept that easily.

"Of course I don't, you know how much I resent therapist and as unpleasant as the simple thought of having to talk about my deepest feelings with a perfect stranger is, I'm willing to do it for you, to help you, alright?"Jane replied holding Maura's hand.

"Thank you."Grinning at Jane's positive answer Maura's couldn't help but thinking that woman drinking with Jane late at night in her appartement. Unfortunately Maura knew that her jealousy and insecurity regarding Jane's relationship with that other Detective was inappropriate and decided to let it go for now.

The next day around 2 pm Jane found herself in Dr Turner's sofa a few inches from Maura. As nervous and reluctant as she was she knew that Maura needed her here and that she would have to be honest without being hurtful.

"Well, Jane it's nice to finally meet you. Maura told me so much about you." Sitting in her usual velvet chair Dr Turner was carefully analyzing Jane and Maura's behavior towards each other, the way they were sitting, their body language and their interaction with each other.

"Well as much as I hate therapist Maura needs me here so here I am."Uncomfortably sitting back Jane was uncomfortable. She knew that Dr Turner's methods had helped Maura but the idea of exposing herself was scaring her because she knew she still had many repressed feelings Maura didn't know about.

"Do you always do things you're not comfortable with because Maura asks you to?"

"Well...I supposed I do, but it's not like Maura's requests are usually unreasonable or anything. Being here is important for her so as reluctant as I am I made an effort?Isn't it what you're suppose to do when you're a relationship?Make efforts and sacrifices to make sure the person you're with is happy?"

"But you and Maura aren't in a relationship anymore..."

"We're not in a romantic relationship anymore but we're still in a relationship. Maura and I are...we're forever linked, no matter what happened or might happen in the future I will always be there for her."

"Alright. So would you mind telling how your life has been for the past 3 weeks since you broke up with Maura?"

"Boring, routine, empty. I wake up every morning, walk my doge, go to work, stay there as late as I can to avoid having to go home to an empty appartement and when I finally have trouble keeping my eyes open I go home, take a shower, go to sleep. That's pretty much how my life has been since we broke up."

"What do you miss the most about being engaged to Maura?"Dr Turner asked observing Maura quietly sitting next to Jane.

"I miss her. I miss waking up in her arms and coming home to her at night. I miss having her hold me tight when I have nightmares. God I even miss arguing with her about my overwhelming mother but what I miss the most is looking into her eyes and feeling I'm the most important and beautiful person on earth. I miss my only reason to wake up in the morning and to be careful at work so I'd go home in one piece."Jane replied reaching out for Maura's hand.

"Maura, what about you?"

"I...I miss her arms. I miss her strong and comforting arms around me and her warm voice telling me how much she loves me and that everything is going to be okay. I might have an overpriced security system at home the only thing that makes me feel safe is Jane."Squeezing Jane's hand Maura had trouble describing how Jane made her feel, she had trouble putting words on her emotions but knew that Jane knew exactly what she was talking about.

Listening to both their answers Dr Turner could make a more accurate assessment regarding their dynamic. As she suspected Jane was the strong, dominant one that made her feel safe and Maura was the one stimulating Jane, giving her purpose in life, a reason to live and to be the best human possible.

Observing them holding hands feelings they were both holding their tears Dr Turner started to understand the bond the two women shared and that trying to keep them from seeing each other would be a mistake. But what stroke her the most was that despite how hurt the two women were, especially Jane, they still loved each other so much that they were both willing to do anything in their power to find a way back to where they were before.

For the next hour Dr Turner asked various random questions to the couple trying to focus on their happy memories rather than jumping directly into the betrayal. She knew that in order to heal Jane had to keep in mind that Maura loved her and try not erase the good memories they shared. On the other hand she wanted Maura to also remember their good times so she would realize that she had made Jane really happy when they were together and that there was no reason she wouldn't be able to continue to do so in the future.

Yes before making them work on their negatives feelings Dr Turner wanted them to remember how much they loved each other and that if they had managed to survive Hoyt, Doyle or hostage situations they could overcome Maura's infidelity. She wanted them to realize that their love and bond had helped them survive hell and that if they truly believed in each other they would be able to survive this and that their love would eventually come out stronger.

**Alright people, probably the worse chapter I wrote so far. I shouldn't have posted it…..I think I'm at the same point I was a few weeks ago….My muse has abandoned me again not to mentioned I'm fucking depressed and I don't understand why considering I'm leaving my crappy job in two days…**

**I think another break from writing would be the wisest thing to do, at least until I get my mojo back. It might take a couple of days or a couple of weeks I don't know yet, all I know is that you have been so supportive ever since I started writing that you deserve high quality chapter and that I should stop rambling about my problems lol :(**

**PS : Don't worry the jealousy thing isn't over yet.**


	13. Loosing control

**Chapter 13 :**

**Loosing control :**

An hour later after driving in silence Maura and Jane finally arrived at what used to be their house.

"That went better than I expected." Taking a reluctant step into Maura's house Jane didn't know what to think about her first encounter with Dr Turner or what to expect for her future session or if there was gonna be another session.

"What did you expect?"Maura replied tossing her keys on the kitchen counter before walking towards her bedroom.

"I don't know, I thought she would ask me how I felt about what happened you know …"Jane replied following Maura towards the bedroom as well before stopping.

"Well I think that before bringing up the heavy subjects she wanted us to look back at our relationship and remember how happy we made each other in the past and that we overcame so much over the course of the past few years."Maura replied unzipping her dress before folding it and leaving it on her bed .

"Oh I see she was trying to encourage us by showing us what we overcame worse in the past and by showing it was worth it." Jane nodded standing few meters from Maura's bedroom her hands tossed in her pockets .

"Exactly. Would you mind getting me my Yoga pants and top in the laundry room please?"Maura asked looking around her seeing no trace of her comfortable clothes.

"Sure."Nodding as she walked towards the laundry room Jane started to understand Dr Turner's plan but unfortunately she knew that looking at how happy Maura had made her and how their unconditional love helped them overcome many challenges didn't helped at all. Actually it was quite the opposite, it confused her : How could she look at the past and use it to convince herself that their relationship was worth fighting for if Maura hadn't been able to do the same instead of cheating on her?

"Thank you."Maura replied as Jane stepped into the bedroom finding her in her underwear.

"Wow…I'm sorry, I didn't know you were…"Jane mumbled closing her eyes handing the clothes to a very embarrassed Maura.

"Oh Jane, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize." Watching Jane walk away almost knocking herself against the door in the process Maura quickly jumped into her yoga pants and top cursing herself for exposing herself to Jane like that.

"_You need to get out of here right now before this get out off hand…Damn it Jane, why in hell did you follow her inside?You could have just drop her off in front of the house!Now look at what happened!Or better no don't look, God Maura in her underwear…I can I not look or think about it?"_Pacing in the living room her right hand on her forehead Jane wanted to run but her legs wouldn't let her, it was like Maura was somehow pulling her towards her and she couldn't, wouldn't resist. Her brain was telling her to stay away but her heart was trying to make her do otherwise.

"Oh Jane, I'm so sorry. I undressed as I stepped into our bedroom and I realized afterwards that my comfortable Yoga clothes were in the laundry room, I'm sorry for embarrassing you like this."Maura apologized staying at reasonable distance from Jane.

"It's alright, I know the first thing you do when you come home is putting comfortable clothes on, don't worry about it. Anyway I should get going, I promised Morales I'd be back by four o'clock and it's already half past tree." Jane replied giving a quick look at her watch.

"And we wouldn't to make her wait now would we?"Maura replied rolling her eyes unable to believe that after seeing her almost naked all Jane could think about was going back to that woman.

"Maura…Come on don't go there, you know there's nothing going on between us."Taking a step towards her Jane was a bit annoyed that she was still feeling unsecured but knew that confronting her wasn't the best way to help her rebuild her self confidence.

"I know, I apologize for causing a scene, I should work on controlling my emotions better. It won't happen again."Maura replied taking a deep breath as she closed her eyes .

"No Maura, I don't want you to control your emotions, I want you to tell me how you feel rather than keeping everything inside. Look where you being in control of your emotions got us?"

"I'm sorry, I just didn't want to make a fool of myself by making irrational assumptions regarding your relationship with Detective Morales."Maura replied her head down looking at her feet.

"But...I want you make a fool of yourself. I mean I wish you would stop allowing that big brain of yours and your good manners dictate your behavior. What I need is you to be you, to be the passionate, spontaneous, possessive woman I fell in love with, please."Looking back at Maura's infidelity Jane realized that nothing would have happened if Maura would have just told her about her insecurities, if she hadn't tried to be the well educated, emotionless woman her parents raised her to be and she wasn't willing to let Maura's incapacity to loose control get the best of her this time.

Jane was right, Maura had been raised to be polite, respectful of others and most importantly to remain in control of her emotions and to keep them for herself. Actually being with Jane was probably the most irrational thing Maura ever did. With Jane's help and love Maura had slowly started to come out off her shell and to allow herself to do be more spontaneous and to follow her heart rather than her brain. Unfortunately as comfortable as Maura was confiding in Jane regarding both her biological and adoptive parents there were things she never could bring herself to tell her. Somehow she felt that showing how insecure she was regarding her abilities to make Jane happy would make her weak. Looking back Maura knew that Jane was right, that keeping her feelings inside only destroyed everything they had spent years building and she wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.

"This is how I feel."Without considering it for even a second Maura suddenly rose her head grabbed Jane by her belt, pulled her closer to her and gently gave her a long anticipated kiss, that lasted no more than a couple of seconds but who seemed to have lasted an eternity.

Feeling Maura's lips brushing hers Jane was caught out of guard but didn't push her away. Instead she simply closed her eyes and enjoyed that moment that seemed suspended in time and space. As the two women were kissing for the first time in weeks they suddenly forgot about all those nights sleeping in a cold bed, crying themselves to sleep hoping they could turn back time. For one split second there were sent right back to that first kiss they exchange almost two years ago on Jane's birthday after she had finally killed Hoyt. For one split second everything that had happened over the past few weeks was gone, all the pain, resentment, guilt had disappeared, only to reveal the love that was still so present and so strong between them.

"I..."Slightly opening her eyes, resting her forehead Jane was unable to speak or even think straight, she was the one who asked Maura to be herself but she could have never imagine she would kiss her.

"I know...You're not ready yet, but you're right I can't let my brain and self control dictate my behavior anymore and from now on I won't hold anything from you, I promise." Maura replied kissing Jane's forehead.

"Alright."

A few minutes later Maura escorted Jane to her car knowing she had to go back to work and hopefully close that case that was making her spend time with that Detective Maura now hated with passion.

Laying on her large sofa her right hand across her belly and playing with her engagement ring with her left thumb Maura started to think about her last therapy sessions and how she confided in Dr Turner regarding her parents. Even if Dr Turner didn't suggested it directly Maura knew that to finally be able to have an healthy relationship with Jane she needed to regain her self confidence and to do so confront her parents on their neglect. The truth was that Maura was deeply wounded by the fact that her parents chose to live their busy lives around the world almost forgetting that she even existed. Unfortunately as an adopted child Maura had this visceral fear of being abandoned a second time and therefore never confronted her parents about her feelings unwilling to take the risk of loosing them. Luckily over the past few years Maura had found in Jane and Angela the family she ever dreamed about having and discovered what having a mother who truly cared and who was present meant. As much as she would hate to loose her parents Maura now knew that she could not live with that pain anymore and somehow feeling that she would always have a family if she lose them in the process gave her the strength to finally act on her desire to confront them.

Around 7 pm as she was feeding Bass Maura was surprise to hear someone trying to open the entrance door with a spare key.

"Jane?"Maura said expected her ex girlfriend to open the door.

"No Maura it's only me , I brought dinner."Angela smiled holding a large brown paper bag in her hands.

"Angela...I...I didn't expect you tonight."Looking around for her phone to text Jane Maura was completed panicked because for the past 3 weeks both had been avoiding Angela because they didn't know how to tell her that they had broke up.

"Well I was tired of the two of you avoiding me for the past tree weeks, would you mind tell me what's going on?"For the past tree weeks Angela had called Jane repeatedly asking her to lunch or dinner and after hearing every single lame excuse in the book was determined to get the truth , right here, right now.

"Please have a seat."Maura mumbled pointed to the sofa.

"Alright."Angela nodded seeing the worried look on her daughter in law's face.

Following Angela towards the living room Maura was torn between telling her the truth or stick to the story Jane and her had agreed on. The one thing Maura couldn't do was lying, it made her hyperventilate and the simple thought of lying to the woman she considered like her mother had been haunting her for the past 3 weeks. Unfortunately as unpleasant as she knew lying was gonna be that confessing the truth would be ever worse, that Angela would probably never forgive her for cheating on Jane.

"Well I'm sorry for avoiding you, it's just that the past 3 weeks have been really hard and I needed to be by myself for a while."Sitting on the right side on the sofa looking down at the carpet Maura couldn't bring herself to look at Angela in the eyes.

"So the rumors are true, you and Jane really broke up..." Reaching out for Maura's hand Angela knew that what people had been whispering was true and was determined to get to the bottom of it and support her two daughters as much as she could.

"Yes. Jane and I separated tree weeks ago. I'm so sorry for not telling you, it's just we didn't know how to tell you. You were so excited when we got engaged that we didn't want to disappointed you."

"Oh Maura, neither you or Jane could ever disappoint me. I love you both deeply and I was married for 35 years so I know that every couple has its ups and downs but Jane and you are meant to be together and I'm sure that what ever trouble you are facing at the moment the two of you are gonna be just fine."

"I don't know Angela...I..I made a terrible mistake and I'm not sure Jane will be able to forgive me or trust me again. Oh God Angela I think I lost her for good this time."Bursting into tears as she was finally able to free her conscience by revealing the truth to Angela Maura was once again overwhelmed by a very bad feeling and was scared that as much as Jane loved her and was doing her best to understand and help her things might be over between them.

"Come here sweetheart. I don't know what mistake you've made but Jane loves you, very much and she is not going to let you go without a fight and neither should you."Pulling Maura against her, feeling her shaking in her arms Angela immediately understood what Maura had done but decided not to blame or reject her. She knew that Maura loved Jane and wasn't willing to let her indiscretion ruin her relationship with her. She knew how sincerely Maura loved Jane and that something must have happened to push her to make such a mistake and she was determined to help her to get back on her feet and to reconquer Jane's heart and trust.

Crying in her mother in law's arms Maura was finally able to let go of the guilt and the pain she had been feeling for the past few weeks and to finally talk about what happened. As much as she trusted Dr Turner , she didn't know Jane and there were things that only Angela or someone close to them was able to understand. Unfortunately Maura and Jane had decided to keep things private which unfortunately meant that Maura was basically alone with her guilt and pain. Luckily for her Angela wasn't about to just agree to be kept away like this anymore and she knew that she could count on her to support her despite the terrible pain she had caused to her daughter.

**So guys as I said yesterday in my other story, I'm back!Don't know for how long, can't say I have my mojo back yet either :(**

**Thanks for the encouragements you sent me over the past months it means a lot.**

**Anyway, did you like this chapter? I know it was a bit all over the place but I think Jane is right, Maura needs to loose control of her emotions a bit...Also I realized that they have been separated for 3 weeks and that they still haven't told Angela anything and I figured Maura could use a conversation with her beloved mother in law right?I decided to make this conversation short cause I think that Angela or Maura wouldn't just go on and on for hours and that this conversation needed to be short but sincere, you know?**

**I dunno where this story is going but I think Maura should face her parents and Jane should maybe loose control to and allow herself to get close to Maura again.**

**What do You think?Shall I continue?**


	14. Moving forward

**Chapter 15 :**

**Moving forward :**

At the other side of town Jane was back at the station working with Frost and Morales to close this homicide.

Sitting at her desk re examining every single piece of evidence Jane was obviously not completely focused. All she could think about was the kiss Maura and her had exchanged, about Maura's lips, her hands on her belly.

Looking back at the past 3 weeks Jane couldn't help but hoping that all this was just a bad dream, that she was going to wake up and be happily engaged to Maura.

Unfortunately this wasn't a dream, Maura had cheated on her and they were now living separately.

Biting her bottom lip Jane could almost feel the taste of Maura's tongue on it and was tempted to grab her coat and run in her ex fiancee's arms.

Unfortunately as much as she loved Maura and could see how truly sorry she was Jane knew that they still had a long way to travel to be the couple they used to be, if that was even possible.

Jane knew that Maura was doing everything she could, working hard with her therapist to overcome her insecurities and she knew how truly sorry she was but there was still something that kept her from giving her a second chance but she couldn't pin point what yet.

"Jane?"Frost suddenly said snapping in fingers at her face.

"Yes, I'm here. I'm sorry…"Jane mumbled suddenly brought back to reality .

"No you're not, mind telling me what's going on or do I have to use my best interrogation techniques on you?"

"Maura kissed me earlier today. We were coming back from our therapist session and we argued about her holding her emotions inside and I told her I wanted her to loose control and to tell me how she truly felt and she kissed me."Despite her best efforts to keep their break up private and to keep her feelings for herself Jane had find in Frost a confident who wasn't afraid to shake her up a bit from time to time if needed.

"And that's a bad thing because…."

"Because how in hell am I suppose to resist her?There is a reason I limit my contacts with her, because when I look into her eyes and see all the pain and love of course I want to take her in my arms but it's not that simple Frost, I wish it were but it's not."

"I know Jane. I know how much she hurt you but the pain you feel is proportional to the love you feel for her. I'm not saying you should jump back into a relationship with her or marry her tomorrow, all I'm saying is that she's doing everything she can to win you back and she deserves a chance."

"I know and I'm trying to give it to her, I went to that freaking shrink with her and spilled my guts and I intend to do it again if she needs me to, it's just hard to forget what she did, even if I know why now."

"I know and it's gonna take time for both of you to heal and Im willing to help you guys as much as I can for example by taking this case of your hand."Grabbing the file Jane was holding Frost knew that when her partner was in trouble with Maura she wasn't able to focus completely and there fore was completely useless.

"Nah, I'm fine I just need a cup of coffee and I'm ready to work."

"No, I mean it. Korsak, Morales and I can manage to close this case without you. Go home, spend time with Maura and come back when you're ready, we got your back here, don't worry."

"Alright, thanks partner."Jane sighed. The truth was Jane had threw herself in her work ever since Maura and her had broken up, spending all her time at the station, going home only to shower and change clothes and catch a few hours of sleeps. Unfortunately no matte as hard as she tried there was nothing that seemed to help her keep Maura away from her mind.

"Anytime."

So Jane drove to Maura's house not knowing what she was going to do or say but determined to show her how much she still meant to her.

Approaching the house Jane was surprised to see her mother's car parked in the driveway.

"_Oh crap, what the hell is she doing here?_"Jane said to herself bouncing out off her seat eager to rescue Maura from her overwhelming and curious mother.

Stepping into Maura's house Jane was happily surprised to find the two women casually sitting in the living room talking and laughing.

"Jane…"Comfortably sitting in her couch Maura after confiding in Angela and carefully listening to her wise advice was surprised to see Jane.

"Well I think I should leave you two alone, I'm sure you have a lot to talk about."Angela said giving a warm and maternal hug to Maura.

"Yeah we do. Let me escort you to your car."Walking towards the door with Angela sending a quick look at Maura Jane had no idea what she had told her and how Angela had reacted to the news.

"I'm sorry."Maura whispered as she watched Jane walked away.

"Look, I don't know what exactly happened but if what I suspect is correct you have every reason to be mad at her but Maura loves you and right now she's drowning in guilt so please put your pride and pain aside and help her, please."Angela said as she opened the door of her car not allowing Jane to start the conversation.

"So she told you we broke up."Biting her lower lip Jane was expecting her mother to lecture her on the ups and downs of being in a relationship and strangely was eager to hear her advice.

"Yes, she told me that she did something terribly wrong and that you left her. She didn't tell me what she did exactly but I put the pieces together."

"Well I'm glad she told you, I know having to avoid telling you has been eating her up, you know how much she loves and respects you."

"I know and I'm glad she confided in me."

"So you don't hate her for breaking my heart?"Jane joked a corner smile on her face.

"I was mad at her first but I knew that Maura isn't unfaithful or promiscuous and that there is probably a good reason to explain her behavior and after listening to her carefully I realized I was right. She's really in pain Jane, it's like hurting you unleashed all her demons and insecurities now she's overwhelmed and it's gonna kill her if you don't help her."

"I know Ma, it's hard but I'm doing my best to help her, don't worry about it. Thank you for being here for her. I know she feels alone and that besides her shrink she doesn't talk to anyone." Unlike Jane who was surrounded by Frost, Korsak or even Frankie to cheer her up Maura who wasn't working with them anymore was alone.

When Maura and Jane got engaged they agreed that it was better for every one if she got transferred to avoid defense attorneys to accuse her from being bias because of their relationship. Unfortunately as competent and pleasant was her new team it wasn't the same and Maura could never get off work fast enough to join her friends at home or at the Dirty Rubber.

"You're welcome darling, I'll see you later."Driving away Angela left her two beloved daughters feeling that with time the two women should be alright, that despite all that had happened they still loved each other dearly and that neither of the was willing got give up.

Stepping back into the house Jane was eager to find out what Maura had told her mother but was relieved that after 3 weeks of avoiding telling her the truth was finally out and Maura was finally able to talk to someone who she respected and who could provide her with help her therapist couldn't provide.

"I'm sorry Jane, she came unannounced and ambushed me, I really didn't have a choice."Maura mumbled not knowing if Jane was going to be mad at her for talking to Angela before telling her first.

"Don't worry about it, I know how my mother can be and besides we couldn't keep on avoiding her for ever right?"Jane replied settling next to Maura.

"Yes, your mother can be very persuasive and besides you're right we couldn't keep our break up a secret, she deserved to know what happened."

"She told me you didn't exactly go into details…"Jane said biting her bottom lip as she sat next to Maura knowing that admitting her infidelity to the woman who always treated her as her own daughter was probably as hard as confessing it to her.

"No, I couldn't bring myself to say the actual words but I think she figured it out and to my big surprise instead to pushing me away and blaming me for hurting you she comforted me and gave me advice."

"She loves you like a daughter Maura, you should know that and she might have her flaws but she always stands by her children no matter how bad we screw up."

"I know, anyway I'm surprised to see you here, have you closed your case?"Maura asked hoping that Jane's presence meant that she had indeed closed the case and therefore that Morales was out of the picture for good.

"No, but Frost saw that I was distracted and told me to go home."

"Oh, I'm sorry Jane…"

"It's alright, he was right. I wasn't 100% focused on the investigation and therefore completely useless, don't worry between him, Korsak and Morales I'm sure they should be able to close this case and besides I could really use a few days off."

"Yes, actually I decided to take some personal time as well. I think that being at work unable to focus is something that we can not afford to do, not when lives are at stake."

"I agree."

"I'm sure Morales must be heart broken to see you leave this investigation."

"I don't know. She was actually out to talk to one of her CI when I left. Anyway I was wondering if we could talk…"Jane said taking a deep breath.

"If it's about that kiss, I'm sorry, I crossed a line, we agreed to be friends and my behavior was inappropriate."

"Calm down alright, you didn't do anything wrong. I told you to be more spontaneous and to let your emotions guide you and I'm glad that you did , you just took me by surprise."

"Just like I surprised you when we first kissed…"

"Actually yes, that was probably the best birthday present I ever received…"Smiling Jane suddenly started to remember the first time they kissed. It was about 2 years ago just after she finally killed Hoyt.

"Well, let just say that day was full of surprises, good and bad. I remember being completely shaken by what had happened but trying to keep up appearances during your birthday party. I remember being barely able to stand on my feet and as I was about to collapsed in the middle of your kitchen when you grabbed me from behind and the rest is history."Maura smiled closing her eyes.

_Flash back two years ago : _

_"That was quite a day, wasn't it?"Turning around as she felt Jane's arms around her Maura's legs could barely support her. Only a few hours ago Hoyt had tazed her and had cut her throat and she was now barely able to keep her eyes opened._

_"Yes it was, are you sure you're alright?That was a pretty high voltage he gave you." Her arms strongly snaked around Maura's waist Jane could see how both emotionally and physically tired she was._

_When Hoyt first attacked her Jane and Maura hadn't met yet and when he came after her the second time Maura had stood by her and almost gave her life in that final encounter. _

_"I'm alright, those tazers aren't built to kill but to incapacitate the targets, it's only dangerous if you suffer from cardiac disease, don't worry, I should be fine. Actually It's getting late and I should probably go home. " Maura mumbled feeling dizzy and her head pounding._

_"No, you're staying here tonight and every night after that."Jane replied pulling Maura closer to her._

_"Jane…"Looking straight into Jane's eyes feeling her warm breath on her face Maura immediately understood that the moment she had been waiting for so many years might actually happen._

_"I hope you know I would never allow anyone to hurt you and live long enough to tell the tale."Jane mumbled looking down her the cut on Maura's neck._

_"I know...Oh Jane, I can't live like this anymore."Not allowing Jane to reply or to even think Maura pressing her lips against Jane's brushing them tenderly pressing gently hoping Jane would respond by allowing her access._

_"Me neither."Overwhelmed Jane simply closed her eyes and slowly opened her mouth allowing Maura to gently stoke her tongue massaging it gently allowing their tongues to tangle in a perfectly synced ballet._

"It was probably the worse day of my life but also the best, thanks to you. I remember thinking that you were probably the best kisser I ever met. "Jane smiled stars in her eyes, feeling her heart hammering her chest at the simple thought of that first kiss.

"I thought the same, I remember following you to bed that night hoping that you wouldn't regret kissing me the next morning and that what had happened was real and didn't happened because we were overwhelmed by what had happened."

"I remember waking up the next morning and watching you sleep for a while before realizing that you were actually faking ."

"Yes, I was afraid that once awake you would take everything that had happened back and forced us to go back to be friends in denial of our feelings and I naively thought by not waking up I could make this beautiful dream last longer."

"I know, but as I told you that morning I'm not going anywhere Maura."Jane said suddenly reaching out for her hand.

"Then come home Jane…I know we have a lot to work on and that you still don't trust me but please just come home."

"Maura…I…I don't know if that's a good idea, we both have things to work on and I think that being apart gives us the time and space we need and I moving back would mean that we're back together and I'm not ready for that yet."Removing her hand Jane suddenly realized that coming here was a mistake, that Maura wanted and needed things that she wasn't ready to give her, at least not yet.

"Then let's go on vacations, we could go to our house in the Hamptons, we would have all the time and space we need to talk and work on our relationship and there are enough rooms so you won't have to share a bed with me if you don't want to."Almost begging Jane Maura knew that pushing her was maybe not the wiser thing to do but she couldn't sit here and do nothing while the love of her life was slowly slipping away.

"I don't know Maur'. I could use some fresh air but I don't know if that's a good idea…"

"I promise I will behave myself, that I won't do anything inappropriate. I just want us to go away and talk, please. I just can't do this anymore, it's killing me, please... "Bursting in tears rushing in Jane's arms Maura who had struggled up until now to show Jane she was strong and respectful of her decision to take thing slow and that she could handle being away from her was finally letting her emotion get the best of her.

"Alright, alright. You're right we can't do this anymore. We need to do something more concrete than what we've been doing up until now if we want to save our relationship. Come don't cry, everything is going to be alright. I promise."Rubbing Maura's back feeling her shake in her arms Jane couldn't help but agreeing with Maura. Seeing a therapist was a necessary process but it was long and painful and she knew that if they didn't take things in their own hands and move forward they might never be able ot rebuild their relationship.

As scared as both women were to confront each other and their issues they could not hide behind Dr Turner anymore and knew that a more direct even rough approach might be the best thing to do.

**Alight guys, I know this story is god damn slow but you know I try to remain realistic…I figured that they could really use some time away by themselves to talk without feeling pressured by work or their loved ones …**

**I don't know what's gonna happen on that vacation yet but I'm opened to suggestions!**

**Don't worry things are gonna move faster from now on :)**


	15. Memories

**Chapter 16:**

**Memories : **

The next day after a short flight and a long car ride Jane and Maura finally arrived to their summer house in the Hampton's.

Actually this house had been purchased years ago by Maura's parents as a congratulation gift when she graduated from Medical School with honors.

Maura's choice to invite Jane to that particular place when she could have chosen any other of the properties her parents owned around the world wasn't innocent.

This house held a particular meaning for the two women and Maura was hoping that spending time here with her would lead Jane to remember all the nice memories that linked them to the place. She was hoping that this trip down memory lane would help Jane remember all the important steps that they had taken in that house, in vacations or during get away week ends.

"Well I think it's actually the first time you help me unload the car and the luggage!" Jane smiled following Maura in the long corridor leading to the bedrooms.

"Well it's never too late to change right?"Maura said pausing in front of the master bedroom, their bedroom.

"No it's not but are you gonna stare at that door or open it? Those are rather heavy."Standing a few feet behind Jane was waiting to see if Maura was going to ask her to stay in the master bedroom or the guest room down the hall or if she was going to ask her if they could share the bedroom.

Even if she didn't say anything Jane wasn't born yesterday and she knew that Maura invited her to that particular place hoping that a trip down memory lane would rekindle things between them and she was eager to see what her plan was.

"Yes, I'm sorry. Well the cleaning lady changed the sheets this morning and also opened the windows to get some fresh air in so you should be fine. I will be down the hall unpacking if you need anything."Maura said opening the door inviting Jane in before walking away avoiding eye contact.

"Wait."Jane objected grabbing Maura's wrist.

"Yes?"Turning around feeling her heart hammering her chest Maura was hoping that Jane was going to offer her to share the master bedroom with her.

As determined as she was to use this vacation to win Jane back she knew there were things she could not ask for or impose to her.

"You're not going anywhere. This is OUR bedroom and we're going to share it , unless you don't want us to…"

"Oh Jane…Of course I want to. I just thought that you wouldn't be ready for that."Looking into Jane's eyes Maura could see the hesitation and pain and knew what asking her to share this bedroom was costing Jane and was determined to show her that she made the right choice.

"Well maybe I'm tired of not being ready and of being scared. I mean for the past tree weeks I have been watching you do everything in your power to rebuild our relationship. You go to therapy, you basically do everything I ask you to but you can not do this on your own. If we want to save our relationship we both need to pitch in. I can't promise I won't freak out or take a step back at some point but I'm willing to give this a shot, a real shot."Her arms snaked around Maura's waist Jane was finally taking a step towards her knowing that as determined to make it work Maura could not carry the weight of their reconciliation on her bare shoulders.

"Good, then you can unload our clothes while I go prepare us some dinner."Smiling Maura was finally receiving the sign she had been waiting Jane to send her for weeks, telling her that she wanted this to work and that their relationship was worth fighting for.

"Alright. How about you set the table on the outside?It's so warm it would be a shame not to enjoy it."

"Yes, absolutely. I will see you in a few minutes then."Pausing for a second as she was about to go on her tip toe and kiss Jane on the lips Maura took a step back knowing that it was too soon.

"Alright."

Unpacking their Jane started to remember the last time they were here.

It was about six months ago. Jane and Maura had decided to go away for the week end to celebrate Jane's birthday which was also their first year anniversary.

Jane remembered spending a month trying to find the perfect gift to give Maura, which turned out to be a difficult task considering they never went on a first official date making it hard to find something that would remind them of that day.

Actually thinking about the day they started dating Jane realized that there was nothing about that they wanted to remember except finally admitting their feelings after Hoyt almost killed them.

So after torturing herself trying to fin the perfect gift Jane realized that the most symbolic and sincere present she could give Maura was herself. So that day right before taking their plane Jane went to the fanciest jewelry store and bought the most exquisite engagement ring she could find.

She didn't chose the biggest or most expensive ring because she knew Maura wouldn't want her to, that Maura wasn't the kind of woman to expose her wealth ostensively, that she was rather discrete and classy. So Jane choose a gorgeous but classy ring that she knew she would love.

She remembered them enjoying themselves all day, swimming, sun bathing and having a fantastic dinner on the beach. After that perfect day that Jane spent trying to hide her anxiety the two women went to bed made love for two hours before Jane felt ready to finally popped the question.

_"Wow that was…oh wow…"Maura mumbled trying to catch her breath._

_"Yeah…wow. I think this place just brings the best in us right?"Lying on her left side looking down at her rather out of breath girlfriend lying next to her Jane was strangely relaxed knowing that in the next few minutes she was going to propose._

_"Yes, maybe it's the fresh air or maybe it's knowing that we won't get called on a crime scene but when we have sex in this house you almost make me loose my mind every single time."Slowly calming down wandering her fingers on her still sweating chest Maura could barely articulate a proper sentence. There was something about this place that just ignited their desire and made them bring their wildest fantasies to life._

_"But I do satisfy you when we're home to right?"_

_"Of course you do Jane. You satisfy me emotionally, physically, intellectually and sexually _ _more than any one before. I love you and the past year has been full of surprises, new experiences and I know the rest of our lives are going to be as fulfilling."Maura replied flipping on her side. She knew that Jane had some insecurities regarding her abilities to make her happy. Not only she saw herself as too damaged to make anyone happy or to have a healthy relationship but she was also scared that their differences it their life styles and the way they were raised would make it hard for their relationship to work. Luckily for her after dating for a year Maura felt that Jane now felt more secure and wasn't doubting herself anymore but still needed reassurance from time to time._

_"Funny you should mention the rest of ours lives."Jane said taking a deep breath as she reached out for under her pillow pulling a small blue box._

_"Jane…"Maura muttered her eyes wide opened as she immediately understood what Jane was about to do._

_"Let me do this right."Jane mumbled wrapping a sheet around herself sliding out of bed pulling Maura with her before going down on one knee._

"_Maura, I love you with every single atom of my body. When I say that you brought me back to life I truly mean it because after Hoyt took me the first time I had lost the desire to live. But when we met and became friends I started to rediscover those little things that make life worth fighting for. You might not realize it but all the dinners, sleep overs and the way we always argued at work slowly brought me back from the abyss Hoyt had pushed me in. Being with you, feeling your eyes on me knowing that you looked up to me and saw me as some kind of hero, the fact that you trusted me to protect you from the mob and with your deepest secrets helped me rebuild my self confidence. I never felt stronger than when you're besides me but also more scared. God I was scared for such a long time of being in love with you because I thought that even if I was starting to have the desire to live again I was probably still broken beyond repair and I thought that you deserved better than a nut case like me. When I think about it it's completely insane that it took Hoyt holding a scalpel to your throat for me not only to grow the courage to kill him but also to confront and confess my feelings for you. I don't want to be scared and miss on you and us. So…Doctor Maura Isle, will you make me the happiest Detective on this planet and be my wife?"Looking up at Maura as she opened the blue box Jane's heart was hammering her chest, not because she was afraid to get rejected but because this was probably the most emotional moment of her life, a moment they would tell their children about._

_"Jane…I…Oh boy. I didn't expect this at all."Trying to catch her breath Maura was caught completely off guard but not for the reasons Jane was about to imagine._

_"Hey sweetheart it's okay. If you're not ready I can wait alright?Just breath."Immediately climbing back in bed with Maura Jane's pride was hurt, she didn't except Maura to react like that at all._

_"No Jane. Of course I want to marry you it's just…Give me a second." Maura replied turning around reaching out for her night table's drawer pulling out a small blue box._

_"Sure."Jane nodded scratching the back of her head._

_"A few weeks ago I realized that we never talked about marriage but I knew that you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me but I thought that your insecurities were keeping you from considering taking that step . That's why I got you this thinking you needed some encouragement."Maura pouted opening the small box she had kept safe for the past 2 weeks._

_"Maura…"Her jaw literally dropping as she laid her eyes on the beautiful diamond ring Maura was holding Jane started smiling at the thought that they actually had the same idea._

_"I _ _love you Jane. God I think I loved you from the moment I first laid my eyes on you. At first I was just drawn to you, to that strength, that charism that make everyone stop talking when you walk into a room. After that we became friends and I discovered for the first time how it felt to have someone who I could be myself without having the fear of being judged. I also discovered what it felt like to have a real family and after being barely acknowledge by my own parents for so many I finally know what it feels like to belong. I don't want to be scared anymore Jane, so yes I will marry you."Tears running down her cheeks as she struggled to put the ring on Jane's finger without shaking Maura finally felt that after struggling for years she finally belonged to someone and that she finally knew who she was._

"You're alright?Jane?"Maura suddenly spoke bringing Jane back to reality.

"Yeah, I was just…"Turning her back to Maura Jane quickly whipped a tear of a face with the back of her sleeve.

"Remembering the last time we were here?"Maura replied wrapping her arms around Jane feeling that her plan was starting to work.

" and I are so different and God knows we argued at work but when it came to our relationship we were always one the same page, actually on that night we were on the exact same word."Jane replied sightly leaning back holding Maura's hands.

"Yes, our relationship has always been very symbiotic and it will be again soon. I promise. Come on let's get some dinner, I'm starving."Dragging Jane out of the bedroom Maura knew that Rome hasn't been built in a day and that it would take them time to go back the way they used to be but seeing how overwhelmed Jane was being here she knew that she still loved her and still wanted to marry her.

"God that fresh air feels good!" Jane let out as they stepped out on the terrace feeling this pure air filling up her lungs.

"I know right?I remember my dad handing me the keys the day I graduated from Medical School telling me that if I wanted to be a medical examiner and spend my days with dead people I would need some place like this one to get some fresh air."Maura replied taking a seat at the table she had previously set .

"He was right. Actually if it wasn't so far from Boston I would love to come here every week end."There was something special this place that allowed them to feel free to be themselves and truly enjoy themselves without being scared of being called on the job. Something that made this place almost magical and made them feel like if they were on a desert island.

"I know but the rarest things in life are the one that we end up appreciating most right?"

"Yes, if we came here every week end this place would probably loose of its magic. Anyway do we have any plans while we're here?"Jane asked taking a bite at the delicious pizza they had bought on their way to the house.

"Well I have been thinking and I think I should visit my parents in New-York. I know they're there for a few days before flying to europe next week."The truth was that Maura was determined not only to bring her relationship with Jane back to life but was also hoping to finally confront her parents to finally be able to move on.

"Oh, are you ready to confront them?"

"Yes I am. Dr Turner and I talked about it and we agree that if I want to be able to live my life the way I want and have a healthy relation with you I need to free myself from that power my parents have over me. I need to be able to start doing things for myself regardless of what they think about my choices, without seeking their blessing or approval or without waiting for them to tell me they love me and that they're proud of me. And to free myself I need to confront them."

"I think she's right. Of course every child wants his parents' approval but you can't let it dictate your life. Do you think that confronting them is going to open their eyes and that they might change?"

"I don't know. I certainly hope so and that we can finally have a normal relationship but I know there is a chance that they actually get extremely offended by what I have to say and decide to cut me out off their lives."

"I doubt that they would do that Maura, they might not be the best parents in the world but they love you and they are smart. I'm sure that finally seeing how hurt you have been all your life because of their neglect is going to open their eyes. It might take time but I'm sure they'll come around and realize what they had done and that they're going to try to make up for their mistake. At least I hope so."Holding Maura's hand Jane was praying that her parents would take this as an opportunity to work on their relationship with their daughter, that they wouldn't get offended and chase her out of their life for good.

"I hope so too and the reason why I never confronted them is because I was so scared of loosing them, but I can not live like this anymore. If they decided that my feelings aren't worth their consideration and refuse to confront their own failures as parents well I will still have the best family possible in Boston. It will be their loss not mind."Smiling through grinned teeth Maura was petrified that confronting her parents was going to end up with her loosing them for ever but she was willing to take that risk and was determined not to let her fear of abandonnent dictate her behavior anymore.

"Well no matter what happens I will be there by your side and I will support you alright?"Squeezing Maura's hand gently Jane was amazed by her strength and determination. Despite being scared to death of loosing her parents for ever she was determined to finally confront them so she could free herself from their grip and finally live her life without being so concerned about their approval.

"I know. How about we finish dinner before our pizza gets cold. By the way tomorrow we're going food shopping and we are not eating anymore junk food while we're here!"

"Yes Ma'am."

About an hour later after cleaning up the dishes, taking a quick show the two women found themselves lying in bed Jane on the left side and Maura at the complete opposite, as far as she could possibly be. Looking at the ceiling both women were extremely uncomfortable because it was the first time(apart from that time Jane stayed over after Maura talked to her about the reasons why she cheated) they were sharing a bed since they broke up.

"Well good night Jane, thanks again for agreeing to come here. It means a lot."Maura shyly said before flipping on her right side, turning her back on Jane. As eager as she was to rush into Jane's arms Maura knew that it was too soon.

"You're welcome. I told you I'm here for you and we're gonna get through this together."Without thinking about it Jane flipped on her side as well and quickly slid closer to Maura, snaking her arms around her before gently kissing the back of her neck.

Feeling Jane's breath down her neck and warm arms around her Maura was overwhelmed but also full of confidence. She knew that as long as she had Jane by her side to support her and pick her up if she fell she would be alright. Obviously Maura was petrified by the simple thought of confronting her parents, scared by the repercussion if might have but she knew that she had a family in Boston, that neither Jane, Angela or Frankie or her team members would ever judge her and that they would be there for her if her parents decided to cut her out of their life. A few ago when Maura moved back to Boston after years in New York she was hoping for a new start and what she was there was beyond her wildest expectations : she had find true love, a mother in law that supported her and colleagues that respected her and never mocked her for her unconventional methods. Yes feeling Jane pulling her against her Maura knew that no matter what would happens the next day she would always have a family to go back to in Boston and it was all that mattered.

**Alright guys, so how did you find this chapter?Things are moving towards the right direction...slowly but they're getting there .**

**I hope you enjoyed the flash back on the last time they were there and they proposed to each other. I think flash backs in this story is important because when you loose someone when he or she dies or because you break up you start remembering the time you spent together you know...**

**Anyway next chapter is probably gonna be heart breaking. I haven't started it yet but I can tell you that Maura is going to break your heart when she confronts her parents.**

**As always ideas are welcome!**


	16. Confrontation

**Chapter 16 :**

**Confrontation : **

The next day Jane woke up around 8 O'clock the sun in her eyes and the wind tickling her face.

Turning her head Jane immediately noticed that Maura wasn't next to her and knew that she was probably gone for a run on the beach.

"Why in hell would she open the curtains and the windows that early?"Jane groaned burying her head under her pillow.

"To make sure that you don't wake up too late and so we can actually enjoy this beautiful day."Maura enthusiastically replied stepping into the bedroom.

"Oh you're here."Coming out off her hiding Jane almost chocked on her saliva when she saw Maura a few feet away from their bed wearing tight running shorts and a very flattering black tank top.

"Yes, I just finished running and I'm about to take a shower how about you get up and prepare us breakfast in the mean time?"Maura asked sensually, innocently whipping the sweat of her chest with a towel.

"Yes, sure."Sitting up in bed Jane couldn't help but allowing her eyes to roam on Maura's body as she walked towards the bathroom paying particular attention to her firm back side.

Walking towards the bathroom Maura was well aware that Jane was watching her and smiled as she took her tank top off, letting it slowly fall on the floor before slightly turning around making sure Jane was still watching as she innocently closed the door behind her.

"_Arghh that woman is going to have the death of me_."Jane said to herself rolling her eyes as she forced herself to get out off bed and drag herself to the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later Maura was finally joining Jane in the kitchen wearing a long white dress and beige sandals.

"Wow, you look …gorgeous."Jane said rising her head off her news papers.

Even after knowing Maura for over 5 years she still had this ability to take her breath away every single day, no matter what she was wearing how her hair was done.

"Thank you. I feel much better now. There is nothing comparable to running feeling the wind on your face and taking a long shower afterwards."

"If you say so, I believe you. So if you woke me up that early I suppose you have plans for us right?"Taking a sip at her coffee Jane knew of Maura's intention to confront her parents but didn't know if she was ready just yet.

"Well I know it's a two hours drive or actually probably closer to two and half hours at that time of day but I would really like to drive to the city and talk to my parents."

"Alright we can leave right after breakfast and should be there for lunch." Smiling at Maura Jane couldn't help but admiring her determination and courage.

"Thank you. I really need to talk to them and put this behind me so we can spend the rest of our vacation focusing on us and our future."

"I agree, I think that is exactly what we should do. Have you prepared something or are you just gonna listen to your heart and speak truthfully?"

"No I haven't rehearsed any speech. I know that I will probably so nervous that I won't' be able to remember it and end up unable to say a word. So I think it's better if I'm spontaneous and listen to my heart."

"Absolutely and don't worry, no matter what happens or how they react I will be right here with you, alright?"Her hand covering Maura's hand Jane was admirative and eager to see how things were gonna play out but was also nervous because she knew that after confronting her parent Maura would feel more confident than ever and would probably try to accelerate things between them. Despite being scared of taking things further towards reconciliation Jane was inspired by Maura's who despite being scared to death to loose her parents was determined to live up to Maura's courage.

"Yes and to be honest I don't think I would have the strength to confront them without you by my side."Maura replied forcing herself to smile.

"Yes you would, you're the strongest person I know. Now let's finish breakfast so we can hit the right soon."

Around 1pm that same day the two ladies finally arrived in Manhattan and parked in front of Maura's parents' luxurious building.

Walking towards the elevator politely greeting the concierge Maura was holding Jane's hand as hard as she could. Putting all those hours of yoga to good use she was trying to control her breathing and to stop worrying about her parents' reaction. She knew that she needed to do this, for the sake of her relationship with Jane but more importantly for herself, she couldn't live like this anymore.

Pressing the button to the 5th floor Jane could feel Maura's hand shaking.

"Calm down alright?No matter what happens in there I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Jane said her hands on both sides of Maura's hips.

"I...I..Oh Jane, I'm hyperventilating...Oh God..."Maura mumbled barely able to articulate a proper sentence.

"I love you and I believe in you."Jane muttered before pressing her lips against Maura's gently pining her against the wall.

Hearing the elevator's doors opening a few seconds later the women broke the kiss, not knowing what to say or think about that kiss, the first Jane gave Maura since they broke up.

"Alright, let's do this."Grabbing Jane's hand boosted by Jane's sudden display of affection Maura was suddenly filled up with courage and strength, that was the effect a simple kiss from Jane had on her.

"On your six boss." Walking towards the appartement Jane felt Maura's finger relaxing slowly and her pulse slowing down.

Knocking on the door twice standing straight Maura was confident, convinced that nothing bad could happen as long as she was sincere and as long as Jane was by her side.

"Maura, darling what a pleasant surprise!"Constances Isles said as she opened the door visibly shocked to see her daughter in front of her.

"Mother, it's very nice to see you too, you look radiant."Maura said opening her arms to her mother letting go of Jane's hand in the process.

Holding her mother in her arms Maura couldn't help but thinking that this might be the last time the two of them would hold each other or maybe speak to each other and she was determined to enjoy it fully.

"Two weeks in Saint Barth will do that to you. Jane, very nice to see you."Constance overwhelmed by Maura's sudden display of affection.

"It's very nice to see you too Ma'am, Maura why don't you let your mom breath for a second."Jane grinned shaking Constance hand.

"Yes mother, I'm sorry, is dad here?"Maura apologized.

"Of course darling I'm here, what a pleasant surprise!"Maura's dad suddenly spoke a few feet away.

"Daddy."Rushing into her father's hand Maura was like a teenager who hadn't seen her parents all summer and was craving for some paternal affection.

"I'm glad that you're here, your mother and I were just discussing your marriage. Jane, nice to see you too."Holding his little girl in her strong arms Mr Isles couldn't help but thinking that there was something wrong, that Maura wouldn't have travelled all the way from Boston unannounced for no reason.

"Should we move to the living room?I will ask Sonya to make us some coffee."Constance said inviting Maura, Jane and her husband to follow her.

"Yes, after driving for almost tree hours I could use a cup of coffee." Jane smiled grabbing Maura's hand.

"Well, you should have called, we would have send someone. Actually what brings you here, if I may ask?Is everything alright?"Sitting on his usual large chair next to the fire place Mr Isles was determined to get the truth out of his daughter regarding their impromptu visit.

"Actually Jane and I decided to take some vacations at our beach house and we thought it would be nice to visit you. I'm sorry for coming unannounced, you must have plans for the afternoon."Sitting as close to Jane as she closed unable to let go of her hand Maura was once again so nervous that she could barely speak or talk.

"Actually your mother had nothing in particular planned this afternoon, and besides Jane and you don't need an invitation to come visit us, you should know that. What I'm wondering though is why are you so serious , oh lord, are you pregnant?"Sitting on the arm of the chair her husband was sitting in Constance Isles could read on her daughter's face that there was something wrong and was also determined to make her tell what it was that was bothering her so much.

"No, no Jane and I aren't expecting yet."Maura replied shaking her head in confusion.

"Oh, well what is it that you would travel all the way from Boston?"Mr Isles asked holding his wife hand the same way Jane was holding Maura's to support her knowing that the news they were about to receive wouldn't please them.

"First of all I wanted to tell you that I loved you both very much and that I was grateful that you adopted me. I realize that growing up being an Isles gave me multiple advantages that most people can only dream off."Maura said taking a deep breath as she looked at Jane for support.

"See I told you she's taking Jane's name!"Mr Isles replied poking his wife trying to smooth things up a bit.

"Yes dad, when Jane and I get married I have every intention of taking her last name but this is not what I came here to talk to you about. Though I'm grateful for the way I was raised and the things I got to experience like being sent to the best schools or traveling around the world, I just can't help but thinking that a child needs more than financial or material comfort to grow up to be a healthy adult."Maura said looking parents straight in the eyes, squeezing Jane's hand slightly.

"What are you trying to say?"Constance asked narrowing her eyes brows.

"I'm saying that I wish you would have been more present for me. I know that you both had busy lives and a lot of commitments but I'm your daughter and I wished that you would have made me your priority."Finally unleashing those words Maura suddenly felt much lighter like a huge weight was taken off her shoulders.

"I'm sorry you feel that way but look at the accomplished woman you grew up to be. I think your mother and I indeed raised you perfectly."

"With all due respect dad my nannies raised me, I raised myself, you didn't. God, I spent my entire life doing everything I could to get your attention, your approval, to hear you say that you were proud of me. I thought that if I was the perfect daughter who had the best grades or could play Mozart perfectly and who never caused you any trouble you would maybe love me or at least acknowledge me. Unfortunately no matter how successful I was at school or despite my professional accomplishments or even my philanthropic work in Africa nothing I ever accomplished seemed to be enough to get your attention. I have felt invisible my entire life, well until I met Jane and wanted you to know that I am done running for your approval or for you to even acknowledge me. I love you but If I want to be the wife Jane deserves and the mother I'm hoping to be someday I need to stop torturing myself over your approval."Looking in her parents' eyes Maura could see that they were shocked, hurt even and knew that they weren't even aware of their neglect which made things even worse. Luckily for her Maura after finally confronting her parents was now free, free to live her live as she saw fit with the woman she loved and a family and friends who loved her in Boston and it's all that mattered.

"Oh Maura darling, of course we are proud of you. We may have not been vocal about it as much as we should have but your father and I are extremely proud of the woman you grew up to be and of your professional can ask any of our friends, our favorite subject is and has always been you. "Struggling the tears rushing to her eyes Constance after being confronted by Jane on her failures as a mother was now confronted by her own daughter and knew that she couldn't ignore her pain and cry for help.

"I know, but knowing it and feeling it are two different things."

"Why didn't you say something earlier?"Maura's dad asked clearing her throat.

"Because up until 3 years I thought that my birth parents put me up for adoption me because there was something wrong with me and I thought that by confronting you about my feelings you would cut me out of your life and that I would end up being an orphan, again."Maura mumbled allowing the tears to freely stream now her face.

Sitting quietly next to Maura Jane was again impressed by her courage and how respectful and straight forwards was but also by the fact that her parents seemed to be open to talking.

"What happened tree years ago, if I may ask?"Mr Isles asked fearing that Maura had discovered her true identity.

"I discovered I had a half brother and that my biological father was one of Boston's more feared mob lob."Maura replied rising her head. For the past tree years she had kept this information for herself because despite their failure she considered the Isles as her true and only parents didn't want to have anything with Paddy Doyle.

"You met Patrick?"Constance suddenly said rising of her chair.

"Yes, Colin, I mean his son, my half brother was murdered and Jane and I investigated his death. I found out my affiliation to him and to Doyle at that time. Doyle came to the morgue to say goodbye to him, he later told me the truth. Look, I'm sorry for never telling you the truth but didn't want you to think that knowing who my biological father was going to change anything. You are my parents, he's nothing and trust me or not I would say the same thing if he wasn't a cold blooded killer."

"I hope you will forgive us for not telling you the truth but Patrick made it clear that you must never know the truth about his identity that if we wanted to keep you safe it was the only way. Obviously your mother and I always knew that as curious as you were you would at some point look for him. When you received the offer to become the Chief Medical Examiner we tried to talk to you out of it and to make you stay here in New-York because we knew that at some point you would find yourself with a murder victim linked to him and that the truth would come out. All we ever wanted was to protect you."

"I know this now and I understand why you tried to keep me from moving back to Boston but I at the time I thought that you didn't believe I was smart or competent enough for that high level position so I wanted to become the youngest Chief Medical Examiner the state of Massachusetts ever had to prove you wrong and to make you proud of me but..."Cupping her face with both hands rubbing it vigorously Maura was lost, she didn't know what to say anymore.

"Oh Maura, we are proud of you, more than you could even imagine. Despite us neglecting you as a child you turn out to be the warmest, more caring woman we ever had the pleasure to meet. There is not a single child on earth that could have made us prouder. I'm so sorry."Constance replied kneeling in front of her daughter.

Holding her daughter as tight as she could Constance was finally acknowledging her own mistakes and failures and could see the damaged it had on her daughter. For many years she had kept her distance with her daughter not because she didn't love her but because she was scared of loving her too much. She had spent 35 years convinced that when the day would come for Maura to meet her biological parents her love would never be enough to fight the DNA and Maura's desire to know where she came from. Also for some strange reason she was convinced that by meeting her biological parents Maura would be faced with a choice and wanted to make things easier for her. She was convinced that it would be easier for Maura to jump into that search for her roots if she didn't feel held back by her and her husband. She willingly sacrificed her relationship with her daughter to make sure Maura wouldn't think twice about meeting and embracing a relationship with her biological parents, that keeping her from that opportunity would be like stealing a piece of her identity and she was willing to do everything to keep that from happening. Unfortunately she realized now that it was not what she should have done and was determined to make things right, to explain everything to Maura so she wouldn't feel so miserable and unloved.

Feeling her mother's warm arms around her Maura finally had the acknowledgment she always dreamed about proving that she didn't imagined the neglect, that her wounds were real. Feeling the tears of her mother running down her neck Maura could feel how sincerely sorry she was and was hoping that this acknowledgement was the first step towards finalyl fixing their relationship because as broken and damaged as Maura was she never lost hope that her and her parents would one day finally find each other.

**Alright guys, this was though right?I think that during the next chapter once they both calm down Constance is gonna tell Maura why she neglected her.**

**Don't worry the whole" I wanted to make things easier for you to choose when the day comes to meet your biological parents" is gonna make sense soon. I'm an adopted child and though it might seems weird for those who weren't adopted but trust me every single parent who adopted a child is scared to death that their child will choose their biological parents over them if they ever meet them. It might sound irrational but for most people DNA and the desire to know where you came from is stronger than love...**

**I hope all this make sens but hopefully the next chapter will bring up some clarifications and make things easier to understand for you guys. **


	17. Answers

**Chapter 17 :**

**Answers :**

Sitting a few feet away Maura's dad and Jane remained silent and quiet observing the two women crying, holding each other. Both of them were happy that the two women were finally able to talk and to unleash all those years of frustration and pain.

"Hey sweetie, how about you let your mom breath for a second?"Jane suddenly said rubbing Maura's back.

"Yes, I'm sorry mother, I spoiled your shirt."Maura sobbed whipping her faded make up off her face with her sleeve as she released her mother from her embrace.

"It's alright darling. I think we both needed to express all those feelings we kept inside for so long."Constance replied whipping her tears away as she sat on the coffee table behind her.

"I think so too. It's very unhealthy to keep our emotions inside like this, I propose that from now on we express our feelings instead of burying them."Seeing the emotions in her mother's shaking voice Maura was seeing another side of her, a softer, more compassionate side that she never suspected existed.

"Yes. I would like that very much. Actually I need you to know that your father and I love you very much. I remember spending hours watching you sleep when you were a baby or holding you in my arms, talking to you in french. Your father was against it because he said it was going to confuse you, but I knew he was wrong. I knew you were going to grow up to be a brilliant and accomplished woman and I was right. There is not a day that passes when your father and I aren't proud of you. Every single choice you made from going to medical school or became a medical examiner amazed us. With your intelligence and natural abilities you could have become a surgeon and make a lot of money but that never interested you. You wanted to speak for those who couldn't speak anymore and give them justice. You could have lived off your trust fund but you chose not to and you worked really hard all those years to make a name for yourself and we admire you for that."Holding her daughter's hand Constance was finally saying all those things that she had felt but forbid herself to express all those year.

"Then why were you so distant, I don't understand…"Finally hearing the words she had been chasing all those years and feeling the pride in her mother's voice Maura was still trying to understand her behavior.

"Because…As you know you started to talk very early, at the age of 8 and half months. We always knew you would be early because you were always listening to us moving your lips, trying to imitate us, so we weren't surprised. What we didn't expect is how talkative and curious you would be. From the moment you were able to articulate short sentences you never stop questioning us : Mommy why is the sky blue?Mommy why this? Why that? I always found your natural curiosity adorable and knew that we needed to encourage it by answering your all your questions and trying our best to open your mind to the world. That's why we brought you with us all around the world, took you to plays, museums. Unfortunately we knew that your curiosity would push you to ask questions about your birth parents and to look for them. We knew that we would never be able to keep you from looking for your roots and we didn't want to. We wanted you to be able to find out where you came from. We knew that Patrick wouldn't allow it but we knew nothing would stop you. Actually we knew that there was one thing that could have stopped you and it was us. We knew that if you felt that looking for your origins hurt us you would not pursue that search and we didn't want that. We knew that keeping you from understanding where you came from would have be like amputating you of a part of your identity, that's why we stepped back so that when the day came you wouldn't feel that we were holding you back. We were also scared that you would choose your birth parents over us if you ever meet them. I know it might sound irrational but that the time we thought it was what was best for you. Then you got older and the rift between us was so deep that we weren't able to correct our mistake. I'm so sorry, I wish we had done things differently."

"Oh mother, you should know that meeting my birth parents would have never changed the way I feel about you. I met Patrick Doyle a while ago and trust me it didn't change how I felt about you dad. You are my parents, no matter what DNA says. You know people who meet you never believe that I'm adopted they say that I talk, walk and dress like you, that we're very much alike and it makes me proud. I remember growing wanted to meet my biological parents but wanting to be just like you, classy, educated, talented with a successful marriage. I don't need to meet my biological parents to know who I am. I'm your daughter."

"We know that now sweetheart, we just thought that if you were too attached to us you would hesitate to look for your roots and that it could damage you so we stepped back." Maura's dad said.

"Well stepping back definitely damaged me…"Shaking her head Maura realized that her parents were as hurt as she was by their behavior and that their intentions were sincere but it still hurt, a lot.

"How about you and I fix our make up now? I think you and I need some private time together. Darling you stay with Jane and keep her entertain, will you?"Standing up still holding her daughter's hand Constance had a feeling that Maura had many things to tell her but that she would feel more comfortable without Jane and her father listening.

"Yes, actually Jane and I needed to talk regarding that pre nuptial agreement I wanted her to sign." Maura's dad said taking a step towards his daughter before pulling her in his arms.

"Dad!We talked about this!Jane isn't with me for my money and she will not sign anything."Feeling her dad's strong hand around her Maura was relieved but didn't know how to tell her dad that the wedding was postponed.

"It's alright babe, I will sign what ever he wants, now go with your mom alright?I got this."Winking at her ex fiancee Jane was also very overwhelmed. Coming here she never expected Constance to open up as well, to admit her failures and confess her love.

"Alright. Just scream if you need me."Smiling as she kissed Jane before following her mother to the bathroom Maura felt a bit lighter, like a huge weight had left her shoulders.

"So darling, do you mind telling me what triggered this visit? I mean you must have felt this way for a long time but you choose to express your feelings today."Stepping into the bathroom Constance was determined to make her daughter tell her the truth and for once in her life help her.

"Well…where should I start?A month ago I went to the annual medical examiners' convention here in Manhattan and I did something terrible. I came back home the next day and confessed everything to Jane and she left me."Sitting on her chair next to the bath tub Maura was ashamed to confess her disloyal behavior to her mother.

"Oh darling I'm sorry but she's here today and she seems pretty much in love with you."

"Yes. At first it wasn't easy, she was angry and didn't want to talk to me. She left our house, rented a new apartment close to the station but I knew she still loved me. So I started seeing a therapist three times a week and she helped me understand why I acted that way. It wasn't because I didn't love Jane or missed men but because I was so insecure about my ability to make Jane happy that I somehow sabotaged our relationship by cheating on her . I was so convinced that I was going to hurt her anyway at some point and I wanted to give her a reason to break up with me before we got married."

"Oh darling…I'm so sorry, I realize we contributed to those insecurities but Jane loves you. I mean the way she looks at you and the way she stood up for you that night during my installation, I knew right away."Holding her daughter's hand Constance hated herself for being responsible for Jane and Maura's unhappiness.

"I know she loves me but I never felt good enough for her just like I never felt good enough to be an Isles. My therapist and I worked through those insecurities and we concluded that the only way for me to rebuild my self confidence was to free myself from that need I always had to satisfy you and make you proud. That's why I came here today, to free myself from you. I know it sounds awful but I almost lost Jane mom and I will do anything to win her back and I know that to achieve that I need to stop caring so much about what you think or anyone think for that matter in order to start believing in myself."

"I know darling and I'm so sorry for all the mistakes we have made but if you would let me I would like to correct some of them."Faced with the consequences of her actions Constance was petrified, her neglect had completely destroyed Maura's self esteem and had lead her to make mistakes that may cause her relationship with Jane.

"I would like that very much but first I would like to fix my make up or maybe I should check on Jane…"

"Don't worry about her darling, your Detective can take care of herself. "

"Oh yes she can but you know how dad can be with people trying to steal her daughter away from him…"

"Yes I know. Speaking of which are you too back together and is the wedding still on?If you don't mind me asking."

"To be honest with you mother I don't know. Jane has been extremely supportive, she came with me to therapy and is doing her best to boost myself confidence and she told me multiple times she still loved me and that she wanted this to work but despite understanding the reasons behind my behavior I know she's still hurt."

"That's understandable but every relationships has its ups and downs and it's up to the two of you to learn from what happened to and make your relationship stronger."

"That's what we're trying to. Somehow Jane blames herself for not seeing how damaged I was and made it her personal mission to help me through this and hopefully once I finally recover we will be able to rebuild our relationship."

"I hope so. What you and Jane share is rare, it only happens once in a life time and I would hate to see the two of you miss on it just for one indiscretion."

"I…It was just a kiss mother, I didn't have sex with him but to Jane it was as painful to picture me kissing someone else and being aroused by feeling his hands on me. But as you said she loves and she's trying her best. When I asked her to go to our house she was a bit hesitant at first but I think she knew I wanted to use this opportunity to talk to you so she said yes and she actually kissed me in the elevator. It was the first time since we broke up."

"That's great, she's taking one step towards reconciliation!"

"I was so nervous that think she just wanted to stop me from shaking …"

"Well how about we fix your make up and then look for a nice dress you're going to wear tonight while you take her to a nice restaurant making sure that she's going to spend the night picturing herself taking in off with her teeth."

"Mother!That's…a very good idea but I'm not sure Jane is ready for that yet. We did share our bed last night but …"

"But nothing. She loves you and she's here for you, now it's up to you to push things a little further. The worse that can happens is that she tells you she's not ready yet but at least she will know how determine you are to make things work."

"I think you're right…" Standing up in front the the large mirror Maura realized that her mother was right and that maybe it was time for her to seduce Jane.

**Alright guys, I was expecting a little more feedback on last chapter. I had a feeling this story was interesting you but I guess last chapter was too confusing.**

**I hope this chapter brought some light on Constance's reasons to act like she did. It might sounds a bit twisted but it makes sense to me lol.**


	18. Intimacy

**Chapter 18 :**

**Intimacy :**

About an hour later Maura and her mother finally joined Mr Isles and Jane back in the living room. Her make up fix and after finally confronting her parents Maura felt happy, relieved, light and eager to move forward.

Following her mother's advice Maura was holding a little red dress knowing that Jane wouldn't be able to resist. Despite knowing that pushing Jane too hard wasn't the way to win her back Maura knew that teasing her and seducing her couldn't hurt, that Jane might finally let go and allow herself to just for one night forget her pain.

"Hey you're back. You look beautiful." Jane smiled kissing Maura's cheek tenderly.

"Of course she does, she's my daughter isn't she?"Constance replied winking at Maura.

"Yes, Constance you look wonderful as well."

"Thank you Jane. Here take this with you and go get change in the bathroom." Constance instructed handing the suit Jane had left a few months ago.

"What is it?"Looking through the plastic protected the suits Jane knew exactly what was inside.

"This is the suit you wore at our foundation's benefit a few months ago remember?"Maura explained knowing how much Jane hated fancy suits or dresses.

"Yes I remember and I'm grateful that you didn't force me to wear a dress that night. So are we going someone where?"

"Yes. I was thinking that it would be a waste to have drive 3 hours to come to the city and not make the most of it, right?"

"Let me guess : we're going shopping and than to have dinner in a french restaurant where they serve meals I can't even pronounce?"Jane grinned less than enthusiastic than having to put that suit again but seeing how happy Maura looked she couldn't possibly say no.

"Yes but don't worry I will be happy to translate. "Maura frowned knowing that despite what she was saying Jane enjoyed french food.

"Alright then but can we please have lunch? It's almost 2 pm and I'm starving."Jane pouted resting her head on Maura's shoulders.

Observing them Constance could see how much Jane was still in love with Maura and that she couldn't keep her hands off her and she knew that things were going to be okay, that as long as Maura continued to fight for her Jane couldn't ignore it and someday would bend and allow herself to forgive her.

Later that day after spending the afternoon shopping in the fanciest boutiques in Manhattan Jane and Maura went to dinner in this very intimate and romantic restaurant Constance had recommended.

Exhausted but happy after finally sorting things out with her parents Maura and Jane spent the evening talking about what had happened, surprised that her parents weren't offended and finally admitted their failures and actually took a step towards correcting their mistakes.

Walking down the streets her head on Jane's shoulder looking up at the sky Maura was a bit cold but could feel Jane's warmth. Her mother was right, Jane still desired her and maybe all she needed was some encouragement that would allow her to loose some of that control.

"You're cold, how about we take a cab and go back to your parents' place? It's already half past ten and I don't want to drive all the way to our beach house."Pulling Maura closer to her Jane was also colder than she was willing to admit and eager to climb in bed and have a good night of sleep after such an emotional day.

"Let's walk for a little while longer please, the sky is beautiful."Maura asked biting her bottom lip.

"Alright."Walking down the street holding Maura as tight as she could Jane couldn't help but thinking about the last time Maura was here and what had happened but decided not to let it ruin their wonderful day.

A few minutes later without notifying Jane first Maura suddenly stopped.

"Something wrong?"Jane asked seeing the rather nervous look on Maura's face.

"Turn around and look up please."

"Okay..Oh Maura…" Turning around Jane immediately realized they were in front of the Ritz Carlton and knew what Maura's intentions were.

"I took the liberty to book us a suite. I know what you're going to say, you're not ready that it's too soon and I get it. I understand that your pride was hurt and that moving on is hard and that making love is probably inconceivable. I know sex is something you don't take lightly and that it requires that you trust your partner completely in order to give yourself completely and I know you still don't trust me but I do. I trust you and I love you and tonight I want to give myself to you, so please let me. I'm not asking you anything in return, no commitment, no ring, no promise, just let me give myself to you."Looking up straight in Jane's big brown eyes Maura was willing to completely give herself to Jane without asking anything to here, all she wanted was to show Jane how much she loved her.

"Oh Maura…you're sweet and this isn't about trust or desire cause I'm sure you didn't miss on the fact that I spent the entire night lurking on your breasts it's just…"Looking down her feet Jane was finally faced with what had happened the last time they was sex and after weeks of avoiding talking about it it was time to face what she had done.

"Then what is it?You know you can tell me anything."Cupping Jane's face with her right hand making her look at her in the eyes Maura didn't understand Jane's hesitation. If she trusted and desired her then what was keeping her from going inside that hotel and make love to her all night?

"Do you remember the last time we had sex?"

"Are you referring to the night you barged in and demanded that I explain my behavior and we ended up having sex on the couch?"Closing her eyes Maura could remember that terrible night like if it had happened yesterday. She could remembered the anger, the roughness of Jane's touch and her inability to climax despite her best efforts.

"Yes. We didn't have sex Maura. I had sex with you. I forced myself on you for fuck sake!"Jane let out taking a step back.

"You didn't force yourself on me. I precisely remember opening my pants and guiding your hands between my legs, not to mention that I almost climaxed, trust me Jane, this was consensual."

"Maybe but this is not the way we usually make love, that's why I stopped myself because I couldn't recognize myself."Keeping her distance Jane was still unable to believe how she acted with Maura, she was making herself sick and was unsettled by how understanding her ex fiancee was.

"Stop blaming yourself Jane, you were angry and frustrated and you needed to reclaim ownership over my body and I get it, trust me I do. Now let's go inside and let me show me that my body is yours, only yours."Feeling the disgust and shame on Jane's face and in her voice Maura knew that she wouldn't forgive herself easily and knew that it was up to her to show her that she had nothing to feel guilty about.

So Maura grabbed Jane's hand and literally dragged her to the sumptuous suite she had booked gently gently rubbing her hand with her thumb to try to calm her down.

Stepping into the suite Maura was convinced that this night in the city was exactly what they needed, that away from Boston, they could be themselves.

"This is…gorgeous Maura, really." Stepping into the suite Jane was amazed by how tasty the furniture was and how big the bed was.

"Yes it is. I do prefer the Plaza though, but considering what happened the last time I was there I thought it would have been highly appropriate to bring you there."Maura replied opening her coat as she walked towards the bed.

"Well thank you. Let me help you with this."Helping Maura to take her coat off Jane took a look around and saw that she had requested her favorite flowers, champagne and strawberries and wiped cream.

As Maura suddenly turned around Jane was face with that look, that smile that always made it hard for her to refuse her anything. Standing there her arms snaked around her waist Jane remembered telling Maura that if they wanted this to work they both needed to pitch in. For the past month she had witnessed Maura fight like a tiger to rebuilt her self confidence and to win her trust back. She had over worked herself with therapy and had confronted her parents and Jane knew that she needed to be as courageous as her and take a leap of faith just like Maura did when she confronted her parents. She knew that pushing her away now would destroy the effort she had made so far and Maura's confidence as well. For the first time since they met Jane was scared to trust Maura, to allow her to take the lead but knew that fear would only destroy their relationship.

So without a word Jane pressed a lips against Maura's and kiss her passionately without restrain allowing herself to feel something for the first time since they broke up.

Feeling her passion almost sweeping her off her feet Maura knew that Jane was finally giving in, that she was finally allowing herself to love her again, to expose her heart to her and she was determined to make it worth the effort.

Breaking the kiss as she reached for the zipper of her dress pulling it down before letting it fall on the floor Maura could feel Jane's hand shaking on her hips. Never since they had been dating Maura had felt Jane so hesitant and nervous and was determined without controlling to take the lead and gently show her the way.

"You're...you're beautiful."Swallowing hard roaming her eyes on Maura standing in front of her in her sexy black underwear Jane couldn't help but being aroused at the view of such a perfect body.

"So are you."Maura replied taking off her shoes before starting to undress Jane.

As she was unbuttoning Jane's shirt as slowly as possible to give her the chance to stop her Maura was expecting her to just push her away and storm off the room.

Surprisingly Jane stood still feeling Maura's fingers on her skin as she opened her shirt, dropped it on the floor before reaching out for her belt.

Wandering her fingers on Jane's firm stomach outlining every single rib all Maura wanted was to rip her pants off and throw her on the bed but she knew that she needed to take her time, to gently and slowly seduce Jane until the tension became so hard to handle that she would have no choice but unleashing her passion.

Gently unbuckling Jane's belt before pulling down the zipper Maura started licking her lip picturing herself between Jane's legs.

"I got this, why don't you lay down."Jane said pointing the bed behind them.

Nodding Maura climbed in bed laid on her back and waited for Jane to join her as she had request. She knew that as eager as she was to make love to her and to lead this dance that Jane was more of a "top"kind of woman and that to regain trust in her she would probably need to be in control.

Pulling her pants down before climbing in bed positioning herself on top of Maura Jane was suddenly much more confident, not that she enjoyed Maura being all submissive like that but she was grateful that she trusted her to be more gentle than the last time they had sex.

"I missed that body of yours."A tear in the corner of her eyes Jane could not believe they were here, in New-York together again. A month ago she thought that everything they had spent years building, the trust, the respect, the love was gone for ever, destroyed by Maura's infidelity. Now a month later Maura had managed to regain Jane's trust by being completely honest about what had happened and her feelings and by fighting hard had regained her respect.

"And I missed yours. Now tell me what you want."Looking up at Jane feeling her breathing heavily Maura was gently roaming her fingers on Jane's stomach slowly moving towards her panties Maura was wiling to give herself to her completely, without retrain.

"I want...I want intimacy. I'm sorry I can't have sex with you Maura,not that I don't want to but it's not what I need. What I want is to lay down in bed and kiss you and cuddle all night. I just need to feel the same way I felt that first night we spent together after I killed Hoyt. I just want to feel that connection, to feel that you and I are like the two faces of the same coin, that we're soul mates."Sliding on Maura's side wrapping her side around her Jane realized that sex wasn't what they needed, that what they needed was to feel close to each other again not in the heat of passion but by the warmth of their body pressed against each other.

"You're right. Intimacy, trust, feeling confortable with each other is essential before taking things further and we need to work it those thing before making love. "Maura replied Wrapping her arm around Jane's shoulder.

Laying there roaming her fingers on Jane's back Maura's pride was a bit hurt but she quickly understand that Jane was right, that sex wasn't going to fix them, not if they weren't completely comfortable with each other. Actually she remembered Jane making her wait an entire month before having sex with her because she wanted to get to know her better, as a girlfriend, not as her best friend. She wanted them to discover each other's bodies and desires slowly to make sure their first time was perfect. Now Maura felt that they were starting all over again, rebuilding that connection, that comfort, that trust and even if she wanted to have sex she realized that Jane was giving her far more by laying down in bed than she would have had if they had had sex. She knew that sex was easy that you can have sex with anyone, people you don't love or don't trust, but intimacy is a far more precious gift that could only be given to that special person and Maura was glad that Jane felt she was still that special person.

So that night Jane and Maura didn't have sex, instead they laid down in bed and cuddled, kissing, roaming their fingers on each fingers bodies, exploring every single square inch of their skins. At first they were a little uncomfortable and hesitant but they slowly managed to be more relaxed, more confident. Actually they truly felt they were discovering each other for the first time and somehow were starting to enjoy it : they both knew they needed a clean and fresh start and this was exactly the way to achieve that.

**So...after considering it and to remain realistic I decided that they couldn't have sex. Some reviewers said that it would be rushing things and you were right. I think that by sharing intimacy with Maura Jane is giving her far more than she would have if they had slept together. It's just my opinion but imtimacy to me is harder to give than sex. you can have passionate sex with anyone, people you don't trust, people you don't love, hell even people you hate but intimacy is rare and it's a wonderful gift and I think Maura can appreciate that ::)**

**As always reviews are much appreciate. I was pessimistic when I started writing this but I think I'm doing alright and that this story wasn't the disaster I thought it was gonna be :)**

**PS: I also updated Unconditional Support yesterday, pretty good chapter :)**


	19. Revelations

**Chapter 19 :**

**Revelations :**

The next morning Maura woke up in her underwear with Jane's arms and legs delicately wrapped around her. Watching Jane sleeping she was happy for the first time in weeks. Despite not having sex with Jane Maura felt that they had made progress, huge progress actually and was hoping that they would continue to take new steps towards complete reconciliation.

Laying there in bed Maura was trying to enjoy this moment, gently caressing Jane's cheek with her thumb but couldn't help asking herself what last night meant . Were they back together? Obviously she knew it would take time for Jane to move back into their house and to even consider getting married but she was hoping that Jane hadn't take her " no commitment" offer too seriously and that she wouldn't offer her to have a casual non exclusive relationship. As much as she understood and was willing to accept that Jane kept her own place for a while she didn't want casual, she wanted their relationship back.

"Almost 6 years and you're still incapable of telling when I'm not really asleep."Jane murmured her eyes closed feeling Maura's breath on her face.

"That's what you think."Maura smiled poking Jane before climbing on top of her.

"No it's what I know. So how did you sleep?"Looking up at Maura, wandering her left hand on her back while gently whipping a strain of her face Jane was overwhelmed. For the past few months she had threw herself into her work to avoid coming home to an empty bed and had barely had a proper night of sleep. But for the past two night, in their beach house and now in this sumptuous suite Jane had slept through the night and woke up in Maura's arm which was the best way for her to wake up.

"In your arms, so like a baby."Resting her head on Jane's chest Maura didn't know how to bring up the subject and just wanted to enjoy that moment as long as possible scared of how Jane wanted things to evolve after last night.

" Last night was pretty intense, not as intense as you had hoped but I really enjoyed it."The truth was that Jane was able to feel how excited Maura was while they were cuddling and kissing, she could hear her breathing shortening and when they legs crossed at some point she was able to feel the warmth between Maura's thighs. Actually Jane found herself fairly excited and ws grateful that Maura respected her desire not to have sex despite both of them being aroused.

"To be honest it was more than intense. After weeks of not touching you laying there and feeling your hands on my skin and your tongue in my mouth was overwhelming and I think you were right. Regaining intimacy is far more important than having sex and I'm glad we decided to take things slow. I'm just wondering what it means for us."Biting the inside of her cheek Maura was scared of being rejected but as always in her life she needed things to be clearly defined.

"What do you want it to mean?"

"I..I want us to start dating again. I know you're not ready to move back into our house or to talk about marriage and it's completely fine but I need us back Jane. I don't want a casual non-exclusive relationship. I want us."Rising her head sitting on top of Jane Maura was finally able to clearly express was she wanted without hesitating because she was scared that Jane might think she was too straight forward. If there was something she learned over the past few weeks was that life was too short to live with regrets and to be scared and that she should always go for what she truly wanted.

"Then I guess it means that we're dating again."Sitting up in bed Jane was amazed by Maura's confidence and her ability to express her desires out loud and was relieved that she understood her desire to stay in her own place for the time being.

"Good."Maura smiled pressing her lips against Jane's pushing her backwards on the pillow behind them.

For the next two hours the two women stayed in bed and enjoyed a nice breakfast before taking a shower and leaving their suite their hearts filled up with good memories and hope for the future.

Walking towards the reception holding hands the two women started to dream about the rest of their vacations and of their lives knowing that if they had overcome this they could overcome anything.

"Suite 303, checking out please." Maura said.

"Certainly. Suite 303 for a night plus room service and tax is going to be 1012 Dollars you be paying cash or by credit card?" The receptionist asked handing the receipt to Maura.

"Credit card." Maura replied handing her credit card to the receptionist.

"No, let me pay."Jane objected reaching out for her wallet.

"No Jane, you paid for dinner and besides after what you gave me last night, it's the least I can do."Maura replied typing her pin code in the car reader.

"Alright, alright."Jane replied snaking her arms around her kissing her neck.

A few minutes later Jane and Maura were walking through the lobby towards the exit door trying to figure out how to spend the rest of their day when Maura suddenly heard a voice that literally froze her blood in her veins.

"Maura?"A deep, rough voice said from a distance.

"Jane come on let's go. My mother is probably expecting us for lunch."Ignoring that calling of her name Maura started walking faster almost dragging Jane towards the exit door.

"Didn't you hear someone calling your name?"Jane replied stopping as she slightly turned around trying to locate that distant voice.

"I don't think so, please Jane let's go."Seeing that man she had feared of having to meet again for the past month Maura's heart started to hammer her chest, her mouth was dry and her head was pounding. This could not be happening not after what had happened last night. Everything was perfect again and he was going to ruin it.

"Didn't you heard me?"The man finally said a bit out of breath after literally chasing Maura through the lobby.

"And you are?"Jane replied naturally positioning herself between him and Maura.

"I'm Dr Hayes, Maura what a surprise to see you again here in New-York."Looking at the look on Maura's face he could see the embrassement and shame and his pride still her by Maura's rejection was determined to use it against her as retaliation.

"Pleasure isn't shared. Jane let's go."Maura replied hiding behind Jane as she once again tried to pull her towards the exit door.

"Oh, you're the Jane Rizzoli Maura told me about. Well let me tell you that you have every reason to be jealous and to keep her on a tie leash god knows If I had a woman with those attributes in my bed I would never let her off my sight."Arrogantly passing his hand through his hair he enjoyed seeing the pain he had caused to Maura and to knowing she could not lie to her relationship with Jane as well.

"Oh my God, is this the guy?Are you moron who made a move on her?"Suddenly understanding Maura's discomfort Jane could not believe that he had the nerve to confront her.

"Yes I am and I would love it if we could continue what we started."He replied licking his lips remembering how sweet Maura's lips taste and how firm her ass was.

"You fucking asshole!"Jane hollered pinning him against the wall pressing her forearm on his throat.

"Jane, please he's not worth it. Let's go home."Maura replied trying to pull Jane towards the exit door. Seeing the hatred and anger in Jane's eyes and knowing what she was capable off Maura was scared that might end up hurting him and knowing how arrogant and proud he was she knew he would not hesitate to call the police and this wasn't Boston. This was New-York and she knew what terrible consequences Jane's actions could have if she didn't stop her.

"Yes Jane, please come down. If you want to watch or even participate I certainly won't mind and if you're nervous don't worry I'll give you the same thing I gave to Maura to help her relax."

"What did you just say?You drugged me?"Maura asked taking a step forward towards him.

"I did not do such a thing. You were exhausted and upset because you had an argument with her before leaving and you told me you really need something to help you relax."

"I was talking about wine."Hearing him confess giving her something to help her relax and accept his advances Maura felt violated and even more dirty.

"You gave her GHB?How could you do that?You were planning on raping her you bastard."Throwing him on the floor before jumping on top of him Jane was enraged. She couldn't believe that he actually drugged her.

"I did not do such a thing. I gave her a few drop of a home made disinhibitor just to help her relax and loose control for once in her life. I wasn't going to rape her, trust me she wanted me, I just gave her something to encourage her to unleash her desires."Laying on his back feeling the entire weight of Jane's body on top of him and the intensity of her anger Dr Hayes was suddenly face with the consequences of his actions and started regretting

"I'm gonna kill you."Rising her fist in the air Jane was loosing control, all she wanted was to punch him, to destroy his arrogant face and to punish him for all the pain he had caused but most importantly for abusing Maura.

"Jane, stop, he's not worth is please."Wrapping her arm around Jane's waist pulling her backwards Maura was trying to keep her for making the biggest mistake of her life. Despite wanting to destroy and hurt him as badly as Jane she knew this wasn't the way.

"He drugged you Maura!How can you not want me to kill him?"Feeling Maura pulling her away as hard as she could Jane could not understand how she could not want him dead.

"Because we're above this. He's going to pay for what he did to us but not like this, not when we're not home and you don't have your badge. Let's go home. Please."Both laying on the floor of the lobby feeling all eyes on them Maura and Jane didn't care if they were causing a scene, all they could see was the man who had almost destroyed them.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't hurt you did I?"Kneeling in front of Maura cupping her face with her right hand Jane was suddenly much calmer. Maura was right attacking him here where she wasn't a cop would be a mistake and she wasn't to throw her life in the garbage out of anger or vengence.

"No, I'm fine. I love you."Maura replied helping Jane to stand up.

"Is everything okay?"The security guard said running towards them his weapon in his arms.

"Yes. Doctor Hayes and I had a little disagreement but nothing worth me making a big mistake."Jane replied fixing up her shirt.

"Yes please. This is just a big misunderstanding or maybe you want to tell him why we were arguing and what you confessed to?"Looking him in the eyes Maura was almost defying him to call the police.

"No,that won't be necessary. I was leaving anyway. Ladies have yourself a good day."

"Not so fast. I know I can not prove what you did to me but I'm going to make sure that by tomorrow morning you're out off a job and that no hospital or law enforcement agency in this country will be willing to hire you."Holding Jane's hand Maura despite being completely destroyed by what she had just learned also felt strong knowing she had the means to make him pay.

"You can not do that. I'm one of the top medical examiner in this country." He groaned enraged that a little slut like her could threaten to end his carreer.

"And the Chief Medical Examiner is a personal friend of my family and I'm sure he's going to believe every single word I'm going to tell him not to mention that my family is the biggest contributor of your hospital so I'm sure the chief of staff is also going to be very receptive to what I have to tell him. Jane please let's go I don't have time to waste on him."Maura strongly said pulling Jane towards the door.

"On your six boss."Sending him one last heinous look Jane couldn't help but being proud of Maura, not proud that she was going to use her name and connection to get him fired but because despite being in shock she was able to stand up to him.

Half an hour later Maura and Jane arrived to the Isles' appartement in the upper east side. Luckily Maura's parents were there and Jane and Maura were able to sit down for a while and talk about what happened.

Literally collapsing on the couch as they stepped into the living room Maura bursted into tears at the thought of what might have happened if she had let him inside.

"He...he tried to abuse me Jane. Oh my god, how could I have been so stupid?"Maura mumbled tears streaming down her cheek.

"Shhh, calm down baby, he drugged you. You did not do anything wrong, alright?"Pulling Maura against her Jane was finally able to forgive her completely. She had not cheated her voluntarily, she was drugged and manipulated.

"I felt dizzy and I couldn't remember clearly what had happened when I woke up the next morning but I thought it was the alcohol. I never thought he could have drugged me."Closing her eyes Maura remembered waking up that next morning feeling dizzy unable to remember what had happened, the only thing that she knew was that she hadn't slept with him because she still had her clothes on but it took her several hours to remember the rest which was to this day still fuzzy.

"I know, he probably waited until you went to the bathroom or something to slip the drops in your glass. I'm so sorry babe. I should have known that you would have never acted that way if you weren't drugged. I'm sorry." Rubbing Maura's back Jane felt guilty for not considering for even one second that she could have been drugged.

"I flirted with her during dinner that's why he acted this way. This is all my fault."

"No, it's not. You might have flirted but he drugged you because he felt that without it he would never get you to bed without it. Stop blaming yourself and forgive me for not seeing it. I love you."Kissing Maura's forehead Jane knew that this new information would be hard for Maura to overcome, that she probably felt violated, naive and betrayed. Jane knew that Maura was going to need all her love and support to overcome this, that Maura felt guilty in a new way than she felt before and that it was much more painful than before.

Sitting there feeling her shaking in her arms Jane could not help but feeling like a complete idiot for thinking Maura was nothing but promiscuous and disloyal without even considering that she might have been drugged. She was a cop for fuck sake and she knew Maura better than she knew herself and she should have known that despite being flirty and having this constant need of seducing people around her Maura wasn't the unfaithful type, it just didn't make sense.

Trying to calm her down Jane was somehow relieved that Maura didn't act out of character on her own, that she was encouraged but hated that guy for hurting her so much. They had spent weeks in therapy trying to figure out what had pushed Maura to act like this and trying to improve her self esteem and they had even confronted her parents on their neglect because they thought her insecurities had lead her to cheat, but as it turned out Maura had been drugged probably because he thought he would never get to sleep with him otherwise.

Luckily for both of them Jane knew that the intense therapy wasn't for nothing because even if the facts seemed to indicate that she wouldn't have cheated on her she still flirted with her because of that argument she had. Even if she hadn't cheated without being drugged and encouraged Maura had been carrying tremendous insecurities for many years and they probably would have got the best of her at some point anyway.

Somehow, as terrible as what happened was it had helped Jane and Maura to face and work on their weaknesses and insecurities, and considering how devastated Maura was right now it was the only good side of this all situation.

**Alright guys. First I wanted to thank you all for your reponse to the last chapter. Iw as a bit affraid of how you were going to react but once again you understood my point and I'm glad.**

**Secondly I'm also not sure about this chapter. I know she needed to face him at some point but is the"she was drugged" twist too much?I bet you didn't see it coming and I hope I managed to write it tastefully. I'm not sure you understood any of it though. I'm pretty sure I wasn't clear enough and I hope you don't feel that the whole story was just a waste that they tried to understand Maura's behavior when she only acted like that because she was drugged. Well as I said in the last part Maura always had those insecurities and they would have hurt them at some point if they had not acknowledged them and worked on them, so all this therapy and confronting Maura's parents wasn't for nothing.**

**Please tell me you got me guys. :(**


	20. Moving on

**To DoctorDonna if you see this : you're sweet but there are lots of bad things you could say about my writing. Don't hesitate to point out the typos or grammatical errors. It helps a lot. Also if I'm not realistic or hard to understand you can say so. I'm always listening to you guys to improve my style and plots!**

**Chapter 20:**

**Moving on : **

For the next hour or so Jane and Maura said on the couch holding each other, Jane desperately trying to make Maura stop shaking and sobbing. Gently whispering reassuring words trying to calm her down Jane hated herself for not trusting her and for not considering for even a second that he could have drugged her. She had almost lost her because she didn't trust her and never asked herself in which circumstances she had cheated on her. Now all Jane knew was that she had a lot of making up to do, that she needed to apologize and to make Maura forgive her but also that she was gonna have to stay by her fiancee's side to help her go through this. She knew that Maura felt violated and that it would take a lot of love and patience for her to come back from it and for them to finally move on with their lives.

Around 1 pm as Maura was finally relaxing in Jane's arms Maura's parents came home eager to find out how their night went.

"Maura, darling what happened?"Stepping into the living room her hand fulls of shopping bags Constance immediately saw the dried tears and faded make up on her daughter's face.

"He drugged me mother."Maura mumbled slightly rising her head unable to articulate more.

"Who drugged you darling?"Constance asked sitting on the coffee table.

"The man Maura..kissed during last month's conference. We ran into him at the Carlton this morning and he admitted giving her a few drops of a home made inhibitator to push her to accept his advances."Jane explained clenching her both her fists regretting not giving him the beat up of his life.

"Oh my god. How can he do such a thing?"Looking up at her husband in disbelief Constance was unable to understand how someone could want to hurt her daughter who was the most caring and admirable person she knew.

"He…he saw that was upset because I had argued with Jane the previous night and he took advantage of my distress. I remember now that he started by pushing me to drink red wine and when he saw that I was still insensitive to his charm he drugged me, probably when I went to the bathroom after dessert."Maura explain whipping the remaining tears off her face with her sleeve trying to sit up straight.

"That's why she couldn't help myself and let him kiss and touch her and why she woke up dizzy and disoriented with poor recollection of what had happened. It wasn't because of the alcohol but because of what ever he gave her."

"When I woke up the next morning my head was pounding and I could not remember what had happened. I just had blurry images in my head. It took me hours to put my thought together and to remember that he kissed me and touched me and tried to get into my room. I remembered feeling weak but thought it was the wine, God I don't even know where I found the strength to push him away and to look myself in my room."Cupping her face with both hands things were now much more clearer and she remembered that sensation of being dizzy unable to stand up and hated herself for not seeing that she was drugged, for not understanding earlier that wine wouldn't have had that effect on her.

"Who is this man?"Feeling his blood literrally burning in his veins Mr Isles was determined to punish the man who hurt his little girl even if it was the last thing he did.

"Dr Hayes, he's a ME at Mercy right?"Jane replied looking at Maura for approval.

"Yes."Maura nodded still shaking, disgusted by the thought of his hand on her and his tongue in her mouth.

"Sir you know I would never ask you to use your connections or influence but we can't prove what happened especially since I'm sure he's already got rid of the drug so..."Biting her lower lip Jane was about to do something she always refused herself to do : not only use Maura's parents' connections but also going out of the law to get justice on her own. As much as she believed in justice and fought against personal vendettas and people trying to get justice themselves she couldn't let this bastard walk around freely after what he had done to Maura.

"Do not worried Jane, he's as good as dead, no one hurt my little princess like this. I'm going to take care of it darling. I promise."Sitting next to Maura pulling her in his arms Mr Isles was enraged and was determined to use all the power of his name and connection to make sure the bastard who hurt his daughter was going to pay for his crime.

"Thank you daddy."Feeling her father's warm arms around her feeling his warmth Maura started to feel better knowing that the man who had hard hurt would get punished. She felt like a little girl who had been hurt and whose daddy was going to make it feel all better and after spending her entire life trying to be an adult, to me mature and not to show her weaknesses it felt good to know she could just breath and let him take care of everything.

Later that day Jane and Maura drove back to their beach house in silence both exhausted by what had happened.

"Home sweet home, just go lay down while I pack and we'll be on the first plane tomorrow."Jane said entering their house seeing how in shock Maura still appeared to be.

"Thank you."Walking towards their bedroom barely looking at Jane Maura could not stop replaying that night and could not help but thinking that what happened was her fault, that she had accepted her invitation despite knowing his motivations. The fact that he felt compelled to drug her because she wasn't receptive to his charms didn't make her feel any better. She had agreed to have dinner with him and despite knowing she was drugged when doing so had allowed him to follow her to her suite. Maura was a Doctor and knew what those drugs could do to someone and knew that once ingested the victims were generally barely even able to speak or walk but she could not feel grateful for managing to escape him. All she could focus on was that she had let him drug her, even if it was behind her back because she felt somehow she had encouraged him by accepting to have dinner with him.

As Maura was laying down in bed trying to get some rest Jane was quietly gathering their things also punishing herself for doubting her loyalty and for not suspecting that she had been drugged but also for pushing her in his arms. She knew that Maura had accepted dinner with him because she was upset by that argument they had just before she flew to New-York.

Standing their in the kitchen Jane started to remember that fight and knew that if she had not acted like a jerk before Maura took that plane none of that would have happened, Maura would have not been upset and would have not agreed to go have dinner with him. She realized that her actions and distrust had lead Maura to feel insecure and therefore making her more vulnerable to that predator.

_"Why do you even want to go there?I don't understand how you would want to spend tree days listening to other medial examiner talking about their cases."Pacing in their bedroom Jane had trouble understanding Maura's excitement._

_"Well it's extremely interesting to listen to my colleagues share their experiences and techniques. Who knows I might learn a few things that I will be able to use in a future case."Finishing packing her bags Maura was over excited to listen to her colleagues brag about their successes and was also eager to share hers._

_"What you're excited about is going on that stage and feel on their eyes on you."Jane replied feeling her pulse rise._

_"Yes. I do have to admit that I like the attention and I feel particularly proud to speak about my successful investigation with Boston PD. I don't see why you're are so upset. I'm actually going to present a case we worked on together."_

_"We both know they're not going to listen to a word you're gonna say. They're all gonna pray for you to make your speech as quick as possible so they can talk to you later on and try to get in your pants. Damn it Maura, can't you see that?"Jane replied rising her voice tapping her foot on the floor._

_"You are being ridiculous Jane. Do you really things that those convention are just a way for us to hook up?"Maura asked shocked that Jane could even think that those conventions were nothing but a big orgie of some kind._

_"Of course!Those jerks use that opportunity to be away from their wives for a few says and to hopefully spend some sexy time knowing it won't have any consequences because they won't see the person again."_

_"I suppose you're right, but it's not why I'm going there. I'm going there for professional reasons only and if I have the misfortunate of being the target of one of my colleagues' affection I will gently push them away and tell them that I'm happily engaged."Maura replied forced to admit that she was usually getting a lot of attention at those conventions._

_"How about you stay here?You're the best Medical Examiner in the country there is nothing that those morons can teach you. Come on just stay with me."Jane pouted snaking her arms around her._

_"No. I'm sorry Jane. I can not stay just to satisfy your jealousy. I understand you feel uncomfortable about picturing me surrounded by men who might find me attractive but if we are to get married you need to trust me. Alright?"Maura replied moving her head trying to kiss her._

_"It might be easier if you weren't the biggest flirt I know."Jane replied pushing her away._

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"That you like the attention, that you like feeling that men want to sleep with you. You enjoy being a fantasy for them, it's obvious, come on see the way you dress. you're provoking them."_

_"Alright Jane. I love you but I'm not willing to let you insult me like that. I will call you when I land."Hurt by Jane's comment Maura knew that when she was liek that the smartest thing was just to walk away, that she would calm down eventually._

_"Don't even bother."Jane replied storming out of the room._

Standing there feeling the tears streaming down her cheeks Jane realized that her parents were partially responsible for her insecurities but her attitude did not help and she was determined to make things right.

"Everything is packed and I managed to change our flights. is there anything I can do?"Stepping into their bedroom Jane was surprised to see Maura with new clothes on, her hair still we.

"I just took a shower and I feel much better. You can help me blow my hair if you want."Maura replied knowing how much Jane enjoyed blowing and breading her hair.

"Of course. God I love you so much and I'm so sorry for not even considering that he could have drugged you."Jane let out unable to hide her guilt and feeling of failure.

"You didn't have any reasons to and neither did I. I thought the way I felt while I was kissing him and the next day was due to the bottle of wine we had during dinner."Maura replied blowing a tender kiss on her lips.

"But still. You acted out of character, you might be a big flirt but you're not a cheater. Not a mention that I saw you drunk a few times and you just don't loose control like that even with a few glass of wine with you you're still Maura Isles and you're always very much in control of your actions."

"I know. You're right, I'm always in control that's why I wasn't able to explain my behavior at first and I know it made you angry but it was honest. I could not figure out why I acted like that."

"And you spent a month in intense therapy trying to figure out why when it was not your fault."

"Well I don't think therapy was a waste of time. Even if my insecurities didn't push me to sabotage our relationship they were present in our lives and they would have affected us at some point. Working on them was a good thing Jane."

"You're probably right. I just can't help but thinking that he took advantage of you because he felt you were vulnerable and that you were because I acted like a jerk before you left. Can you forgive me for doubting you and assuming that you were going there because you enjoyed feeling all those jerks drooling on you?"Looking straight in her eyes Jane never felt so sorry in her entire life. She realized that her jealousy and possessiveness had lead to this situation and she needed to make it right.

"Don't worry about it. I just want to go home and continue to make progress in therapy."Pulling Jane against her Maura realized that Jane felt as guilty as her and that they both needed to stop blaming themselves because if they continue they would never be able to move on.

"Alright. You know I'm here for you and as soon as we arrive in Boston I'm gonna pack my things and move back to our house alright?"Knowing what had really happened Jane had no reason to stay in her apartment, all she wanted was to put this behind them and to move on with their lives.

"Hum…I would love nothing more than that but I would appreciate it if we could wait a little bit before moving back together."Biting the inside of her cheek Maura was hoping that Jane would understand her and would give her the time she needed.

"Why?"Jane frowned.

"You said it yourself : I have insecurities and even if I made tremendous progress, I confronted my parents and freed myself on their influence but I still have some steps to take before being ready to have our relationship back the way it was. Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad. I'm proud of you Maura. Take as much time as you need."Pulling Maura in her arms Jane was amazed by strong and determined she was. Despite feeling violated and dirty she was still determined to get better and to fight her insecurities . She knew how much Maura wanted things to be the way they used to and admired her for wanting to take things slow because she didn't want to screw things up and compromise the progress made in therapy.

**Alright guys. I wanted to thank you all for the terrific reviews on the last chapter. I was scared and I underestimated you thinking you wouldn't get my point so I'm sorry, you always seem to get me no matter how badly I write or how hard my point is to get and I'm grateful to have readers like you guys.**  
><strong>I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that you understand why Maura wants to take things slow. I think they are both freeing themselves from the guilt they felt: Jane felt it was her fault because she was a jerk and doubted her before she left and was convinced that made Maura doubt herself and there fore more vulnerable to that bastard and Maura feels terrible for not seeing he was playing her and for not finding out she had been drugged on her own.<strong>

**Hopefully with therapy the guilt will disappear.**

**I know this story is slow but it makes so much sense for me and I hope it does to you too. They're back together and they're moving in the right direction :)**

**As always reviews are welcome!**


	21. Taking the time to breath

**Chapter 21 :**

**Taking the time to breath :**

The next day Jane and Maura woke up around 8 O'clock and after a quick breakfast and shower loaded their car and drove to the airport.

Arriving in Boston around 3 pm strangely full of energy the two women drove to their house, unloaded their car and settled down with a cup of coffee.

Sitting there in their living room the atmosphere was much lighter than the last few times Jane was here.

Looking at Maura the only thing Jane could think about was to make up for the month they had lost but could see by reading her body language that her fiancee was still in shock and didn't want to assault her and make her uncomfortable with her desire and enthusiasm. Despite knowing what really happened and seeing no reason to say apart Jane knew that Maura needed time and was willing to give it to her.

"How are you feeling darling, you're alright?"Jane asked gently rubbing Maura's shoulder with her thumb.

"I am. Is it wednesday today?"Maura replied looking down at her cup unable to establish eye contact with Jane. She knew that now that they had discovered the truth and both made amends for their mistakes and forgave themselves and each other Jane wanted to move back with her but there was something she needed do first.

"Yes it is. Wait, don't you have an appointment with Dr Turner today?"

"Yes, in less than an hour. I'm the last consultation of the day actually. Do you mind if I go?. So much has happened that I really need to talk to her and seek her advice."Maura rep lie cleaning over leaving the mug on the coffee table.

"Sure. How about you go to your appointment while I take care of washing your clothes here and of dinner?How does that sound?"Despite wanting to moving forwards as soon as possible Jane knew that Maura would need therapy for al one time and trusted Dr Turner to guide her properly.

"That sounds lovely. I don't know if I said it recently but I love you Jane. I love how you take care of me, how you protect me and how safe I feel when I'm with you."Burying herself in Jane's arm taking inhaling her natural sent Maura had no idea what to do or what to say and knew that Dr Turner would be able to bring proper guidance.

"I promise I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again."Kissing Maura's temple Jane was eager to call her father in law to find out what he had done to punish the jerk who had her their princess.

45 minutes later Maura found herself sitting in front of Dr Turner who was immediately able to tell that something important had happen.

"So Maura, I'm happy to see you today but I thought you were in vacation with Jane?"Dr Turner asked worried that the vacations were cut short because something bad had happened.

"Yes, we flew back a few hours ago. Actually three things happened when we were there and I was eager to share those events with you."Sitting on the opposite chair Maura was relaxed, confident and knew exactly how to express how she felt without panicking or hyperventilating, things were finally right and there was nothing to be scared or ashamed off.

"I'm listening."Dr Turner nodded closing her note pad.

"Well first of all I confronted my parents on their neglect and we had a very deep and emotional conversation. They confessed that they took a step back because they knew that when I was ready I would look out for my birth parents and were scared that I might hesitate to look for them if I felt it would hurt them. They said that they didn't want me to feel hold back because I didn't want to hurt them and that keeping me from finding out where I came from was like depriving me of part of my identity and they didn't want that. They also told me that they were scared that I would choose my birth parents over them and I suppose they tried to protect themselves."

"I think it's a perfectly natural fear. No matter how much they love you and how much you love them and despite the fact that they raised you for many people DNA and blood will are things you can not compete with. "

"Yes and actually I can understand how they felt because when I found out my birth father was a criminal I started questioning myself, asking myself if I was like him, if I had it in me to hurt people you know. Despite being raised by the two most pacifist people I ever met, who were against fire arms and working as a MEdical Examiner I thought that being his daughter predisposed my to crime and hatred."

"Well as a Doctor you know that there is indeed a predisposition to crime just like for mental diseases or cancer but environmental factors, the way you were raised has also a lot to do with who you are, not to mention that the will, the desire to be different than our genes predisposed us to be is a powerful motivator."

"I know. Actually I remember sitting in Jane's apartment and she told me that there was not a single evil bone in me and that knowing my sperm donor as she calls him didn't change the amazing, smart, goofy person than I was before I found out."Saying those words Maura smiled as she remember that night, in Jane's apartment and how she hold her hand and made her feel better and how Frankie Jr managed to distract and make her laugh later.

"I think Jane is right. I think you made tremendous progress by confronting your parents Maura. You must feel relieved."Seeing in Maura's eyes that she finally had the closure she was looking for Dr Turner knew that she was definitely on the way to recovery, that she had liberated herself from something that had been holding her back from years and that now free of that burden she would be able to look t the future.

"Yes. We talked and I think we're both willing to make efforts to rebuilt our relationship. Actually my mother even gave me advice to win Jane over. She suggested that I brought her to the Carlton and use all my charm to accelerate things a little bit."Maura smiled slightly shrugging her shoulders.

"How did that go?"

"It went well. At first Jane was reluctant but she agreed to spend the night with me in the suite I had booked. Unfortunately we did not have sex. She told me that what she wanted was intimacy, too feel comfortable and safe in my arms the same way she did that night when we first kissed and shared her bed after she killed Hoyt."

"I think that intimacy is far more private and powerful and means much more than sex. You can have sex with people you don't love or don't trust but being intimate with someone is rare and can only happen when you truly love and trust your partner." Dr Turner nodded amazed by Jane's maturity and desire to do things right.

"I know and that night was fantastic. We laid in bed in our underwear, we kissed, we touched and we fell asleep and when we woke up the next morning I asked her what had happened meant and she asked me what I wanted it to mean…"

"What did you reply?"

"I said that I understood that she was not ready to move back in or to get engaged again and that I was willing to take things slow but that I wanted us to be us again and that I wasn't willing to accept having a casual or non exclusive relationship with her. I think she was impressed by myself confidence because she agreed."Maura replied somehow proud that she was able to strongly tell Jane what she wanted even if it meant pushing her away.

"I'm proud of you Maura. You were right a lot happened in just a few days."

"Actually something else happened that is not as joyful. As we were checking out the next morning we ran into Dr Hayes who's the man I…you know kissed and to give you the short version he admitted that he gave me a few drop of a home made disinhibitor to help me get in the mood."

"He drugged you?"Dr Turner replied her eyes wide opened in disbelief.

"Yes. I told you I felt dizzy and my legs were weak as we were walking towards my suite and as we were kissing and that I had barely enough strength to come come to my senses an push him away and that I woke up with a terrible hangover the next morning.."

"Yes, and we both agreed that it was probably the wine mixed with the fact that you were upset."

"Well it wasn't only the alcohol. It was because of what he gave me. He must have felt that he wouldn't get me to bed, that despite flirting with him I was not willing to go further so he drugged me."

"I'm so sorry Maura, how did you react when he told you?"

"I could not believe that he would actually brag about it. He is so delusional that he thought that I knew he drugged me and that for some reason I approved of his behavior. I was in shock but Jane was even more shocked and I was and I had to physically restrain her to keep her from hurting him. We weren't in Boston and assaulting him without her badge or her Captain to protect her against any potential charges would have been a mistake. She…the last time I saw her like that was when Hoyt slid my throat and was about to kill me."Maura replied pictures of Jane on top of him ready to punch him flashing in her mind.

"He hurt the woman she loved, it's perfectly natural for her to react in a physical way especially when we know how protective she is over you. Are you going to press charges?"

"No, unfortunately I won't be able to prove anything as I'm sure he doesn't keep this drug where it can be found but my father is going to make a few phone calls and after he's done with him I doubt that even a veterinarian clinic in Nepal will be willing to hire him."Maura smiled savoring her vengeance knowing that her father was going to do what ever he took to make sure he would not be able to hurt any one ever again.

"Well. How..How do you feel and how does Jane feel about that new information?"

"She blames herself. As you know we argued before I left and she's convinced that it made me more vulnerable to him, that if we hadn't had that fight I would have not flirted with him and I would have been more cautious. Personally I also feel guilty for being naive and letting me drug me but most importantly for not realizing I was drugged. I'm a Doctor, I know the symptoms of those drugs, I should have realized."Maura replied clenching her first on the fabric of the couch.

"Maura look at me. Those drugs are made to make you forget and you were slightly inebriated. I'm sure I would have not realized it either. Now that you know that what you did was encouraged, that it was not an act of sabotage from your part you need to both move forward with you relationship."

"I know. I think I still have, we still have work to do but yes Jane and I decided to move on. Actually she is at home right now taking care of dinner for us."Maura replied smiling at the word home.

"Is she moving back in with you?"

"No. I told her that I needed some time to make peace with what happened to me and she agreed. She also agrees that I need more therapy that even if I didn't cheated for the reasons we thought I still have self esteem issues and that stopping therapy now would be a mistake."

"That's very good Maura. I think that staying apart for a little while is the more reasonable things to do. You know people are quick to jump out of relationship when something bad happen but they're also quick to jump back in. I think that taking a step back to breath and spend time with yourself can be beneficiary. What I'm wondering though is are you planning on giving her this ring at some point?"Dr Turner asked pointed at Jane's engagement ring that Maura was still wearing around her neck.

"I don't know. I think she wants it back but I can't give it back to her until I feel ready to let her move back it. I just need some time to rest and as you said take a deep breath before stepping back into our lives the way it was."Maura replied rolling Jane's ring between her fingers.

"Take as much time as you need. Jane loves you and she understand that what you have discovered is painful and that you need time to heal and so does she. As long as you don't push her away and you keep talking the two of you should be fine."

"What about sex?I mean now I'm pretty sure she's ready and it's not that I don't want to. I just…sex with Jane was never about sex it has always been about connecting our minds and bodies about becoming one really. I never experienced anything like that in my entire life and right now I don't feel ready to give myself completely." Despite her burning desire Maura was still hesitant and knew that she needed to clean herself from past failure and wait for her wounds to heal before being able to share this incredible experience that making love with Jane was.

"Then take all the time you need and enjoy yourself. You know most people would love to have a second chance, to have the opportunity to start fresh, free from past mistakes and anger. You have this opportunity Maura, take it."

"I most certainly will. Thank you Doctor."Leaving her office Maura felt refreshed, Dr Turner was right : Jane and her had a chance to start fresh, to put the past behind them and to focus on their future without of course forgetting anything but learning from their mistakes and she was eager to go home to Jane and talk and start planning their future again.

Later that day Maura drove home only to find Jane in the kitchen cooking dinner for the first time in a long time.

"Hey there, it smell delicious."Taking her shoes and coat off , tossing her keys on the kitchen counter Maura was surprised to see that Jane had actually cooked a proper meal instead of ordering take out.

"I made Ma's lasagnas, I know they're your favorite. I'm not sure they're gonna be as good as hers but I made them with love."Jane replied kissing Maura's forehead.

"And I'm sure I'm going to love them but right now I would love to take a bath."

"I knew you would say that. Follow me."Dragging Maura towards the bathroom Jane knew that this evening was going to be perfect, to be the kind of evening they used to share before they broke up and started to feel that things were coming back in place.

"OH Jane…"Stepping into the bathroom Maura's eyes were immediately caught by the bubble bath Jane had drawn her and the candles she had lit around the bath tub.

"Dinner should be ready in 45 minutes so you have all the time in the world to relax." Jane whispered standing behind her as she gently started massaging her shoulders.

"Will you join me?"Maura asked biting her bottom lip as she turned around looking at Jane straight in the eye.

"Absolutely."Jane replied closing the door behind her.

That night Maura and Jane slid into the bathtub together, Jane positioning herself behind Maura and Maura placing her between Jane's leg. Laying back again Jane's naked body feeling the water caressing her Maura felt safe, safe enough to share her thoughts about her therapy session and to ask Jane to join her for her next session. Jane on the other hand was also finally able to completely relax and as she started to massage Maura's shoulder was glad to hear her talk about her session with Dr Turner with such optimism, to hear her talking their future, not as something she wanted but as something she was going to make happen confident that she was worth it.

Yes that night the two women shared another intimacy moment, naked this time and took a step forward toward complete reconciliation.

**Alright guys I think this story is coming to an end. I think I should write a chapter with Jane going in therapy with Maura and after that the very last chapter. So here we are two chapters left and this story is over.**

**I hope this chapter wasn't too boring but Maura really needed her therapist's help to tell her she was doing things at the right pace you know…**

**Thanks for the support.**


	22. Will you?

**Chapter 22:**

**Will you?**

For the next 2 weeks life went on almost the same way it used to be. Jane and Maura went back to work, tried to have lunch as often as possible considering they weren't working together anymore.

Despite being eager to move back in with Maura Jane remained patient and understanding and did her best to help Maura cope with what almost happened to her.

So almost every night she went to their house with dinner and when Maura allowed it stayed the night and held her telling her how much she loved her and that everything was going to be alright.

Unfortunately things weren't easy for Maura, she had nightmares, violent nightmares that woke her up almost every night and the only thing that was able to calm her down was Jane's voice and warm embrace.

Despite being ashamed and embarrassed about having those nightmares Maura didn't completely shut down and didn't push Jane away but it was not until she asked Jane to come to therapy with her that she felt comfortable enough to tell her what the nightmares were about.

"So Jane, how are things going these days?"Dr Turner asked sitting in front of the couple trying to observe their body language to see how close they were sitting, if they were holding hands or looking at each other.

"Well not bad. We're taking it slow because none of us are willing to miss any steps but we spend time together talking, watching movies, even shopping not to mention we share the same bed almost every night. Actually if it weren't for Maura's nightmares things would be perfect, just the way they were before. "Biting her bottom lip as she mentioned the nightmares Jane was hoping that Maura had brought her here to talk about them.

"Maura, would you like to tell us about your nightmares?"Watching Jane grabbing Maura's hand and caressing is softly with her thumb Dr Turner understood that Maura had not confided in Jane regarding her nightmares yet and that it was the reason why she had brought her to her session today.

"Well I don't dream about what happened anymore. Now I dream about what could have had happened if I hadn't pushed him away. I see him on top of me, I hear him breathing and whispering in my hears, I can almost feel him inside me. I'm laying there unable to move, my vision is blurry, my head is pounding. They are very vivid nightmares almost like flashbacks, like the one I had after Jane got shot, I could almost feel the blood in my mouth as I saw myself trying to help her by applying pressure on her wounds."

"Well after discovering that he drugged you it's perfectly natural to picture what could have happened if you hadn't pushed him way but you're safe now alright?"Dr Turner replied finally feeling how traumatic this discovery had been for her.

"Actually they're not as bad. I mean the first night while we were still in our beach house you slept like a baby, the nightmares only started when we came back but they're less intense every night."Jane replied holding Maura's hand while patting her back softly. The truth was that the nightmares were less intense every day but Maura would still wake up shaking, sweating, disoriented and the only thing Jane could do was hold her and she felt so powerless about it.

"That's because when I open my eyes I see your face, hear your voice and feel your arms around me, your constant presence reminds me that you're not going anywhere so I feel safer a little bit every day." Maura replied slightly turning her head seeing the love and devotion in Jane's eyes.

"Is there anything I can do?You know I would do anything to help you overcome this right?"

"I…Would you move back with me?"Pouting Maura was hoping that her distant behavior over the past two weeks hadn't contributed to make Jane change her mind.

"Of course I would move back with you. God you can not imagine how much I miss Bass getting in my way every morning…"Jane replied smiling as she pressed her lips against hers.

"Hey…"Maura frowned poking Jane's belly.

"Well this is a great progress but are you sure you're ready?"Dr Turner asked positioning herself that the devil's advocate.

"Yes I am. At first I didn't want Jane to move back with me because I needed time and space to cope with what happened on my own. So far Jane has been very supportive and she actually doesn't stay every night. Now I think that I have taken the steps I needed to take on my own but I need her with me to finish this journey."

"And I'm going to be there every step of the way Maura. I promise."Kissing her temple jane was relieved that Maura was reaching out to her to help her take the last few steps towards finally healing from what had happened.

"Well I'm glad that you are reaching out but let me ask you this to both of you : once Jane moves back in your home what are planning to do differently to make sure what happened never happens again?"

"Do you mind?"Jane asked looking at Maura for permission to speak first.

"No, please."

"Well talking to you and to Maura over the past 6 weeks and being on my own helped me realized my failures and mistakes. I think that I'm gonna stop being such an ass …."

"Jane, language!"

"I'm sorry. I'm going to stop being such a jerk and being jealous all the time because I know without a doubt that you would never cheat on me. Yes you're a big flirt and you enjoy the attention but at the end of the day you come home with me and I know you always make sure that those morons who hit on you know that. I think that I was not afraid of you cheating on me but rather falling in love with someone who's more educated, richer who would suit you better you know…"

"That's ridiculous Jane!You're the one for me, I can't explain it but despite coming from two different worlds we're perfect for each other. I love you, you're everything I ever wanted, don't ever forget that."Cupping Jane's face with her right hand looking straight into her eyes Maura understood that she wasn't the only one with insecurities.

"I know baby, I know and I promise you that I won't go ballistic anymore like I did that day and I'm also going to pay more attention. I mean I knew you had insecurities and abandonment issues because of the way your parents treated you but I thought that being with me helped but apparently it didn't help enough so from now on I'm gonna pay more attention. I promise."

"Well it helped, I'm just good at hiding my feeling but you Jane, you always made me feel the exact opposite of my parents. You made me feel special, unique, you always pay attention to every word I say, remembering every single one of them. You know me better than any one and you're still here and form now on I promise I won't hide anything from you."

Sitting there witnessing the two love birds acknowledging their mistakes and committing themselves to change Dr Turner knew that they would be alright. She knew that their problems were fixable comparing to many couples she had seen in her career. Looking at them all she could see was two women incredibly in love with each other whose only mistakes was to have been wounded in the past and to have let those wounds take over their lives.

She knew that Jane had been damaged by what Hoyt had done to her and Maura was still affected by her parents' neglect but she could feel that they would not let those wounds ruin their relationship.

Later that day Jane and Maura went home after spending the afternoon laying down in the park not too far from Dr Turner's office.

After spending the afternoon having very random conversations from work related subject to Angela's new identity crisis or Frankie's new girlfriend.

Leaving Dr Turner's office Jane and Maura were relieved and lighter like if a weight had been lifted off their shoulders. They were of hopes and dreams for the future and they knew that now that they had work on their respective issues they would finally able to move forward and continue to build the life they dreamed about for so long.

"Well that was a beautiful day wasn't it?"Jane said closing the door behind her.

"Yes it was. Would you mind getting changed?Not that I want to be rude but you really smell terrible."Maura replied disgusted look on her face.

"Hey, if you had looked both ways before crossing the street I would not have had to pull you when that car came and ended up on that tacos stand!"Jane replied lifting her her shirt to smell of the meat spread all over it.

"True. I do apologize it's just that when I'm with you I feel so safe that I don't feel the need to be careful. Please just drop everything in the laundry basket and I'll take care of it tomorrow."Maura replied battling her eye lashes.

"Alright, I expect dinner do be ready when I come back woman."Jane replied her voice slightly deeper as she slapped Maura's ass before running towards the bathroom too fast for Maura to react.

While Jane was in the bathroom Maura quickly ran into the kitchen and turn of the oven to re heat the meal she had spent the entire morning preparing. Programing the timing to twenty minutes Maura then quickly grabbed two plates, glasses, knives and forks, plus two tea spoon for dessert. Quickly dressing the table with candles Maura was nervous, she had been planning this evening for several days and was hoping that it would go as planned.

Taking a deep breath as she heard the oven timer ringing at the same time as Jane stepped out of the bathroom Maura was trying to calm herself down and to convince herself that there was no reason for her plan to fail.

Jane loved her and she knew she wanted this, she could feel it in her heart and in her guts.

"Damn it smells so good, what is it?"Moving towards the kitchen wearing an old pair of Levi's and a black Boston PD tank top Jane as she roamed her eyes on the table had a feeling that this night was going to be very special.

"It's…it's …Damn it, it's rabbit with mustard, mushrooms and rice. Very simple but tasty."Maura mumbled feeling her heart hammering her chest.

"Wow, is it having dinner with me that makes you so nervous or is it something else?"Snaking her arms around Maura's waists Jane could feel her shivers confirming her suspicious regarding this evening.

"Can we please just have dinner?You'll find out soon enough."Maura replied rising her head trying to keep up appearances.

"Alright. I'll get the wine."Jane smiled kissing her cheek.

For the next hour the two women enjoyed a romantic quiet dinner. Jane seeing how nervous Maura was tried to maintain the conversation talking about everything and nothing trying to make jokes hoping Maura would relax.

Unfortunately all Maura was able to do was nod, smile and drink more wine. They had been through this once but it didn't change the fact that Maura was nervous.

Right after finishing the main meal Maura quickly ran to the kitchen and brought two chocolate soufflé she had made trying to remember which one she was supposed to give Jane.

"Oh…Baby, my favorite. Thank you."Leaning over to kiss Maura Jane suddenly started to believe that she had misinterpreted this entire evening and that maybe it was up to her to gather her courage and ask that very particular question she had asked her 8 months ago for the first time.

"You're welcome."Biting her lower lips watching Jane devour her soufflé Maura was waiting for the perfect moment to drop on one knee.

"Oh…"Jane said suddenly feeling something hard hitting her fork. Digging deeper trying to see what was inside that soufflé Jane tried her best to act surprised as she finally pulled the ring out.

Trying to resist the need to lick the melt chocolate off the ring she turned her head only to see Maura down on one knee, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Jane. I know we went through this once already but since you beat me to it last time I figured I'd surprise you. I love you with every single bone and drop of brown reddish substance of my body. Almost loosing you, having to face living without you made me realize how much I needed and loved you. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me, I want to carry our children, buy a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, hell I want the whole package, so Detective Jane Rizzoli, will you marry me?"Maura asked looking up at Jane her eyes filled with dreams and hopes for a better future.

"Of you Dr Isles I will marry you come here."Jane replied pulling her up on her knees.

"Oh Jane, I was scared you were going to say no."Maura mumbled pushing the ring on Jane's finger where it belonged.

"You're kidding me?I have spent the past two weeks lurking on that ring around your neck wondering when you were going to give it back to me."Jane replied wandering her fingers on her back.

"Oh, and here I thought you were just looking at my breasts."Maura smiled pressing her lips against hers.

"Yeah, that too. Speaking of which. How about we take this to the bedroom?"Without waiting for her reply Jane stood up holding her tight and walked towards their love nest.

"Yes Jane, make love to me until my heart stops beating."Maura almost begged her arms snaked around Jane's neck.

Walking towards their bedroom both women were once again full of hopes, dreams and fantasies. The past 6 weeks had been hard on them. They almost each other but had somehow find their way back and it gave them the opportunity to face their flaws, discuss and overcome them to finally heal of past wounds and to allow themselves to start over together knowing that their unconditional love would help them overcome anything as long as they trusted each other.

**Okay guys, I don't know why I got close to no feedback on the last chapter. Maybe it was because you found the therapy session boring and redudant of informations you already had. I don't know.**

**Hopefully this session where Maura talks about her nightmares and they talk about how they're slowly getting back together wasn't boring.**

**As I said there is only one chapter left, I'm gonna do my best to write it sweet and romantic :)**


	23. For ever and always

**Chapter 23 :**

**For ever and always :**

Stepping into their love nest still carrying Maura in her arms Jane felt complete for the first time in weeks. Being engaged again, knowing she was going to move back in their house very soon felt right. Despite falling apart to the point when breathing was painful Maura and her had taken their time to talk, to try to understand and analyze Maura's behavior and to re evaluate their entire relationship. They had both admitted their flaws and had worked hard to overcome them which had allowed them to step back into a much stronger and healthier relationship.

Gently laying Maura on their bed looking down in her big green eyes Jane was confident, she knew that this night was going to be special, that they had waited long enough.

Laying on her back looking up into Jane's big brown eyes Maura felt safe, she knew that all that pain, suffering and hours of talking had tightened their bond and that nothing could keep them from spending the rest of their lives together as soul mates.

All her life Maura had felt empty, alone, abandoned by her parents, misunderstood by most people and had spent years traveling around the world, trying new things, learning new languages, always trying to find a way of living that would fit her and would help her fit into this world.

Unfortunately despite being a successful Doctor, a well known philanthropist, despite speaking 6 languages fluently and having acquaintances all around the world it wasn't until she met Jane that she finally felt like she finally belonged.

Meeting Jane, working with her, becoming friends with her and being immediately welcomed by her family Maura for the first time in her life started to feel loved, accepted exactly the way she was and slowly stopped having this visceral need to travel, to experience new things. She had found a home in Boston with Jane and her family and there was no reason to run anymore.

Slowly she had learnt to fit in, to accept being loved, and be surrounded by people who were completely different form her but who strangely made her feel at ease. Being friends with Jane she had slowly come out off her shell and when they started dated she finally felt that she had met her better half, that one person in billion that was custom made for her and who she was almost custom made for.

With Jane she had learned to slow down, to stop over thinking and analyzing everything and to enjoy a sunday afternoon watching tv with a beer in her hand and a bowl of pop corn on her lap. Her life had changed since they had met and started dating but Jane hadn't changed her, she had helped her find out who she truly was. She had helped her digging in the deepest parts of herself to uncover that person that she had been hiding behind all that money, good manners and medical knowledge. Yes, over the course of the past 5 years Jane had helped her find herself, and right now she was ready to give that self to her completely, without fears, restrain or without conditions.

Feeling Jane slowly unbuttoning her shirt, kissing her neck Maura closed her eyes and finally let go of her guilt, her feelings of inadequacy, and trust issues. This was a new start for them, an opportunity they both knew people rarely encountered to start over, lead go of past mistakes and resentment to focus on the future.

So that night Jane and Maura made love for hours, taking their time to re discover each other, to explore every single square inch of each other's bodies.

At first Maura a bit hesitant and shy, just like the first time they made love almost two years ago but luckily for her Jane was more than happy to take the lead, taking her time to stimulate every arousing zone of her body, giving her the time to relax to fully enjoy herself when she finally decided to take things to the next level.

Feeling Maura's apprehension Jane started to kiss her, caressing her lips with her tongue while very softly roaming her finger tips on her breasts, tickling her nipples that erected almost immediately under her touch. Despite being turned on to a point that was barely manageable Jane was determined to take her time and continue to kiss Maura's body, from her jaw line to her neck, to her clavicle worshiping every bit of skin coming in contact with her tongue.

Laying on her back her eyes closed moaning at every ministration of Jane's tongue Maura's eyes filled up with tears at the thought that she had almost lost her, that she had almost lost the only thing, the only person on earth that made her feel complete.

But Jane was here, she was right here settled between her legs worshipping her body like a temple, showing her, proving to her how much she loved and adored her, showing her that nothing on this planet could every break them apart, that their love, that bond they shared was bullet proof strong.

Slowly relaxing under Jane's touch Maura slowly started to guide Jane's hand towards her entrance, parting her legs wider as an invitation to take things to the next level.

Smiling at the invitation Jane slowly dragged her tongue between Maura's breasts all the way to her belly button until:

"No wait, just use your hands. I need you to stay with me."Almost begging Maura needed Jane up there, she needed to kiss her, to hear her whisper in her hear how much she loved her, but most importantly she need to look into her eyes when she comes , she needed Jane to look down at her and see the life leaving her body.

"Alright, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."Jane replied feeling the slight panic in Maura's voice.

Making her way back up Jane started to gently caress Maura's already slowly clitoris feeling her arching her back immediately.

The truth was Jane loved going to on Maura more than anything else, she enjoyed tasting her, feeling the warmth streaming down her lips as she thrusted back and forth inside or simple tickled Maura's clit with the tip of her tongue.

Unfortunately that's not what Maura wanted. What she wanted was to feel their bodies pressing against each other almost melting into one.

So that night Jane gave Maura exactly what she wanted and only used her hands, using her long fingers to stimulate her in the deepest part of her core until she felt her inside muscles tightening around her, so hard that she could barely move.

Kissing Jane as she felt an intense electric shock running through her entire body Maura was unable to hold the tears anymore.

"Hey baby, look at me, everything is alright. I love you."Jane whispered pressing her lips against Maura's as she felt her inner muscle slowly relaxing, allowing her to slowly pull out her fingers from her folds.

"Promise me you'll always be mine Jane." Maura almost begged snaking her legs around Jane's waist pulling her against her.

"For ever and always." Jane replied resting her forehead against hers.

That night Jane fell asleep on top on Maura, her fiancés' legs around her preventing her from moving.

Feeling Maura's fingers caressing her back Jane slowly closed her eyes and finally allowed herself to rest and to believe that this nightmare was over.

Their bodies tangled around each other's the two women fell asleep that night dreaming about their wedding, about the children they always said they would have.

For the first time in weeks they were finally able to allow themselves to make projects, to dream about that life, that life that meant nothing if they weren't together, that life that had almost been ruined over a misunderstanding, that life that they sworn to protect and worship like the miracle they knew it was.

**Alright people, I know the sex wasn't graphic or dirty, or hardcore but I hope It wasn't too boring. I just wanted it to have meaning to be the final step into their journey towards each other you know.**

**Thank you for baring with me during this whole story, that was a journey for me. It wasn't easy to write but with your help I think I managed something that's not as bad as I thought it was gonna be when I first stated it. I started by wanting it to be pure angst and to make Jane date other girls to spite Maura and to make Maura a promiscuous woman but it just didn't fit who they are and I'm glad I didn't go down that road.**

**At the moment I have "unconditional support" that is updated almost daily and "first of all I would be the guy" that I'm planning on updating soon.**

**Thank you for your support and please feel free to give me your two cents on this story!**


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